Unknown

[TheWizardsWife]

Hello wise ladies, I wonder if you can help...

My lovely DH has a daughter that is at home with us about 40% of the time. Her mum is due her second child next month and I'm pondering how this will affect SD in many ways, including time spent with us.

The SD is a lovely little girl of 7 and is always happy at either house, doing great at school etc. I have two questions really, though all input welcome!

• should SD be spending more or less time than usual at either house or should it be kept the same in the weeks following the birth? I can see arguments for both, but as it is generally a battle anyway, I'm expecting her mum to insist she is at her house more. I'm not sure what is best for her.
  
  *anything else to consider at our house really. There are no other children anywhere!
  
  This must happen in millions of households but just have no experience so no idea what to expect! DH and I have spoken, he is generally of the opinion 'let's see what happens' but also determined she will be home with us as much as normal to enforce her family life here.
  Thank you for reading and hopefully sharing.

[purpleroses]

Hi there

My DCs (12 and 8) have recently acquired a new brother at their dad's house where they go 2 nights a week. In terms of the arrangements between houses, nothing has changed - I wouldn't have wanted it to change really. Your DSD could feel pushed out if you reduce her time with her mum, but can't see any reason why you'd want to increase it either - so would suggest that everything stays as it is as much as possible. And if everything's a battle, then the less change the better surely.

Your SD's mother would probably appreciate you being able to have her whilst she's in labour though, and for the first two or three days - until she's home from hospital, etc - and given that arrival dates are unpredictable, that could mean kind of being on call for a few weeks, and a bit of flexibility around your contact schedule over that time.

The other thing I've found with my DCs in the weeks following the birth though is that their dad is pretty knackered and hasn't been doing much with them - they complain a bit that they're bored there. So it might be worth making the most of the time when DSD's with you to do some fun things with her, so that she can have her down time when she's with her mum. She might also appreciate some new books, DVDs, nice felt tips, etc that she can be enjoying if she's at her mum's and finding no one's got much time to do anything with her. Some activities (eg swimming or to the cinema) might be quite hard for her mum to do once she has a baby too, so great if she can do those things with you.

[UC]

Hi, I agree with purpleroses, and the OP's DH. Try not to over-think this.

My DSs had a new brother a couple of years ago, and I was "on call" while they were at their dad's and due date came and went. Once he was born, I made sure that DSs were able to go over and meet their new brother. Other than that, the routine of access didn't change. I think it's enough change as it is, without changing a happy routine on top, which may lead to confusion. Your DSD will need to feel that she's part of both households still, that nothing has changed in how she is treated, how important she is, and how she feels in both households. Hopefully she'll love her new sibling!

[Swed]

When I had my DD, I was absolutely clear I wanted my two older sons to be the first to see her, ahead of any grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends etc. I wanted them to feel an essential part of the new unit. Ditto when my DS3 was born 18 months later. I think that was an essential part of getting them all off on the right foot and they are all very close now.

I think it might therefore help your stepdaughter if you offer to be flexible about the rota if you have one, so that she gets to see the new baby before those outside the immediate family. And I think it would be nice for the her if you and her father acknowledged her new sibling by sending him/her a gift or baking her a cake saying congratualtions on your new baby brother/sister or something to mark the occasion.

Having a new sibling is a tricky time in any family.

But how lovely you are already thinking about her.

[allnewtaketwo]

Interesting Swed that you think the OP should be flexible about the rota. I read you post on another thread which said:

Swed Thu 15-Mar-12 21:40:36

It is completely necessary to stick to the the arrangement to the letter. Controlling is the person who seeks to alter the arrangement to his/convenience. It shows no respect for the other parent; you are trampling all over her.

[Swed]

allnewtaketwo But the OP isn't seeking to alter the arrangement for HER convenience, she would be offering flexibility IF required, for the benefit of the child.

But it's lovely that my posts are memorable to you.

[allnewtaketwo]

Yet a child seeing his father for a treat apparently wasn't for the benefit of the child, only the father? Your posts are memorable by the way because you give strong opinions yet contradict yourself on a point you were so obstinate about

[NotaDisneyMum]

It is all unknown, isn't it? The OP doesn't know if DSD mum will want her DD to be the first to see her half-sibling, whether the delivery will be scheduled or spontaneous, whether there will be complications or what will happen, really

OP, I think it is fair for you and your DP to discuss and agree how flexible you are willing to be, and then present this to DSD mum, or rather, presented to whomever it will be caring for DSD while her mum is in labour/recovering.

[Swed]

allnewtakenew "Yet a child seeing his father for a treat apparently wasn't for the benefit of the child, only the father?"

Gah. I can't really remember that thread exactly but wasn't the child actually a teenager and wasn't it the father and stepmother requesting the change in contact in order to give the birthday treat? In those circumstances I don't see why the dad couldn't wait a couple of days and give the treat at the weekend. It's not like teenagers believe in the birthday fairy.

Now do you think you can stop trying to pull apart every thing I say?
We clearly have very different ideas of what constitutes a good step-parent. My opinion on these boards is just as valid as yours. I feel completely hounded by you and Babyheave with your rather churlish digs.

Sorry for the hijack OP.

[nenevomito]

Hounded by me? That's a bit off.

People with experience of being a step parent often have a different perspective to those who don't. It comes from actually living in the not ideal world that comes with being a step. It's no different to someone with no children being certain that they will Never use dummies or fill their houses with plastic tat, when their pfb arrives for example. I.e how it could be and how it is don't always match up! Yes you have just as much right to post in this topic as anyone else, but your self declared mission to "challenge" posters here means that you lack consistency and end up contradicting yourself, which is not very helpful for anyone, including you.

Try a little empathy, support and consideration and I can guarantee that no one will make any jibes or digs or anything else at you and who knows, we may even be a source of help for any RL problems you're having now or in the future should you meet and fall for a lovely gent with a lively brood in tow.