"I am a retired social worker with 30 years experience in child protection, fostering and adoption. When you say you have full "custody"of this child, do you mean you have a Residence Order, so I am assuming you went through an assessment with social sevices or CAFCASS social workers? I am asking this because you clearly did not realise what you were taking on and it seems no one warned you either. Can I ask did the child's father have contact with her from whenever he and his ex split up. Did this contact include you? "
Hi No they split up when DSD was 8 months old and she stopped access when DSD was 18 months old when OH was advised to stop giving cash and get proof of maint. We were together 4 months after the access stopped and OH has been fought for access for 6 yrs eventually getting it when DSD was 8. SS were not interested due to ?lack of evidence and the mum painting DSD as a pathological liar with ADHD & learning difficulties, we got DSD on the Sunday with PR forms completed and a letter stating she was giving DSD to me and OH (my name first?) full custody and full PR & that she did not access. Our lawyer has confirmed she will have to go to court to break this letter. So no court case, no help, SS gave BM 7 days notice to inspect the house didn?t want to speak to DSD, us and told us over the phone the case was closed as the house was tidy enough and the eldest was ok and had been promised an Ipad
I never said I expected to turn it all around in 6 weeks but seeing how we had access for a third of the yr for the last 2 we didn?t expect DSD to act like she didn?t know or trust us when living with us full time.
I don?t have children of my own but I was emotionally abused and beaten by my mum so atleast know what she is going through and that experience does help the difference is that this mum picked and chose hich kid to do it too and left the other 3 alone
I never said that OH slept with DSD I said she wanted him too. He refused saying that daddies sleep in their own beds and no she has definitely not been sexually abused and shows no signs of sexualized behaviour she just doesn?t know what das do so has tried to copy how I cuddle Oh, but this was explained by OH very well explaining that DD cuddles were special and different to Smufty1 cuddles etc
"There is usually a very big gap between a child's chronological age and her emotional age, and this has to be recognised and attended to, and she needs to be allowed to regress at times, as she may well be functioning around the 6/7 age range."
She did regress to dolls houses and prams, which we bought her and we realised this very quickly and have and would never stop her
"I'm afraid love is not enough for these children. They almost need to be re-parented and allowed to regress. I remember one girl of about 11 who loved playing a picture lotto game designed for a child of 3, because she could actually do it and this gave her a sense of achievement. Some children will want to be held and shown picture books, nursery rhymes, whatever. I think you've probably realised that the child should not have been taken to task about the shampoo bottle incident."
I never said she was taken to task I asked her and explained, that would just take away any trust she was gathering if I had shouted at her over that, at the end of the day it was shampoo
"It sounds as though this child is wanting very much to please and doesn't know whether she is on the right track, and will be confused and stressed as she tries to adapt to a completely different set of circumstances."
Very true
"The self harm is worrying, especially with a razor - was it just a scratch or a deep cut. Self harm is a "coping mechanism" for children and adults when the emotional pain becomes too hard to bear and they need to do something to stop it."
It was as explained she wanted to punish herself as mummies punishments always hurt, she has thankfully only repeated this 1 more time scratching herself and since as we sat her down and explained things and that mummy was ill also alot of reassuring her
"I see that she has an appt with CAMHS and to be honest I was never impressed with them, though of course it does depend on the individual you get. In the LA where I worked we had a very competent clinical psychologist who used to advise foster carers and adoptors how to cope with a child with attachment disorders. These children have very low self esteem and feel themselves as worthless and this can be manifested in different type of behaviour. Often they are bullied at school and are unable to maintain and keep friendships."
She was like this in January but has came on a wee bit not a lot but enough to encourage we are going in the right way and is being bullied and has 5 friends which is alot for her
"I honestly think that any kind of talking therapy is just not right for a child in this predicament. Talking therapies require a degree of insight and adults struggle with this, let alone a traumatised child. The best way of helping the child would be by play therapy as this allows the child to express their emotions through play. I have a friend who is a play therapist and I have learned quite a bit from her. It is completely non directive, so the child is invited to play with whatever they like (there are the usual toys but with lots of play people, houses etc and sand and water play. One little girl did nothing but draw a big X in the sand tray for the first few sessions, as she was so "stuck" but later began making mud with the sand and water and rubbing it in the dolls face very vigorously and then all over the child's body. Apparently most children my friend sees are angry and this can come out in play. Naturally she talks to the parents and more importantly she teaches the parents how to do play therapy at home for about an hour a day, again by being non directive but observing what the child is doing. With a 10 year old drawing and painting would be good too. The downside of all this is that it is expensive (about £50 an hour) "
Thanks I will look into this
"I wasn't sure what you meant about contact with her gran and the child spit at someone. Was this taking place in the school and was it being supervised by anyone. Would it be possible for you or her dad to be there when she has contact with her gran. YOu will have to expect this contact to stir up all sorts of emotions for the child which again can manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Oh one more thing you did mention "stealing food" - what do you mean by this, and why is taking what she wants considered to be "stealing" - sorry I know this sounds a bit harsh but it did worry me to read that."
Access with the gran has always been supervised by either both of us or myself or just my OH, She hoards food, sorry it was easier just to type ?stealing? so she gets up and takes stupid things like a packet of dry cream crackers and eats them but she has a special place in the fridge with cheese strings and fruit cups etc in she was often not fed at Bm?s and we always had to play catch up with vitamins, milk calcium etc on access visits. If she thinks she is or will be in trouble she comfort eats in the night we find wrappers, packets and fruit peel hidden in her bed, behind the drawers etc. we how have got her to understand it?s not stealing and it has reduced BUT resurfaces after grans access as does wetting herself, massive anger tantrums to get punished issues at school the latest being the spitting at someone.
We do expect issues it would rather naïve not to TBH
"You are in for the long haul and you may well be able to help this little girl to feel emotionally secure again."
Its going to take years! and thanks for your reply I hope I have answered ok but am on 6 th nightshift atm and was up early this afternoon due to DSD being in a school play (she even had a speaking bit)
