Hello all,
I've been umm'ing and ahh'ing about posting in here for a while, but have decided to bite the bullet and just go for it. I'm hoping for some honest, and hopefully helpful, replies from the POV of partners of men who have an ex with a child/children.
Brief background. Was with ex 4 years, split 4 years ago. DD is 6. Split was a 'blessed relief' and I was happy to be out of the relationship. Felt this was a good opportunity for us both to get on better, and co-parent. It worked OK initially and then things deteriorated. Ex now occasionally bothers with DD, every 6/8/10 weeks. He has a g/f, now fiance, who DD likes very much. She's been on the scene since before we split (which I don't have an issue with, my relationship with ex died a death before we split so this isn't something that bothers me) and has made approaches to me to 'get to know me better/get along'. I'm quite happy to go along with this, but for one reason or another it hasn't really happened so far. I think subconsciously, something is holding me back from actually making more of an effort to make this happen. And this is where I need some advice.
There are a few things I think hold me back from moving things on between me and ex's g/f (ok, she is his fiance but for ease of typing I'm going to just put g/f), and I need to know if it's possible to address them without causing offence, or whether these are reasons to just politely decline invites or plans for meeting up with ex's g/f.
Ex is much older than his g/f. She's not had an easy life. She's a nice person, and easy to like. She loves my DD and treats her well, has a good head on her shoulders and actually her presence when DD is with ex reassures me as I think she has more sense than my ex when it comes to caring for DD. Ex isn't incapable, just not really big on the basics. I think part of the problem for me is, I can see that ex will make her life difficult, in much the same way he's made mine difficult, and I have such a strong urge to say something to the g/f, as I'd hate for her to end up in either the same position, or worse, than me. I don't actually want to 'warn' her as such, as I don't want them to split up. I think she is good for ex, and DD when there. I just really have a strong urge to explain some things to her, just so she has the bigger picture. But, I also am well aware that it's not really my place to say anything. This is where I think I'm really conflicted.
So, how do I address this? Is it possible to have a friendship/relationship with the g/f of an ex, without making any comment on past history even if it has some relevance? Is it just a case of either avoiding moving our relationship onto a more friendly footing if I cannot bite my tongue when I see things happening that I know are down to ex being an arse?
I'd love to get on well with the g/f, and I always envisaged that I would be able to do that, barring any personality clashes, but I guess I'm beginning to discover why these kinds of relationships can be very tricky.
Help?
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30 replies
bananaistheanswer · 21/02/2012 11:54
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