AIBU?

[Enfyshedd]

DP's exW walked out on my now DP 3 1/2 years ago because she was screwing someone else and got pregnant within a month of leaving (she has now married the father of her 3rd child). We've been away for Half Term and found out from DSS1 that DP's exW insists that DSS1 & 2 call her new husband "Dad" when they are at her house which has really annoyed and upset me.

I got together with DP 18 months ago, and I'm now 6 months pg with my 1st DC. I have never pushed for DP's 2 DSs to call me anything than my my first name (they have known me for over 3 years) and have always said that it is the boys decision what they call me. We've started discussing the "Mum" subject with the boys because of the impending baby, but I still stick to the "it's their decision to make" if only because I don't want to force them into anything they wouldn't be comfortable with.

So to come back to my issue. AIBU to be upset about her making the boys call her husband "Dad" when I believe that it should be their choice?

[purpleroses]

No, I don't think YANBU to be upset - I'd be upset for my DP if that happened to him.

But realistically, I can't see there's an awful lot you can do about it except to support your DP not to be too hurt by it, and encourage your DSs to understand that it doesn't really matter what they call people, and that if they do call their stepdad "dad" that doesn't mean that their real dad is any less important to them. Are they upset about it? If not, I'd let it lie. If they are, they'll probably ignore their mum, or sort it out themselves. It probably won't help for you to get involved.

If there's a new DC in their mum's household who's now 2.5 I woud guess the move may have come about as this new child is now calling his/her dad "dad" so your DSs may find it easy to join in, or their mum thinks they should.

I think you're right in your attitude that it should come from the DCs. Good if you can continue to affirm this view in your own household.

[Smum99]

No you're not being unreasonable and we had a similar situation with the ex. She was very insistent that dss call the new man dad and wanted his surname changed (so that all the household matched).

Advice on this subject is that it's best of children not to be confused by calling multiple men dad. The ex was furious with this approach however DH's instinct and the advice was correct as a few years later she broke up with that man (who is now considered by her to be awful) and DSS has no relationship with him at all. What would have happen if DSS had called him dad or changed surnames?? At the time the ex was 100% this was the man for her, she even had children with him but she's now about to remarry again, after she had affair on 2nd husband - as they say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I would get your dp to talk to his children (it's his issue to resolve), he should explain that he's happy that they like the new man but that they only have 1 mum and 1 dad. It's usually the adults that want everything 'tidy' by calling the partner dad but it doesn't really impact children, they know they have one dad.
My teen dd sees her dad on a regular basis and has known my dh for years so I have been through this situation.

[NotaDisneyMum]

No, YANBU - this is a well recognised form of alienation, and addressed in a range of literature, research and support material - all from the US at the moment, where this kind of thing can be included in Court Orders to ensure that the alienating parent
Complies

In the UK, the Centre for Separated Families have written a book entitled 'Putting Children First' to support their parenting programme and they address this issue - sadly the UK courts haven't yet fully caught up but if your DP has parental responsibility, his ex can't change the DCs names without his permission. Perhaps he could write to the schools, GP and so forth to ensure they are aware of his position?

[matana]

No, YANBU. And when it happened here we actually corrected my DSDs when they called the other man 'daddy' (on his Ex's insistence). He is not. They have a perfectly good one who maintains regular contact and pays maintenance. And i have never insisted on DH's girls calling me 'mummy' even though we now have a DS together and it might confuse him when he gets older. I am not their mum. They already have a less than adequate mum.

[kaluki]

YANBU at all.
My DPs ex wife does this and it breaks DPs heart (which is why she does it I'm sure)
She makes them write stories about "My New Family" which they bring roudn to 'show' us, all pictures of ex wife, her new man and the new baby as a family unit. Its like DP has been written out and she does it to taunt him.
She made them write Christmas cards to him "To Daddy XXX". The poor things were so confused. We actually had to sit them down and draw out a family tree showing all the relatives and point out the step family and half siblings. She went mad at us for "interfering in her family" FFS.
I don't understand why anyone would actively want someone elses dc to call them Mum or Dad. My own dc are the only ones entitled to call me Mum, it makes our relationship seem special to us.

[Smum99]

Kaluki, I'm always concerned when an ex tries to ignore the past and create an image of the new family, it seems to suggest they haven't really come to terms with the reality of their life. DH's ex never took responsibility for her part in the breakup and chose to recreate a new family with 2nd husband straight away however it meant she rushed the marriage which then fell apart a few years later. She is doing it again (new b/f) new 'family' and she doesn't seem to learn from past experiences. The most important factor to her is that she is married and has a family unit - However to do that she has to erase the presence of the previous fathers. It's selfish behaviour and not in the dc's best interests.

[NotaDisneyMum]

The most important factor to her is that she is married and has a family unit - However to do that she has to erase the presence of the previous fathers. It's selfish behaviour and not in the dc's best interests.

My exH is desperately trying to do this - his efforts to exclude me from DD's life and replace me with his fiancée are quite scary at times.
He only has 50:50 care of DD; if he had residency he would undoubtedly succeed. As it is - I spend a lot of my time undoing his actions and influence.

[purpleroses]

Sad so many mums feel they need to recreate a nuclear family to be happy. Read a great book called Mum's House Dad'd House that a friend lent me once. Would be great if some of your DPs' exs could read it. About embracing a different kind of family set up.

[Enfyshedd]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies and support.

My DP has custody of his DSs, and they only stay with their mother 2-3 nights a week. The eldest (13) is openly hostile towards his mother, and the youngest (5) complains most times that he has to go over to hers. One thing which struck me quite early on after I moved in was when I realised that the youngest would ask if he was "going to Mummy's or Daddy & Enfys' house after school" - neither DSS regularly comments on the existence of their mother's new husband, but I know that she was sick of hearing about me before anything even happened between DP & I (when he dropped the boys off with her, DP overheard her shout after the boys "if I hear any more about Enfys..." before the interior door closed, which was part of the reason that he thought that it would be ok to ask me out).

In some respects, I feel sorry for her that her sons don't like spending time with her but the more I learn of her acts & behaviour, the more I can't believe DP stuck it out with her for so long and the DSS1 even agrees to see her. She really is a despicable person.

[NotaDisneyMum]

enfy - is there a CO in place? It sounds very complex if your DP had residency, the DCs spend half their time with their mum as NRP and she is proposing to change their name - despite not being the primary home

As for the DCs not seeing their mum; I strongly believe it is a parents responsibility to actively encourage a relationship with their other parent. So many parents the the excuse 'Well, it's up the DC, I'm not going to force them' - this gives the DC the impression that contact isn't important, because their parent does insist that they do other things - like attend school.

Encourage your DSC to see the positives of spending time with their mum

[Enfyshedd]

Hi NotaDisneyMum No, their mum isn't proposing to change their name (not sure if I gave that impression - didn't think I did?) - she just makes them call her new husband "Dad".

Re. Access: DP gives her an extra night each week to the CO, but he has Full Residency. They are encouraged to spend time with her, but they don't like being with her. DSS1 legs it as soon as he's out of bed on the weekends as he can't stand being around her (not surprising as he was only 9 when she walked out on them & I think he took it personally), and DSS2 is always complaining that his half sis (3 years younger) wakes him up during the night as he has to share a bedroom with her (there is no way DSS1 & 2 would share a room with 7 1/2 years between them - there would be carnage). Both complain about being bored when they're with her as she rarely does anything with them except sometimes take them with her to do shopping.

She doesn't even seem to care about them that much. A few months after she'd left, DP was hospitalised for a week & a half after an assault which fractured his skull and gave him a bleed on the brain (long time before he & I got together, and I barely knew him at the time). She complained about having to look after her own sons and tried to get him to have them both back (inc. DSS2 who was only 3 at the time) the evening he got out of hospital when he had no money except a few quid left over from what friends had lent him when he was in hospital and no food in the house. She even complained about taking DSS1 to the hospital so he could see that his Dad was ok!!!

If the shoe were on the other foot, I am entirely convinced that she would do her best to prevent a relationship between DP & his sons. I'm just glad that my DSS's realise that their dad loves & cares for them so much.

[NotaDisneyMum]

My mistake - sorry!

As for the DCs not enjoying contact, well that's up to their mum really, by the sounds of it ? As long as their dad and you are encouraging and supporting them and not giving them the chance to opt out of contact then she has every chance to maintain a positive relationship with them.
Do you think they can pick up on your dislike of her and maybe act to maintain your 'approval'? It's unusual for young DCs to harbour grudges against people they love for so long if the adult is trying to make amends

[Enfyshedd]

DP tries his best with the youngest to be positive, but the eldest had to be told shortly after the split to not stand at the school gate and scream obscenities at her on the days she picked him up. A lot of DP's friends at the time (myself included) tried to help by talking to the eldest and to talk him round but there's a lot of resentment on DSS1's side and after the whole hospitalisation thing, most of us decided that we couldn't be bothered to try to help the selfish cow have a relationship with her son if she couldn't be bothered to help herself.

Personally, I tried again with DSS1 a couple of months after moving in just by suggesting her got her an Xmas present or to make her something like chocolate truffles, but he wasn't interested. Like I said, although he was only 9, I think DSS1 took things very personally when his mother walked out on them and got pregnant so fast, and it's something which will take him a long time (if ever) to get over.

[NotaDisneyMum]

That's so sad

Has he seen a counsellor or youth worker at all? We've had a very positive experience of youth counselling with DSS - it is tragic IMO when a DC loses out on a relationship with a parent He is far too young to truly understand the long term consequences of his behaviour and by the time he realises, it may be too late

[Enfyshedd]

At the moment I'm more concerned with getting DSS1's education sorted out. His primary school was rubbish and his standard of reading & writing is about 3-4 years behind what he should be at (DSS2 was moved to a new school last year as soon as we realised this and is coming on leaps & bounds). DP & I have a meeting with the high school this week to request a dyslexia assessment for DSS1 as we think if this is the reason behind DSS1's english problems that it might help his overall attitude/frustration.

The ex isn't aware of this meeting as any discussion over the boys' education broke down last year after she went tonto over my presence at DSS1's first parents evening in the high school, tried to have me removed from the school by the head of year because I'm "not a parent" and ran off to the toilets crying after shouting at one of the teachers because the teacher looked at me to answer a question I'd asked, and later in the year she had a solicitor's letter sent to DP about the change in DSS2's school (to one which is in the area where we live and has far better OFSTED ratings) saying that she is supposed to be part of the decision (which she isn't according to the custody agreement and the local authority were satisfied with the paperwork provided by DP).

The other issue is that DP is a little on the proud side of things that social services haven't been involved with his care of the boys. The school haven't expressed any concerns about DSS1's behaviour, only about him missing a lot of time last term after he had a couple of chest infections and his mother taking him out of school for a day for her wedding and 2 days for a weekend away a week later, and she didn't bother to inform the school - DSS2 wasn't taken on the weekend away).

I've spoken to DSS1's head of year back in December over the issues we had last term, so I will also be asking for an update on the progress he's made in the meeting. As part of this, I think it would be an ideal opportunity to ask if they think he has other issues that should be addressed.

[NotaDisneyMum]

It all sounds very complicated, but if you add poor school attainment, his hostility towards his mum and the ongoing animosity between parents then it all adds up to a very unhappy DC Are the school aware of the ongoing issues? It might be the missing piece of the jigsaw they need

Has your DPs ex had her PR removed? If not, then I'm confused as to how she doesn't have the right to be involved in significant decisions relating to the DCs as anyone (parent or guardian) with parental responsibility is required to be involved - Although the application form itself can be filled in by the parent with residence, most LAs will require the NRP to agree?

[Enfyshedd]

Sorry for the long gap - birthday week and busy in work.

The school is aware of DSS1's issues with his mother (at least I've ensured that his heads of year this year and last year have been made aware at parents evenings and ). The meeting this week with his head of year was very positive and she spoke to DSS1 that afternoon (before he went home will swollen glands - turned out to be a bad case of tonsillitis, so he missed the rest of the week of school).

I think DP's ex did have her PR removed - she is definitely not required to be involved in decisions regarding education, health care (except in emergencies), etc - the LEA phoned DP to check his contact details for DSS2 when he changed DSS2's school, but they had a copy of the court order and did not require the ex's permission. In fact, after she'd had a solicitor's letter sent to us (not from the firm that she'd used for the divorce), I think she'd thought that DP hadn't changed the school, so she was suprised when DSS2 turned up in his new school uniform after his first day and has since refused to take him to the school in the morning so DP has to walk over and collect him (the new school is about the same distance as the old one from her house and her daughter isn't due to start school until this year).

[NotaDisneyMum]

enfy it all sounds incredibly complicated and obviously your DSS is picking up on the stress and conflict

It might be worth confirming with your solicitor exactly what legal rights DSS mum does have - for your own peace of mind if nothing else. The fact that her solicitor sent a letter suggests that she may still have PR? For instance, if your DP is the only person with PR for DSS, then it has an impact on guardianship. Under normal circumstances a surviving parent would be automatically responsible for a child even if they were the NRP, but if your DSS mum doesn't have PR, she wouldn't be able to do that without a CO for instance - and you would be left dealing with that