Hiding upstairs again

[NHAN]

My step children are here this weekend and now that their dad and I have split up i'm finding it very hard to be involved. The reality is he is deliberately not involving me and excluding me whilst constantly saying in front of them 'we would all like you to join us'.
I have a 6 month old baby who is not well today so haven't been able to go anywhere. I don't have any family to escape to either.
He doesn't usually cook or anything but whenever they are here he controls everything. He cooks, cleans, decides what everyone is doing and again allows me to be involved if i want. He sends his children to the shop if something has run out even though I am here and it is usually my money he is using. I know this doesn't sound bad but they all act like i'm a nutcase because of how he treats me.
There is no role for me anymore and I hate it. It's only like this when they are here, usually he is a little more respectful. I've told him many times how I feel but he sees it differently so end of conversation. We obviously have the baby together and a 4 yr old too and when his children are here he does whatever he likes with our son as well. He lets him eat far too much rubbish, behave really badly and then shouts at him when he goes too far. Of course he is going to push the boundaries, they've disappeared!!!
I know i'm not meant to feel this way but I don't like being around my ss. It's not just me who feels like it so its not an evil step mother thing. None of his family can cope with him. I just feel so let down by all of his dad's family. The rest of them are getting together today but we are never invited because of ss behaviour. They can't cope with him, fair enough, but nor can I!! and he's not mine!! and I need a break!!
I know I took him on part time when I got together with his dad but I didn't know he would be like this or that his mum and dad would bury their heads for so many years about it and not get any help. I didn't know I would be the only one trying to parent him properly and have boundaries. I do know that I can't do it anymore though. I don't like not liking a child, I feel very guilty but it is so hard to find things to like today!
I'm struggling with depression at the moment and was really not looking forward to this weekend. I just want to leave.
I can't wait for spring and summer when I can escape to the park easily.

[nenevomito]

Hi NHAN - before I reply am I right that you and your H have split up but are still living together or have I got that wrong?

[RandomMess]

When are you going to move out?

[NHAN]

Yes, I have nowhere to go with 2 small children and he won't move out so for now we are living under the same roof. It makes it much harder having his children here now, especially because they are being told we will get back together and are still engaged etc. It must be confusing to them, I've told them the truth but both their mum and dad tell them different.
I'm a sahm so don't have the money to get my own place straight away

[Smum99]

You have so much going on for you. A new baby, depression, separation, step children so no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Living together but separated can be intolerable so no wonder you feel excluded. Are you getting help for the depression? I think you need to focus on getting some support for you - do you have any close family you could stay with?

[taxiforme]

Hi



Pull up a seat, sit down..relax, if only for a minute. As Smum99 says, any of these things you are trying to handle are tough on their own, all of them at once must be overwhelming. You clearly can't "just move out" at the moment, in the short term. I think that you probably feel out of control. Time to take some control back.

I would concentrate on two things. Getting help for the depression and getting out.

1. Go to the docs and try and get the depression sorted. They may be able to signpost you to other help. Take it.
   

1. Talk to your DP, you are the mother of his baby and 4YO you all live in this malestrom full time (the SC I assume go back to their RP). Ask him if he will take his kids out (even to a family members for the night) when they come, not ideal for them (as none of this IS their fault) even just one night. It seems there is some leeway as he is more "respectful" when you are on your own. I must say that even with my lovely DH I feel like a spare part at the weekends when his kids are around. Get the picture clear about the fact that you are separated. Tell him to stop telling others that you are engaged. The kids dont need to know the details, but the adults should.
   

1. Try social services or CAB to find out what you are entitled to re alternative housing. DP should be contributing. I think as soon as you are able to have your own place, all of this will cease and you will have space to think and get your life back on track and move on.
   

Good luck

[RandomMess]

In all seriousness I would phone and speak to womans aid, he is sounding very controlling and manipulating even if you don't want to leave to go to their hostel they may be able to help you even if it is talking through the problem with someone who will understand how badly it is affecting you.