How to keep everyone happy??

[stillworkingitoutmum]

Can anyone who has children and step children give me some advice please?

My DD is 6 and my SDD is 12 and I find it very difficult when she comes to us, every other weekend, to find something that we can all do together or that we can do with them separately but give both of them an enojoyable time.

My SDD is very quiet, just started big school and when she's at her own home she does nothing at all, and has no interests or hobbies, so when she comes to us and we ask her what she'd like to do we just get the reply 'don't know'.

My DD who's 6 see's the SDD as her personal playmat for the time that she's with us and although SDD goes along with this, I do find that she sometimes looks really peed off (can't blame her,) but she never complains, or says anything.

DD is very very clingy with my DH when SDD is around 'he's my daddy' type of reaction and DH just goes along with this. My DH is no use what so ever, he will not do anything with SDD just the two of them and so invevitably we end up doing nothing and it's driving me mad!

My SDD has, from what I can gather, not sitmulation from her home, and her mother from what I can gather does not do anything with her, and I feel that she needs someone to help her to discover activies and hobbies that she can enjoy and help her grow in confidence and develop.

My SDD is on the rather large size, she's a size 14 - 16 womans clothing, at just 12 years old and I think this affects her confidence and is some of the reasons why she's disinterested in anything, but I may be wrong with this thought???

What I need are some good ideas for solutions to get at 12 year old girl enthused in something, whilst I can still engage my 6 year old - oh and of course money is really tight so it can't cost the earth ....

Any suggestions please ......

[nenevomito]

I think she's probably disinterested because she's 12, but I suspect that she may have self esteem issues as well if she's overweight too.

My advice, having been through this stage with my DSD some years ago now (scary thought) is not to try and do anything spectacular. When DSD came round she mainly wanted to watch TV and spend time with her Dad, in that order. We would do trips out to the park to walk around and she really liked taking DS on the climbing frames and being the older child.

My DH would take her out to eat or to the cinema, just the two of them to get some time together, but the rest of the time we just did regular, boring family stuff with her as if we would do if she lived with us all the time.

[purpleroses]

Do you live near to her school/friends? Maybe she'd be happier if you could help her arrange some social things to do with friends. 12 is right on the boarderline in my experience between the age when children need parents to help them organise their social lives (eg invite over a playdate) and when they start doing it themselves. Does she have a mobile phone to arrange things with friends? Or if not, are you on amicable enough terms with her DM to get some contact details of friends who could be asked round? Can you make sure she knows she can invite a friend over if she wants? Or can you offer to run her or the friend to the house, if you don't live near enough for them to make their own way?

My DP's DD2 is 11 and doesn't do an awful lot when she comes to his house. She does seem happy enough to play with my dd (8) a lot of the time. Things I have managed to get her doing though in the time I've known her include:

• swimming
  
• visit to open studios art display
  
• day trips out with all the family - eg to a National Trust place or something (though often with some reluctance)
  
• going round charity shops (she was very keen on this :))
  
• cinema
  
• swing park/padding pool
  
  We've also done a bit of sewing lately at home, and board games. If she's shy then doing some artwork or something at home might be easier for her than going out to some new sports club or something with people she doesn't know.
  
  What kinds of hobbies would be possible during the time when she's with you? Is there a local sports centre or somethingn that you could look on the website of, to see what they offer? If she's shy she might find it hard going along to a class or something where she doesn't know people though - could you ask her what her friends do and if there's anything she'd like to join them in? Or go with a friend to some new activity?
  
  At 12, would she be old enough to join you in some kind of adult class - eg aerobics or something?

[coronet]

Ahhhhh, poor DSD. She's lucky to have you thinking about her. I have a similar age gap between DSS and DD, and it's very hard finding things that suit both. Successes are swimming (if your DSD would go), bowling (great for everyone), cinema (quite a few films that would suit both), cafes, walks and board games (lots of board games). I would also go to museums, day trips etc. We bought a wii, which DSS and DD love playing together.

[Pandygirl]

How about riding lessons for both of them? They could learn together.

[stillworkingitoutmum]

Thanks for all your responses on this, it's sometimes just good to know there are others out there like me...

We have the wii, the board games and do try the cinema and stuff but DSD just appears to be 'going along with them' rather than enjoying herself.

She's due to arrive soon and I like the idea from purpleroses about her meeting up with her friends or having them over to us, I'd never actually given that a though really and we do live in the same area so totally possible. Also if I get to meet some of her friends then they might help me get a better insight as to what she does and doesn't like so I'm defo going to suggest this when she arrives .... I'll update and let you know how it goes.

I just wish sometimes that my DH would take the initiative and try to get involved as with my DD he's always totally involved but doesn't seem that bothered with DSD, he says it coz he knows nothing about 12 year old girls, but if he doesn't try then he never will!

Anyhow, thanks all of you for your posts, and I think also when the weather improves somewhat I might try the horse riding as Pandygirl has said, rather fancy that one myself.