Ex refuses to talk to DP. Any suggestions?

[PickledLily]

DP and Ex are divorced; the finance and childcare arrangements have been agreed and both sides have stuck to the arrangements and been flexible when required. So far, so good.

The problem is that the Ex refuses to talk to DP. All arrangements are via text, email or the eldest child. DP refuses to use the children as messengers and has tried to ring her on several occasions but she gets the children to pick up the phone. She won't appear at the door at drop-off and DP doesn't dare go to her door as it's 'her territory' and he fears a showdown in front of the children.

It's starting to become an issue because there are some behavourial issues and future schooling plans that DP wants to discuss but text/email is just not appropriate.

I keep my nose out of matters between DP and Ex, but this is making my blood boil because it's her children that are suffering as a result.

Any suggestions? Do I just have to let this go?

[Snorbs]

I prefer to deal with my ex via text or, preferably, email as a) there's a written record, b) it helps reduce the number of deliberate misunderstandings on my ex's part, and c) it gives me a chance to really consider my position and what I'm trying to achieve before I respond rather than risk getting caught up in a pointless argument.

It might take a bit longer to deal with complicated issues by email rather than face to face but if it avoids the risk of a nasty showdown and consequent bad feelings then I'd say the benefits outweigh the downsides.

[Smum99]

Ideally both parents would be able to co parent but you can't force that to happen.

How old are the dc's? Whilst it's not ideal, email, txt contact may reduce the conflict which is positive for the children.
In the past DH has tried to have face to face conversations but generally it isn't positive and email does mean there is a record of what has been agreed which has been helpful. Your dp can't force the ex to communicate so he will have to accept that this is the way it is currently, that might change in the future so just do what is possible for now.

[chelen]

Here we do most by email, it works pretty well for us. I think DP found phone calls could get derailed into talking about loads of nonsense rather than the specific issue.

It'd be great if really co-operative co-parenting was always possible but it just isn't in our case. We gave up feeling guilty for that long ago, it genuinely isn't within our control and we do what we can.

In your case, if you absolutely think DP needs to speak with his ex, I would advise requesting a mediation session. That way the conversation will at least have a chance of being focused and productive?

[IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll]

I would respect her wishes not to see or talk to him and realise that she must have her reasons.

It might be easier for your DP to talk on the phone, but that doesn't necessarily mean it will be easier for her. He can use email to communicate. It may be more time consuming, but if it's important then he will just have to put the time in.

[MrsJAlfredPrufrock]

What sort of behavioural issues?

[PickledLily]

Useful insights, thank you. DP won't push the communication issue for precisely the reasons you mention. I hadn't realised that email/text only was common practice, as my divorced friends have (more or less) civil conversations with their ex's, even if it's through gritted teeth.

So it's me that's frustrated by the situation! I'm fed up with dealing with the DSCs taking their anger out on DP, seeing DP ignored, kicked and punched, and upset that DSD is so extremely anxious when she should be full of confidence.

Actually writing this, I realise I'm being totally naive expecting a dialogue with the Ex to help the situation. I guess I thought it might help to know if the DSCs act this way at mum's too. What was I thinking