Bank Holidays ... what's normal?

[origamirose]

We have contact with my DP's children eow (Friday - Sunday night) and one o'night per week. We also have roughly 5 weeks a year during school holidays. This year we've been organised about the weekends and it so happens that we aren't due to have the children over Easter weekend or the first may bank holiday. I was (selfishly) pleased about this. However DPs ex (who is a SAHM and does not have a limit of 22 days holiday a year) has said that she thinks she should have all the bank hols.
How do other families split bank hols?

[W0rmy]

We have always had them for the bank holiday if it fell on our weekend, oddly with various swaps we had to accommodate we had them for every Bh for about 6 years

[Petal02]

Well if you?re selfish, then I?m selfish too ???

We have DSS for bank holidays if they coincide with our weekends, but when I checked the 2012 calendar, back in October of last year, I realised we were due to have DSS over Easter, and as DH and I are both off work on Good Friday/Easter Monday, it would mean sitting at home doing nothing from 4pm Thurs-6pm Monday. I also realised the extended Diamond Jubilee Bank Holiday was due to be an access weekend, and as the Tuesday is also a bank holiday, I imagine access would have been from 4pm Thurs til 6pm Tues, and that?s a VERY long weekend.

Anyway, God gave me my Mastercard for a reason ? so I booked DH and I on a 4-day break over Easter, and we?re literally leaving the country on Jubilee Weekend. DH is quite happy about this, and is content to see DSS the weekend before or after these events. I can cope (just) with normal access weekends, but when they start extending to four or five days, it?s almost untenable. It?s too long to be housebound.

Before anyone flames me - I know I'll never go to heaven!!!

[smokinaces]

Petal I wad tempted to race in there with flaming and "why do you have to be housebound" until I remembered some of your threads and tbh until I've walked a mile and all that thou shall not judge! Yours isn't the easiest of step situations.

Here bank holidays depend on whether ex has them off work. It's meant to be that he has them one night a weekend with a four day period at Christmas and a week at some other point in the year. Last year that week was split up over various bank holidays where he had a two night visit and I went away for the weekend. This year is a bit in the air, but should imagine will be similar. I would be miffed if he did no bank holidays, but equally don't expect them all.

[Petal02]

Smokinaces - thank you for being non-judgemental, it's much appreciated x

[smokinaces]

I would also ask op about school holidays. I know you and your dp only get 22days but do you take time off in holidays to have the kids? Even as a sahm the six weeks can be daunting, and maybe those bank holidays for her are her idea of compromise on that? There are what, nine bank holidays - why not split them? One of you do Easter, the other jubilee weekend for instance. Neither of you deserve to claim all bank holidays.

[smokinaces]

Petal, I try. I'm not a step parent myself, but grew up with them. My step mother was awful, step father great. My children also now have a stepmother and half sibling. Trying to keep everything amicable so everyone is happy is hard work! But id hate to be tarnished like some of the RP are on here!

[smokinaces]

Oooops teach me to read! It says you have them in the summer.

In which case I would say no, she shouldn't get all bank holidays, but some kind of 50/50 split and leeway would work if she is the kind to see reason!!

[origamirose]

Thank you. I'm afraid that there's no reasoning with the girls' mum. In fact, I started this thread to see what others do after DP had fury unleashed on him last night (in front of children). It seems that his ex has realised that we are not due to have the children for Easter or first May bank hol. I should point out that we will be having them for 6 nights preceeding easter weekend (drop off friday morning).
This morning we received an e-mail saying that she had two weddings to attend on those weekends (I don't believe her as i'm sure that would've been mentioned last night) and that we would need to readjust our plans or organise childcare. We have booked to go o'seas for easter.
I don't want the kids being used as pawns in what I think is a dispute between their parents, neither do I want them to think that we don't want to have them (even if from my perspective that's a little bit true).
I'm happy to take the early may bank hol (even though it means 3 consecutive access w.e) but I can't give up easter.
What do I do for the best?

[Petal02]

Origamirose, it's up to your DP to put his foot down, and say that as you weren't due to have the children over Easter, you've made plans to go abroad, which cannot be changed. And then he has to stick to his guns. I agree you may have to give up the Jubilee Weekend in the spirit of compromise, but you CANNOT be expected to cancel overseas plans which you made, on what was planned to be a child-free weekend.

[smokinaces]

Agree with Petal. Say you will do the jubilee but the Easter one you are out the country, and she will have to either a) take kids to wedding or b) arrange childcare. Get dh to send an email as she has.

I hate arguing with the kids there. Ex-h and I argue but only once in three years in front the kids (about his lack of carseat usage with a two and four year old, I couldn't bite my tongue to get home) I also hate using kids as pawns :-(

[origamirose]

We are doing the jubilee (at request of ex back in December - we are going to see friends in the west country with the girls and we are all really looking foward to it). It's the first may bank hol we're not due to do but will compromise on.

I agree with you both re DP having to put his foot down and insisting that we are free over Easter w.e. My big fear is that ex doesn't back down (we don't often push things with her as we are genuinely concerned about how her reaction impacts the children).

I'm also very wary of telling her we're going o'seas as we are due to drop girls off on Good Fri morning and fly that evening - I would not be surprised if she didn't turn up for pick up if she knew we were going away (things like this have happened before)...

I just wish we could all get on and work together for the sake of the kids.

[Petal02]

?I wouldn?t be surprised if she didn?t turn up for the pick-up if she knew we were going away?

The very first time DH and I went away together, we were due to fly on a Monday morning, and DH was supposed to drop the children back to their mothers on the Sunday night. I was slightly concerned we were taking it so close to the wire, and (surprise!) we got a text on the Sunday lunch time, from the ex, saying that she was still away and could we keep them til Monday morning. Thankfully DH had anticipated this, and we dropped the children at the ex?s sister?s house (who is generally quite sensible about all this).

However ? after that, to negate any risk of future ?problems? I always insisted that the children (there were two of them at that time, DSD is now away at Uni) were taken back to their mothers at least 24 hours before we were due to depart.

I used to try and avoid telling the ex we were going abroad, because I know how spiteful she can be, but DSS tells his mother everything, and we never managed to keep it secret.

But in your case Origami, I?d be very careful to ensure you?ve got a back-up plan, ie that you can take them home yourselves, if you can?t rely on the ex to pick them up, and if you think she?d just depart anyway, leaving you completely stuck with the children, you?d probably be better taking them home a couple of days early, just to foil any little schemes she may have. And the less you tell her about your plans, the better (assuming the step children won?t drop you in it).

[smokinaces]

I am so saddened that ex partners can act like this with the kids :-( I may not get on with my exs girlfriend or him much, but I would never do something that shallow. I really feel for both of your as step parents.

[allnewtaketwo]

DH's court order said he could have bank holidays where they coincided with an "access" weekend. But ex won't hear of it so it doesn't happen.

Petal you've got the same schedule as us then because all this year's early bank holidays fall over "access" weekends. So although we don't have them on the BH itself, it means we can't go away anywhere .

[origamirose]

Ladies, we have a solution. Fortunately DP still has a good relationship with his ex-MIL (a lovely lady who has been consistently supportive of us) and after a quick call from DP to her this morning she has agreed to have the children over the Easter weekend. Her DP is going to drive down on the Thursday and drive back up with the children on the Friday morning.

So childcare sorted, disaster averted. Ex not happy about this arrangement but I think it's probably the best thing (and avoided confrontation which is probably not the best for the long-term but it suits me short-term)

[chelen]

Here we split the holidays totally 50/50 so if the BH is in a portion of the holiday when DSS is with whatever parent, that parent gets it. Half terms are alternated so those BHs (e.g. Whit) come around when they come round.

I guess we probably get slightly more as if there are any on a normal weekend (as in, no happening whilst a school holiday), DSS would come home as usual from a weekend visit. But it isn't really calculated, and there aren't many outside school hols I think?

[smokinaces]

Glad you got it sorted. The fact the ex isn't happy goes to show she was just trying to spite you which is so petty. Have a good weekend away!