Mumsnet Talk

DH has just set off, taking a shovel, across the country roads, to collect DSS17. The roads are not good tonight, and it's still snowing heavily.

If I were DSS's mother, I wouldn't want him undertaking the journey under these conditions.

And it's unlikely that DH will be able to get DSS back to his village tomorrow, (which is close to the school) but hey, just so long as we're rota compliant, nothing else matters.

I don't think many people would want their loved ones out on the roads tonight, and this just makes me resent DSS even more.

Personally I'm very anti compliance.

It's a bit risky him coming - he might get snowed in at yours...

That's so ridiculous petal I can see why you get very frustrated with this situation. Even DH's ex (who can be very difficult at times) will pick up/have DSD dropped off early if the weather is looking dodgy.

In the early days of our relationship, my DH was very compliant with ex's requests re access and all that jazz. He admits now it was because he was scared of her withdrawing access to his DH. Now, 6 years on, he has really turned a corner and says he couldn't give a s**t what his ex says or does anymore as DSD is 14 and he knows she can/will make her own decisions as to whether she comes to visit us if her mother were to become difficult. It was a bit of a 'yippee' moment for me and I'm annoyed for you that you can't have that too.

Petal I understand your concerns....I too wouldn't want DH risking his or DSS's safety in order to keep compliant with the rota.

That control issue again!

It's not only xw's that want to stick to the rota! Last year when we had lots of snow and severe weather warnings on the local radio/news, I cancelled xh's access wknd with the dc's, as I felt it was far too dangerous, not only for the dc's to travel but also my xh. He WAS NOT happy and gave me a lot of grief! He would have travelled to pick the dc's up had I not put my foot down and been adamant it was too dangerous for anyone to travel ! Why can't people be realistic and put safety before selfishness?!!

I guess it depends on how good your co-parenting relationship generally is?

If you tend to agree regularly on parenting issues together then something like this would be a no-brainer...if you don't tend to agree then I would have thought something like this create sparks. It shouldn't but it's human nature.

How ridiculous. Why you put up with this shit I don't know. I knew it would be you when the word "rota" was in the title. Stupid situation - I would have walked a long time ago leaving little boy blue and daddy to live happily ever after in Disneyland.

Petal, have you made yourself a secret 'crossing off the days' calendar for when DSS turns 18 and the rota ends (or is this wishful thinking on your behalf?)

I feel for you, have a

Pretty harsh to use this as a reason to resent dss more. Not his fault.

Ladygagoo – DSS will be 18 in September, but I don’t think this will bring about the end of the rota. His birthday will simply be another day in the calendar, and like most ‘milestone’ birthdays, it doesn’t really change anything.

DH and his ex didn’t have a formal contact order, they just agreed (when they split up) what the pattern would be, and it’s never changed. But even if a formal order had been in place, it would have expired on DSS’s 16th birthday. So there are no legalities tying us to this pattern, just DSS’s wishes, and DH’s wish to indulge DSS.

However DSS does want to go to Uni, and the three universities he’s interested in are a good way from our home town. Providing his A levels go OK, he should be going to Uni in September 2013, and I am indeed counting the days til then.

Hold on to that hope Petal!

Just be prepared for the rota to continue in the holidays!

I have visions of your step son living with a family of his own and him telling his wife and kids that "we have to keep to a rota and see Grandad and Petal on x weekend and Grandma and Grandma's partner on Y weekend".

Sorry, Petal, didn't mean to depress you any more!

SparkleSoiree, your point is well made. I think the issue with cancelling contact due to poor weather is that it should be agreed not dictated.

Petal02..if you ask your dh when it will all stop and some flexibility introduced what does he say??

I'm shocked you are still following any set pattern of visits considering DSS age

DDs Dad is supposed to be picking her up on Sunday but i wouldnt dare expect him to travel 200 miles in this weather and wouldnt want him to risk any accidents travelling back with her in the car.

Theredhen- Love your visuals

I've read your threads before, petal02. I saw this title and wondered if it would be your DSS again. Fingers crossed he gets his uni places, i think it will encourage a much healthier, interactive relationship (as in, contact is natural and when he feels like it/can fit it in rather than sticking to the rota!)

I don't understand the mindset of a parent who would subject their child to a journey in snow which could potentially be dangerous just to prove a point against their ex/stick to a rota. But I do have plentiful experience of the same kind of crap. I really do feel for you all Petal

If I ask DH when the rota will stop, he always says that DSS will dictate this. It drives me up the wall that a teenager dictates our schedule. If he could only visit on certain nights because he had, for example, to arrange it around football, cricket, swimming, then that would be a bit different, but he always tells DH he doesn’t like change, DH won’t challenge that, so we basically have rota for the sake of rota.

You may recall we ditched the rota last May, when DSS fnished mainstream school. It actually worked quite well, DH took the plunge and told DSS things had to change, and stuck to his guns. However the ex started complaining, on the grounds that not all DSS’s visits involved overnight stays, and therefore if we weren’t having him for the correct number of nights per week, she’d go to the CSA.

DSS got upset about this, DH won’t tolerate any situation where DSS may get upset, DH and I ended up having a huge row about it, and the rota was re-introduced. On the few occasions I’ve challenged DH about it since, he always states that the row we had was the reason the rota came back, but that’s just an excuse. I think that even if I’d burnt the toast he would have used this as a ‘reason’ to bring the rota back.

Sorry, I’m not posting to seek answers, I just need to get this off my chest because it really drives me mad.

surely when your DSS is 18 he is 'of age' and a court order no longer applies to him? <unsure of legalities here> but the ex won't be able to pull the I'm going to the CSA line anymore?

Offload away Petal02!

We all get to the point at times where we just have to vent and vent until we have nothing left to vent. then we can pick ourselves up and start moving again!

scroogemcduck - I think CSA payments are enforced until 19 if the child is still in FT education? Not sure whether you can still go to the CSA once the child is over 18 though.

Yes I think when DSS turns 18 or finishes further education, the ex won't be able to claim CSA for Petals DSS so she won't have the financial incentive to push DSS away for the required number of nights. Whether she will still push for it to happen because she wants the teenage lump out of her hair, I don't know.

Of course, we all know that if both parents encouraged a bit of socialising and independence, then it would be better for everyone but it's just easier to pass the kid back to the other parent.

In a "together" family, both parents would be encouraging independence because they would want some space away from a teenager. When parents are seperated they get that space by pushing the child onto the other parent and abdicating responsibility for a few days.

So many parents seem to forget that a child only has one life and that life goes on 7 days per week, 52 weeks per year and as a parent you have responsibility everyday to ensure your child grows to be a capable and decent adult, not just when the rota says so!

aha...I see. Yes, I'm not sure about the CSA situation at all. DSS's Mum issues random threats without checking her facts on a regular basis....

yes redhen, DSS's mum is like this too, counting up the nights he spends with her so it doesn't go 'over quota'. How did it come to this? Poor child seems to be just a commodity to her, not a much wanted/loved child who she's pleased to have with her...

DH’s court order states that he pays maintenance til DSS finishes his A levels. And he’ll be 18 in September 2012 (which will be at the start of his second year of A levels, he’s one of the eldest in his year), we’ll be paying maintenance til he’s almost 19, but we’re fine with that. However you’re right that the ex won’t be able to threaten us with the CSA if we don’t have the right number of nights once we’ve stopped paying maintenance. . However I doubt any of the above will make DSS any more independent. And Redhen is right, I expect the ex will still push for DSS to spend the same amount of nights with us, just to get him out of her hair.

Scrooge – like you, we have to deal with an ex who makes sure DH ‘does his exact quota’ of parenting, it’s always fine to do more, but any less is not tolerated.

God Almighty. Poor you Petal. What a rubbish situation.

Oh fgs. I also knew it would be you when I saw the title! What a load of cr*P going out in the snow to collect a 17yo for an 'access' visit. No wonder it makes you angry.

DSSs' mother has 'arranged' for them to do football on a Saturday afternoon (she arranges their activities, they have no hobbies of their own, she controls everything about their life, despite DSS1 being 16). So I asked DH yesterday why DSSs hadn't therefore being going to football on the weekends we have them. Apparently they're not doing it on the Saturdays they're with us because of the 'rota'. It hasn't occurred to anybody that actually life can continue as normal, despite the rota (we live about 3 miles from the football so not exactly a travelling issue!!). They're all just determined to stick to the rota, so no extra-curricular activities on 'our' weekends. Instead DSS1 will wonder around the house looking bored and asking "what are we doing next dad?".