How can I support my DP as he becomes a step-parent?

[NanettaStocker]

I'm hoping to get some advice from people who are definitely in the know, which you all seem to be.

I have one DD(3). It's just me and her at the moment, and I share 50:50 custody with her father. We get on really well, not acrimonious. He's absolutely fine with me having a new DP. At the moment we split the week, but it'll probably be one week on and one week off when she starts school. I have Saturday and Sunday mornings with her, and usually make an effort to do something out of the house. Although I do love lazing around and I think it's good for her too sometimes.

I've been with DP for nearly a year. When I've got DD, he'll be here most evenings so she sees him when she gets up. She's very much used to having him around and loves him to bits. I think he tried a bit too hard at the start, as lovely as it was, as she now thinks he'll just play with her all the time when he's here. But he is very good with her.

DP and I are both 30, he has no children and doesn't come from a family with lots of younger cousins and nieces/nephews, so isn't really that used to being around young children.

Now we are planning to move in together. The one thing that concerned him was how much it's going to change his life. He explained that he can't always be as enthusiastic as me about spending time with her and doesn't want to spend every Saturday keeping her occupied (although it'll be every other Saturday soon). We tend to do that at the moment, because we have limited time together and then I have limited time with DD, so I try to do both at once. I can understand this, and there's things I'd rather do with just me and her anyway. Part of me wishes he could just love her as much as I do, but I know that isn't necessary.

What I really want ot know is, from all of your perspectives as SPs, what can I do to support him in this transition? What do you think is fair for me to expect? Are there any pitfalls that you can warn me about? I know it's probably hard to say without knowing our dynamic. Also, this isn't him having to deal with a stroppy teenager who blames him for splitting up her parents, but a little girl who adores him and sees him as part of the family already.

Thanks for any help and advice anyone can provide.

[OnlyWantsOne]

Surely you and her come as a package? He cant pick & choose what bit of parenting he wants to do?

[NanettaStocker]

He does see us as a package, he's always known that nothing comes between me and her. At least he's being honest that it's going to be a big change for him. How have other people found this?

[glasscompletelybroken]

He seems pretty switched on if you ask me - he's spotted potential conflicts ahead of them happening which is a good thing. I didn't do that - I thought it would all be fine. I have my own kids and thought I knew something about it all but it is by far the hardest thing in my life, ever.

You and your dd are a package but you have to make space for your relationship with him - it's not about him just fitting around what you and your dd do. It's in her interest as well that this relationship works as they are clearly fond of each other. You can see endless examples on this forum of step-kids who are always put first and always expect to be, to the detriment of normal life.

My advice would be not to try and always do things together. have some time that is the three of you but also some where it's just you and dd and some where it's just you and your dp. We always have my dsd's on the wekends with just alternate sundays off and it is hard when you're a step-parent and been working all week and want to spend some relaxing time with your partner and you can't!

[purpleroses]

Not sure I'm quite in the right position to give you advice, as I'm at quite a similar stage myself of not yet living full time with DP. But spending most weekends at his, I'd agree with what glass says - that it is fine to have a mixture of time - time all together, time when I do my own thing, and time with just me and DP. And sometimes even time with me and (one or more of) the DCs and not DP. All of these combinations are good in different ways. The thing that we're having to get used to is communicating about expectations - mostly with each other, so that we're not both assuming different things. But also with the DCs so that they know what to expect.

Issues we've had to think about so far:

• bedtimes - you might have an easier time of this with a 3 year old, but I really value my adult time after the DCs have gone to bed and get a bit p**ed off at DP if he lets them stay up til he's ready for bed
  
• going out together in the evening - would you get a babysitter for the odd ocassion? Is he expecting you to? Are you happy for your DP to go out without you at other times? Would he be willing to stay in and look after DD whilst you go out?
  
• setting and enforcing rules. It's really hard not having any say in what rules you set for the DCs. And just as hard if you agree the rules together but don't feel it's your place to enforce them, and your DP doesn't. What works best it to agree things when the DCs are not around, and then make sure you enforce them, and back your DP up if he does.
  
• eating together - will you all three eat together, or will you sometimes feed DD earlier? Who will do the cooking?
  
• rules around toilets and bathrooms (separate vs communal towels, flushing toilets, locking doors, entering whilst someone else is in the bath, walking round naked, enforcing tooth brushing, etc)
  
  Good luck :)

[ma4pie]

As the step parent the two big things that helped more than anything was 1) being able to talk openly and honestly with DH about how I felt and knowing he would be honest back and 2) establishing a relationship with his ex so that I could check what was ok / not ok to do with the kids. I don't know whether the second will be possible for your DP but definitely make sure he knows that he can raise any issues or concerns with you without feeling guilty or fearing an argument. The only other thing that was a bone of contention with me was not being consulted when descisions, that affected me, were made without me.

Moving in with someone who already has kids always raises issues that you would not have even considered when you were living apart. As long as you both work as a team and can talk to each other you should be able to deal with them.

[theredhen]

I think enabling him to feel "part of it" by discussing changes of plans or rules with each other before implementation.

Accepting that he is not your daughters father and therefore not expecting him to behave like one. You are to remain the main disciplinarian but you are both clear on house rules and that your partner can ask that your daughter sticks to these clear and simple rules. Non compliance means that you issue a consequence and not him. Accept that he will want time away from you and your daughter and also accept that he will want time with you alone. It is also good for your daughter to have time with you alone. However, don't accept sniping or rudeness from him towards your daughter, you will lose respect for him if he's only prepared to moan about things rather than work with you to get a solution that suits all of you.

Don't fall into the trap of not giving your daughter "normality" by always making the time you have together "fun". It will teach her that the world revolves around her and her expectations will be that you will expect others to be dictated by her wishes as she gets older. Don;t be afraid to get a babysitter sometimes or to just stay home and let her amuse herself for a while. Don't leave the mundane jobs until you don't have your daughter around, again, for the same reason.

[Smum99]

well done for your cooperative parenting arrangements - your dd is likely to grow up very well adjusted as a result.So good to hear positive stories.

excellent practical suggestions from purple. Just be aware that it's likely your dp won't love your dd as much as you, a parent has a bond that step parents just don't have in most cases.

Being a step parent is very difficult job much harder than being a parent - whilst you both come as a package it doesn't mean it's easy for him. The biggest frustration step parents can feel is that they are often involved in the hard work of parenting but they have none of the rewards or appreciation. Even if your dp does lots of 'dad' stuff with your dd it's likely her bio dad will always be king (as it should be). That can be hurtful to a step parent so he needs to be able to talk about his feelings - otherwise resentment builds.

Good Luck - let us know how it goes

[Bonsoir]

First of all, you and your DD are not a package. No humans come packaged with others!

Secondly, I think it's a very good thing that you will be doing "every other weekend" with your DD's father. That way, you and your DP can focus on one another when you have a weekend without her, and you can focus on your DD when you have a weekend with her. And perhaps your DP can do some sport or other activity that he enjoys on his own on that weekend in order to leave DD and you together on your own for some girl time.

[NanettaStocker]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your replies so far, it's been really helpful. You're all very lovely.

[ProbablyJustGas]

Just wanted to put my 2p in, and re-iterate about communication. Letting your partner tell you what he means, especially with regards to your DD on their bad days, might be tough sometimes but it will probably go a long way.

I came into my marriage without kids of my own as well, so have had to really wing it with parenting. I haven't always had nice things to say to DH about my DSD. My bad days with her have been over literally nothing, but only in hindsight. At the time, every bad day was a big deal. Being able to say what I meant to DH about DSD at the time on those bad days, without him getting defensive or brushing away my feelings, has meant a lot. Watching him stand up for me and tell DSD point blank that it's not Daddy's House anymore, it's Daddy and PJG's House and PJG is also the boss, has also meant a lot. I wouldn't be able to do this if I felt as though my voice was second-best to a child's.

Your DP may not find a whole lot of support out there for him as a step-parent, so you might have to provide that for him, at least for a little while. DH has to have a lot of patience with me because I don't have too many others to lean on. Family is out - most of mine have never been divorced or remarried, so they rely on child psychology and indicate that my presence probably makes DSD's life worse and not better. Most of DH's family think DSD is always a precious wee lamb and never puts a toe out of line. On some days, DH is literally the only one who will also say, "She was a wee ^&%* today, wasn't she?"

Your DP will never be your DD's dad, so she will probably not ever love your DP the way she loves her daddy. That might be frustrating for your DP if he feels he's making a lot of effort to be a parent, but with time they will probably grow to love and respect each other in their own way.

Okay that was more like £2 than 2p, but hopefully you see what I mean.