Sharing a parent - how to help DD to cope?

[purpleroses]

I'm having trouble juggling being a mum and a stepmum - Me and DP don't live together yet, but spending a lot of time together with the DCs at weekends. All the boys seem fine, but my DD (8) and DP's DD2 (11) both seem to struggle a bit with sharing their parents. My DD gets quite possesive over me whenever I pay attention to the other DCs (comes and sits on my lap, demands to be carried, generally acts like a baby).

This then upsets DP's DD2. Half the weekends its only me, DP and his DCs (as mine are at their dad's) and his DD2 in particular enjoys my company and we get on really well. She's obviously finding it hard to see my DD come and demand my attention and was tearful today after I overruled her on something quite minor in favour of my DD (it was my DD's turn, I was just being fair).

How do you help them to cope with sharing a parent/step parent? I'm unsure whether I should do more with DP's DD in the weekends when I don't have my own, to compensate, or whether to pull back a bit, so there's not so much of a contrast when mine are about? And whether to indulge my DD when she's being babyish or push her to grow up a bit?

[brdgrl]

My instinct is to say not to compensate in either direction

With your own DD: If you act differently towards her when the other kids are around (by babying her more than you would on a 'just you' day, for instance), not only will she simply act up more because she is getting positive reinforcement for it, but she will get the message that there is something to be compensated for, IYSWIM, which actually is counterproductive in that it might make her feel more insecure. Instead, you want her to feel secure that - no matter who else comes along - your bond is the same and you are the same loving mum you have always been. That means the rules don't change. If you don't carry her up to bed during the week, because she is a big 8 year-old girl, then you don't carry her on the weekend - but you also do as you have been and be scrupulously fair, so that you aren't pampering DP's DD as a 'guest'

As for DP's DD, I'd be wary of doing more/paying more attention on the weekends your own is not there, because of the contrast then when your DD is there! But maybe you could build in a couple of activities for just you and DP's DD, prefaced by saying "hey, my DCs won't be with us next weekend, so that gives us a chance to just spend time together, the two of us. what shoudl we do?" That way you are putting it out in the open and acknowledging what she already knows, which is that you are pulled in a lot more directions when your own DCs are there as well.

If it were me, and I may be very wrong - I would not so much want to 'correct' the situation, as make it feel 'natural' and 'normal' for the kids. It might be a clumsy analogy, but I'd think it could be a bit like teaching a baby that even though you leave the room sometimes, you come back, and they learn to trust that and be ok when you leave.

[purpleroses]

Thanks brdgrl - yes I do tend to feel a bit guilty about the time I spend with DP's DCs (potentially twice as many weekend days as I spend with my own) and know that DD, whilst she enjoys all the company, does sometimes struggle with getting less of me, so I do sometimes indulge her for more cuddles, etc than I normally would - or that she'd normally want. Maybe it does reinforce her sense that she deserves special treatment for having to share me with so many others (DP has 4 altogether, though to be fair the older two don't want much attention).

I daren't suggest to DP's DD that we do something together next weekend within earshot of my DD though! Yes it might help her to know that she'll get more attention then - maybe over time she'll just learn that this is the case without needing me to remind her. I feel quite awkward about mentioning anything I've done or might do with DP's DCs in front of my own DCs though. I know I shouldn't feel guilty really but it's hard particularly at the moment when my ex has just had a new baby so is being pretty rubbish at doing anything with my DCs, so they come back saying they've been bored all weekend, and I've been off having fun with someone else's children...

[theredhen]

whilst it's important to try and make things work, don't forget that if push comes to shove your dd only has one mum and she needs to feel secure. Your dsc have a mum of their own.

I think you need to treat all the children the same when you're together but carve out some special time for your kids without dsc, so they know that they haven't lost their mum.

[purpleroses]

DD's had a big tantrum this afternoon, sparked by DP's DS2 (the one that's the same age as her) getting some attention from me - really quite a trivial amount of attention. But she was furious.

So I left DS in charge of cooking and had a chat with her and asked directly if she was finding it hard sharing me with other DCs and she burst into tears saying yes, that was it exactly :( Poor thing has been flying off the handle at small triggers a lot lately, but seemed to help her when I put the words into her mouth. Had quite a long chat about her being my special little girl, etc, and she seemed happier. Maybe I need to confront the heart of the issue a bit more directly in future.

[WinterLover]

purpleroses i have the same thing but with my DSD(6) when my DS was born last year she got very clingy towards me. We used to do quite a lot of things together before DS was born and I think she missed that so I now make sure that every weekend I do something with her, something with her and DS and then we do bits and bobs with DP too. It seems to be working but I do what you've now done and ask her outright.

When we told her I was pregnant, she was excited to be a big sister but she was scared that me and her wouldnt do things anymore, so I had a big warning right from the start.

Could you try to do something just you and her, or you and the two girls when they are there, like a girly night or something??

[purpleroses]

I do do quite a lot of stuff with just her - but she's always been very possesive over me. She accepts sharing me with DS, but not any other children. She and DP's DS2 just seem to HATE each other so much of the time :( It's such as shame as she gets on really well with DP and his DDs, but worries me - how can I make her move in with someone she says emphatically that she hates? I feel we need to sort it out first, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. DP has them all for the morning tomorrow (I'm at work) so I'll see how he gets on.

Girly time together does work - in fact we've been separating the girls and the boys quite a bit in order to maintain the peace - but it's whenever they're not actively engaged in something, DD goes looking for trouble, antagonising DP's DS and gets hit, poked, shut out the room, etc - and comes crying to me. And DP's DS is hopping around feeling pleased with himself because he's upset her. You can see it coming, but I feel at a loss to prevent it happening.... Meanwhile DP's DD2 is getting overlooked so is off in a sulk somewhere.