Mumsnet Talk

Yesterday DSS wouldn't do something I asked, not a big request, just a normal household thing.

I asked him why he had ignored me. He faffed a bit, gave me some flannel about 'forgetting' our house rules and 'not understanding' what I meant. Then he told me he ignored me because he was angry, because if I didn't live with his Dad it would mean his Mum could come back. He also said he knew it wasn't even true, that it was nothing to do with me, but he feels angry with me anyway.

His Dad explained again to him that his Mum made her decision to leave a long time ago and it had nothing to do with me, that they would never get back together whatever anyway, so it is either them apart without me or them apart with me, there will never and would never have been an option of them together.

But I just feel really sad and scared, that it is going to be me who becomes the focus of my DSS' anger, because it is easier for him I guess.

I can see why DSS would prefer it to be my fault, I see his brain ticking away, and it has really freaked me out.

aw, chelen.
i'm sorry. But I think it's marvelous that you can all talk openly like that.

Do you think that counselling would help him? I think small children cannot just 'be angry', they need someone to be angry at. I see the same thing from my stepdaughter - whenever she's stroppy or nasty to me it's because she's missing (not that she probably remembers it) her life with her parents together.

It is great that your partner has been clear with him though and not played Disney Dad (I learnt that term on this board...!)

DSS had the same thing; he believed that if it wasn't for me, DP and exW would get back together - even though DSS doesn't ever remember life when they were together, he has created a fantasy life in which everything was perfect.

DSS has had two sets of counselling sessions with a specialist child counsellor, 6 months apart, of 6 sessions each - the local programme requires a GP referral for children under 13, but DSS GP was fine about it once DP had been to see him.

It has made a HUGE difference - like your DSS, mine recognised that he was angry and unhappy, but didn't know how to deal with it, and counselling has helped him deal with that

Just to add, DSS anger and confusion was so great that at one point, he couldn't even look at me, and would spend entire weekends avoiding any one-to-one interaction with me
Compare that to now, when he is happy to engage in light teasing and even backchats me now and again - we are now having to make sure we don't let him get away with too much because we are so pleased he is comfortable to engage with me!

Hi all, sorry so slow in responding to your replies.

Thanks all. I just can't talk about it all in RL at all, no-one understands.

DSS seems to be back to loving me again just now.

I find the ups and downs so hard to respond to, it's unsettling. I feel so silly being unsettled by the moods of a child but that's how it is.

We do keep debating counselling, I think if it stayed horrid for long we would do it. But every time I despair things go back to normal again. I'm muddled, and really really tired.

perhaps counselling might help while it IS going well? It's often less tiring to talk when you are getting on? We all went for family counselling when things were not at their worst and it helped quite a lot. It's really miserable to realise that stepchildren can be thinking these things, even if we can rationalise and we know that it's not personal, it FEELS personal, doesn't it? DSS's Mum left 6 years ago and he still has these visions of her coming back and life being a bed of roses, which it never was to start with, but he was too small to realise that.