It's Monday, I am reclaiming my house Again.

[W0rmy]

This thread is for me to get off my chest things that niggle me but I cannot say during the weekend.

I care for them, I have for 13 years, I have done everything for them that a mother would, but they are not mine, not my flesh and blood therefore I cannot ignore some of the irritating, thoughtless and selfish things they do. But I cannot speak of these things because they are not mine.

Feel free to join me, step-parents, perhaps it will help you too.

I'll start..

I don't want to listen to them playing the piano for hours on end, - no it doesn't sound good, no it doesn't sound like the opening cords of that Snow Patrol one.

I don't expect anyone to have to prompt them to say thank you for the meals I prepare.

It bothers me that they wake my young children when they come in late.

It bothers me that they sleep in until midday, then wander around the house in bare feet with dirty toenails, and ignore my children.

I don't want to be told by teenagers how to parent my own children - yes I DO read with them everyday thank you for suggesting it, and no they will not be getting an X-Box.

I would like just once for someone to empty or load the dishwasher.

I do not want my house to smell like damp dogs wearing Hugo Boss aftershave.

I do not ever want to find a wank sock again, ever.

[Gooshka]

It's so hard isn't it ... I'm a full time step-parent so it's actually easier now as we all live by the same rules and my SS doesn't annoy me any less or more than my own two do! When my SD moved in aged 14, however, I had a total shock to the system - used tampons left on floor, Hollyoaks on repeat with curtains drawn and empty crisp wrappers on the settee, bedroom a tip, still in pyjamas when I returned from work at 6.30pm (in school holidays). Basically, nothing serious but bloody annoying. I used to just bite my lip as I never felt comfortable addressing it (and her dad was more than willing to sort it - thank god he isn't a Disney dad!). I hated that I couldn't leave my things in the bathroom as she would pinch them (plus rummage through my bedroom and take makeup and clothes!). All normal stuff I suppose but she wasn't my daughter!!! I wasn't used to sharing my hone with 'another woman' as selfish as that seems. Things did get better and we get along fine but I do understand how you feel, it's totally different with my SS as he was 8 when he moved in (6 months older than my own son) so he was young enough to have rules laid down. I'd been in his life since he was 2 so I never felt awkward treating him as my own. It's so hard bring a SM!

[W0rmy]

Ah yes Gooshka, I have rummagers and takers too! I have taken to locking our bedroom door if we have to pop out and leave them there for any time.

I also hide any surplus snacks because if there are 24 packets of crisps then 24 packets will be eaten, if i only leave 10 in the kitchen once they're gone they're gone, - and they do go!

[kaluki]

I am so with you wormy. It is great to have somewhere to vent all those evil thoughts that I can't say out loud at home.
I don't love my SDC. I'm sorry but I don't. They aren't horrible (much) but they just aren't mine. .
So I don't want a 7 year old girl who isn't mine getting in bed with me first thing on a Sunday morning.
I don't want to be constantly hugging her or doing her hair or looking at her clothes or painting nasty glitter stuff on her nails. (I have boys so find all that girly stuff so irritating)
I don't want to have to cook for 6 people and then not even be thanked for it.
I don't want to have to put up with their disgusting table manners or listen to their tantrums when they don't get their own way.
But I love their Dad so I have to put up with all this

[mamalovesmojitos]

Have you all told your partners how you feel? Maybe they need to step in and support you more. It sounds like you all need more space, maybe your dps/dhs are unaware? Would more communication help?

[theredhen]

Ah yes, that beautiful sound when the DSC leave the house on Monday mornings, the sound of peace. I know it well.

I too find girls irritating. I don't want to get up at 7am and be followed around by incessant pink chatter. I want to be grunted at by boys. Much more civilised first thing in the morning!

I get fed up of hearing my DP drawing and opening the curtains in his teenagers rooms because he is incapable of expecting them to do it themselves.

I'm not overly keen on having to ask DSD not to eat three yogurts in one go (one spoon, three open pots) because "everything else takes effort to prepare".

I would really rather not have to pick up towels from the floor EVERY time I go into the bathroom.

I could go on........

[kaluki]

mamalovesmojitos - what a lovely idea, that we could just communicate our feelings to our DH's. In an ideal world we could do this but in reality it would just sound like we don't like their children and who wants to hear that.
If I told my DP every thing that annoys me about his dcs he would be horrified. Similarly if he said to me "I love you but your kids irritate me beyond belief" I would be equally hurt. I find it so much better to keep it in and let it all out on MN.
Theredhen - the difference between girls and boys is immense isn't it. I always thought I wanted a girl till I met SD

[glasscompletelybroken]

We're overwhelmed with girls in our family on all fronts!

I'm used to them but my own were not so girly and were obviously perfect!
I find the constant preening and self-admiration a bit wearing....

[W0rmy]

it would just sound like we don't like their children and who wants to hear that

That's it isn't it? In fact it's not only DH, there are few people in RL that I can comfortably moan to about the DSC, people just don't want to hear a woman complain about someone else's children.

Mums get to moan and complain about their own children and everyone nods knowingly and chuckles along with 'ooh yes mine are like that, i feel your pain' but complain about your stepchildren and you are just being unkind.


But this thread isn't really to ask for answers to solve this problem, it's just to get it off my chest without hurting anyone's feelings or making anyone feel uncomfortable.

[kaluki]

I once made the mistake of posting on the Relationships board about my issues with the stepchildren (under a previous MN name!!).
Well the slating I got actually reduced me to tears.
I was accused of marriage wrecking and being the OW - even though DP was divorced for years before he met me and flamed as a jealous child hating psycopath. Thank goodness a kind sould directed me over here!
That is the attitude you get if you dare to criticise another womans child I'm afraid which is why threads like this are a godsend.

[AngryFeet]

Wow, I know you are venting here but I find this all a bit sad. You have helped raise children for 13 years but don't see them as yours? Just because you didn't give birth to them doesn't mean much to me (people adopt after all). Your attitude towards them must be apparent however you try to hide it. I feel a bit sorry for them all tbh.

[kaluki]

Well AngryFeet that's your opinion and not really helpful to any of us here.
Nobody is talking about adopting kids - that is a different thing altogether.

[W0rmy]

Your attitude towards them must be apparent however you try to hide it. I feel a bit sorry for them all tbh.

unbefuckinglievable

They don't require your sympathy AngryFeet. They know they are cared for and loved, and they know this because that is what I show them in everything I do and have always done for them. They are incredibly well adjusted and are turning into, on the most part, very nice young men, something I am proud to say I am jointly responsible for.


But they are not my children, I haven't adopted them, they already have a mother. Yes I have helped to raise them but the fact of step-parenting is that does not earn me the right to complain about them as if they were my own flesh and blood, - it is just not done, - a fact I have learnt in my 13 years experience, and one which you have just proved by your post.

[W0rmy]

I tell you what, take a look over in "Preteens" and "Teenagers" and see if there are any children over there being complained about that you'd like to feel sorry for.

[therantingBOM]

Ha ha if we're not being told that we're "over-stepping" then we're being told that we have technically adopted them and should treat them as such. Jees.

[W0rmy]

[chelen]

Oh, I was talking about this very problem just yesterday - if I say my toddler is driving me nuts, everyone laughs in comradely support. If I say my DSS is driving me nuts, it seems to make people more nervous.

It is tough isn't it? I'm having a bad old time right now and I hardly ever feel able to talk freely.

[brdgrl]

You have helped raise children for 13 years but don't see them as yours? Just because you didn't give birth to them doesn't mean much to me (people adopt after all). Your attitude towards them must be apparent however you try to hide it. I feel a bit sorry for them all tbh.

Ha ha ha! In my first week here I was told that I couldn't even call myself my SCs stepmother, because after all I am not any kind of "Mother".

Meanwhile- back on Planet Earth...
I don't want to be told by teenagers how to parent my own children - yes I DO read with them everyday thank you for suggesting it, and no they will not be getting an X-Box.
God, yes, THIS. More than anything.

And no, you don't need to be planning DD's birthday party, which incidentally is still five months away, because actually one of the pleasures of being a mum is planning birthday parties.

• I would like to be able to use my own kitchen, without having to first wash all the dirty dishes from your afternoon of baking, then discovering you used all the butter/eggs/essential ingredient or luxury item I had counted on, to make something you have devoured or given away to your friends instead of sharing.
  
  
• I would like to, just once, be able to choose something on the telly and watch it, in relative silence.
  
  
• I would like to be able to ask for help with even the simplest household task, and get it.
  
  

• I would like you to answer the door when someone knocks, if you are sitting ten feet away in front of the telly.
  

- I would like to have a conversation with my husband, over dinner, in my own home, just once.

- I would like you to get out of bed before TWO PM on a weekend.

...they're here every day.

[W0rmy]

Thanks for bringing it back on track there brdgrl

And btw they're here every day - have one of these

[flixy102]

gumby are you a step parent? If you are then surely you'll understand the complexities of step parenting and that, no we don't always like our step children and their behaviour, much like we don't always like our own children's behaviour/attitudes.

I'll come right out and admit it, I've said it before on here that I don't love my step daughter. I care for her a great deal but she has parents who love her, she doesn't need me to do that too.

Like any sort of situation, there are going to be times when you just need to vent because you can't in real life, and we step parents do it here. That doesn't make us bad people, there are lots of other forums out there if you don't like what you read on this one.

[kaluki]

Well I can be honest on here as nobody knows me in RL
Don't get me wrong, I'm not horrible to them, I am kind to them and I care for them and look after them but they aren't my own so no I can't love them as I do my own boys.
I don't expect my exes girlfriend to love my dc either. That's my job!
Teachers, nannies and childminders arent expected to automatically love the kids in their care, but we are expected to unconditionally love kids who often resent us or behave badly or are just spoilt etc...
What is so wrong with coming on here just to let off a bit of steam sometimes?

[W0rmy]

That's just it kaluki, thanks

[brdgrl]

I do love my stepkids. Maybe not the same 'type' of love I feel for my DD, but then, the love I feel for my nephews is different again...I mean, I may not love them "as my own" but I can still love them as family members. I do a lot for them, and sometimes I do more worrying about their future and more looking out for them than their own dad does.

The problem is that I can bitch and moan and even sometimes dislike my other (loved) family members. I can even complain about my DD's behaviour - and she's only a toddler! I could probably even post on mumsnet about a (rhetorical) behavioural problem with one of my nephews, and get sympathetic responses. But any complaint about SCs and I'm a vile uncaring bitch.

I expect teenagers to irritate me. Sorry, I think that's pretty much standard with the territory. But to be irritated day in and day out and be absolutely unable to express that to anyone or ever ask for any change or intercession - it is too much for anyone to live with.

[EverybodyKnows]

ARF at flaming

prettyfly explained it in very clear terms in another thread lately and I shall quote her because well, its just great:

Quote:

What I do not like is

a. The assumption made that a second wife is an ow and is lying or being blind to her partners faults. I live with my partner I know he isnt perfect but I also know he doesnt deserve to be harassed and abused in the way he is and I find it very difficult not to get very angry about that. If his ex was a man she would be arrested and charged with domestic abuse. Its that simple.

b. This is not AIBU. This is step parents, where we discuss very difficult issues in our lives in a way that shouldnt be intrusive to anyone who doesnt want to read it. This is where we vent our spleens, sometimes unpleasantly, about how tough things can be for us and get it out of our system so we can go back to the coal face of resentful kids, and difficult previous relationships, whilst we attempt to balance needs for everyone. We dont go on lone parents and attack first wives (many of us,myself included being a former single parent with my own ex I have to deal with). We dont sit in judgement as a rule although recently I have started to get very irritated with how step mums seem to be viewed on mn - this being the perfect example.

I hope you understand with that in mind when I say I dont however agree with you being here, purely by the looks of it to have a go at women who in the main already have fucking difficult lives that they are trying to negotiate, and venting as a release for that.

We arent doing anyone any harm over here and believe you me most of us get enough shit in our real lives. Please try and let us have this one place to get it off our chests and just be honest as I promise you for so many of us, myself include, this is absolutely the only place we can do. I hope you understand that I am not being a bitch saying that, just protecting something that means a lot to me and a lot of the women on here.

End of quote.