Mumsnet Talk

I will admit, I am furious and could see this coming a mile off.

DH's ex was sacked from her job a while ago. It was a culmination of lots of things. Shagging the married boss and being caught out when he told his wife, then taking too much time off sick and probably other stuff we don't know about. Her Mother is one of the directors of the company and it seems the sacking is legally above board of their part. She has since been on incapacity benefit and has DSS, aged 14, still living at home. DSD has left home and is at uni. Since she was sacked she has mentioned to DH that she has no money is living off £67 a week etc. DH gives her just under £400 a month, not agreed by the CSA, but in line with what they would ask him to pay and he pays extra fairly often for school trips , spending money etc.

Ex wife has fairly recently (since job loss) flown aboard long haul and it seems spend a large amount on Christmas presents and other expensive gifts and treats for the DSC. None of our business, but we did worry where the money was coming from as she has always claimed poverty but bought expensive things and we know she has remortgaged her house at least once.

Anyway, DH spoke to her last night and she told him she had been defaulting on her mortgage. She paid for holiday, presents etc on her credit card, which she obviously also is going to struggle to pay back. Her Mum is going to help with the mortgage this time, but she has told DH how much she is struggling and asked if he could help with some (admittedly minor) expenses for DSS. Obviously we are going to do that, but we are really quite worried for her.

She says that other than maintenance she gets only £67 a week, but surely this can't be right? Wouldn't she still get child tax credits at least? She isn't looking for another job, she has depression and says her counsellor has told her she can't get another job for at least a year. She won't talk to me at all and DH is useless at speaking to people, but we aren't in a position to financially bale her out and not sure we should anyway, but any ideas how we can help?

She will get tax credits yes. Due to illness she can ask to move onto different benefits for those who are ill and seeking work. I claimed that last year. Its not generous but more than normal job seekers. I had to be assessed by a nurse.

The tax credits I received where roughly £200 a week and she can claim for help towards the mortgage too. They pay the interest although she may have to top up. I hope this helps. I would also suggest talking to the credit card companies to pay something rather than nothing...........

She should be getting child tax credit as well as incapacity benefit. The only way she'd end up on something as low as £67 a week would be if she was getting only the tax credits because they had stopped her incapacity benefit saying she was well enough to look for work, but she has said no she isn't and therefore isn't able to get JSA or ESA instead. If this is what's happened she should either appeal or say that she is now able to work and start getting JSA instead.

She should also be able to get the interest paid on her mortgage after a period of time (I think it's 3 months) on benefits. And she should be able to get the credit cards stopped and pay just a minimum amount each month to them whilst she's out of work. If she's not able to sort these things out for herself, she should go and see CAB who can help. You're probably right that you and DP have limited power to make her listen to you but trying to steer her towards someone else who can might be feasible.

I think she is having you on!
She will definitely be on more than £67 a week.
Her irresponsibility with money isn't your problem.
I would concentrate on making sure DS has everything he needs and leave her to her own destruction.

And £400.00 a month maintenance is very generous IMO for one child.
I don't get that much for 2.

I'm sorry, but I always feel baffled when people say that someone else's maintenance is too generous, £400 a month is just right if the CSA calculations deems it so, as the OP has already mentioned.

As a single mum to one child, my experience of unemployment is not exactly that of a benefit heaven: my JSA was only paying £24 per week, I didn't get tax credits because I wasn't working but I did get CB (20.30 a week), and when I ended up all messed up with all the stress of not being able to find a job, my GP offered to sign me off for a couple of weeks which would give me the one and only benefit of not having to go to sign to the job centre once a week.

Depending on the size of a mortgage she has, she might not be eligible to qualify for the mortgage interest being paid for her. I know I wasn't, I however managed to get a small discount on the amount I was paying in council tax.

Midori, I would say that her fiance problems are nothing to do with you and you don't need to feel the need to sort them or help her out. Some people only get to learn about responsibility when they hit rock bottom. Perhaps her suggestion to get help with some minor expenses for the children is not such an outlandish one. I think that's the way forward to help her and she is not asking for more.

finance not fiance...

Thankyou for the replies. I am not sure if she has been to the CAB, but will see how DH feels about suggesting to her this might be helpful if it's not something she's already done.

Piglet, I appreciate her financial problems are nothing to do with us and I don't feel she is being unreasonable to ask for these minor expenses to be paid for DSS. However, going by past behaviour, I suspect that if things carry on the way they are that she will start to ask for more and more money for things for DSS. I don't disagree with paying for things for DSS, obviously, however we aren't on an unlimited budget and I don't see why our DC should go without as we are paying for things for DSS because his Mum isn't budgeting properly.

The solution might be NOT to give more money to her but to buy what the children need instead. I understand your resources are not unlimited but if the expenses are minor... just focus on what the children need.

I used to have a colleague that was equally irresponsible with money, I often thought that the only way to get her to take responsibility was for her family to stop bailing her out and leave her to cope with the consequences of her own actions.

Now, don't let the children suffer for the trouble her mum has got into, it's not their fault.

But just for the record... high level of child maintenance means no access to many benefits, so don't discount the idea that she might be actually getting just £67 a week.