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POSSIBLE QUESTIONS...WWYD?

5 replies

NewYearsDaysie · 19/01/2012 16:31

Following on from my last post..got DSD on Saturday and I just know that the subject of her living with B/SIL is going to come up. Bearing in mind what DH said...do I take the time and explain to her or do I leave it to them? She doesn't open up to anyone else the way she'll talk to me (i sound full of myself) but I don't want to cut off her only adult who she can express herself to. Help...please I'd love opinions on this.

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chelen · 19/01/2012 19:22

Hi, I think you can listen and ask questions and give vague answers, without getting into details. I would suggest even if she says something you think really should have an answer, you don't have to do that straight away, you could reflect. Maybe just use some platitudes like 'it's a lot to be thinking about' and 'I can understand if it's a lot to have on your mind' or whatever.

If she wants to talk to you I don't think you should stop her, but maybe don't go in with your full version til you know what's what?

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brdgrl · 19/01/2012 20:46

I read your other thread and don't envy your position.
I think you should be direct with her and say "I know you have questions about this. Your dad and BIL/SIL are the best people to ask. Let's talk to them."

And then you tell BIL and SIL, directly (not thru your DH, who seems to not be able to handle this or understand her needs, frankly), that DSD is asking questions and needs some answers. I'd even be inclined to, if hat doesn't get quick results, to drive her over there and sit down at the table next to her while she asks them - if they aren't going to answer, let them tell her that to her face, not you.

I don't see what else you can do. You probably shouldn't be the person to have the talk with her - but someone has to.

It sounds like she trusts you - I wouldn't mess with that. She already understands that there are secrets and cover-ups happening, and you don't need to be part of another one. It's not ideal, but if the other adults won't cooperate, you are going to have to say to her "I can't tell you much, but I can listen to your feelings." And then do that.

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NewYearsDaysie · 20/01/2012 05:41

Thanks ladies. The others seem to just flap their hands and have the vapours when they think they have to deal with stuff like this and its always down to me to be the sensible rational one. Sick of it tbh, but she deserves to be listened to at least. I think if I just listen as you say it will at least let her know she's not being ignored until the 3 of them decide its time.

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chelen · 20/01/2012 12:11

Hi, I just wanted to say brdgrl's post seems more realistic and sensible than mine! Mine is really a bit like avoiding the issue, which I guess is what I do here because my DP can pick up the ball. But it is much harder for you because no-one else seems to want to pick up the baton.

I share some of your concerns, altho our situation is simpler, but my DSS keeps trying to talk to his mum about why she is based so far away, why she left the family but she basically blanks him. She says things like 'sorry if you're upset.... anyway, what have you been doing at school?'!!!!

But kids get angry if you don't answer and we can't answer for her, so we feel rather stuck too.

Hope all goes well this weekend.

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NewYearsDaysie · 21/01/2012 09:39

Fingers crossed for this afternoon. Can't believe how chewed up I feel about it. DS asked this morning 'Why is 'DSD' coming this afternoon?' I thought I Kay as well start as I mean to go on and said 'Daddy, you explain' his answer...'coz I'm going to get her'. Ok DS is only 4 but that's how he handles ALL questions including DSD's