From 'Mum's partner' to 'step-Dad', is this ok?

[PiousPrat]

I'll kick off with a confession; I'm not a step parent, I am the RP so I feel a bit of a fraud posting here, but I asked here for some advice on managing the move from long distance to living together and the advent of DS3 (DP's child) and got some wonderfully helpful replies so would like to beg of your collective wisdom again, if I may?

Brief background, DS1&2 are now 11 & 12. I split from their father when they were 3 & 5, was a lone parent for nearly 4 years then met DP when they were 6 & 8. We were long distance for 4.5 years moving in together 6 months ago, just before DS3 was born. The boys speak to their father about 3-4 times a month and see him on average once a year (long distance between us and frankly he is a bit shit and far more interested in the 4 DDs he lives with) and have always called him Dad. DP has always been X, or when asked by others who he was they would say Mums partner.

A couple of days ago DS2 had a load of friends round and DP was mentioned. One of them asked DS1 who he was and DS1 said it was his step dad. A couple of weeks back we were about to head off to MIL's for a visit when DS2's friends called for him and he said he was off to his Gran's. DS2 has also taken to calling DP 'daddyX' when he is wheedling for something or when talking to DS3.

So, to my eventual point. That's ok right? That they have decided off their own backs to call DP their step dad? I have always been wary of attributing labels, partly because we were long distance for so long it seemed daft to say and also because I have a cousin who married a woman with kids, only for her to insist they call him daddy and his mother granny which caused a family rift.

Am I over thinking this? It's either a shorthand thing for ease, that they say step dad because people understand the term and what it entails or it is a nice thing that they want to refer to DP in a way which reflects the influence he has in their lives, right?

Feel free to tell me to knob off for worrying over a petty nothingness too

[cheekychubster]

My DD who is 12 always refers to DH as her Stepdad to her friends but would never call him Dad. She did this even before we married.
I think kids probably think its a much easier way to describe someones title in the family and it does sound better than 'Mums boyfriend'

You are over thinking things which i do all the time!

Anyway, your DP is technically their stepdad.

[UC]

You're overthinking. It sounds lovely and it's happened organically at the instigation of the children. Go with it.

[PandaG]

if they are instigating it, it is lovely. They are describing th erelationship they have with him and his mum.

[Purpleroses]

I'd leave it be, and not worry about it having any bearing on their relationship with their real dad (or lack of it). Most kids have two grannys and two grandads and there's rarely any time that it causes any confusion - because they're not going to see them both at once usually, and it's the same with their two dads in this case. Their real dad can be whatever he is to them, without preventing them forming a close relationship with their step dad and calling him dad at times.

My DD has a friend who has close bonds with both her real dad and her step dad. She calls both of them her dad when she's talking to her friends and uses "daddyX" or "daddyY" if she needs to distinguish for some reason. Noone told her to do this, it just evolved and everyone is happy with it.

[NotaDisneyMum]

My DD was adamant a year ago that my DP was not her proper step-dad because we're not married

A year on, still not married, and he's become her 'step'ish Dad' which DP loves!

The label helps her explain her family dynamic to their friends in terms they are familiar with - and if your DPs like mine, he'll be chuffed-as-nuts that your DCs value him highly enough to give him a label

[NotaDisneyMum]

Oh, and DD has always called DPs parents Grandma X and Granddad Y - it didn't seem appropriate for her to refer to them by their first names; especially as DSS is younger

[ladygagoo]

You are over-thinking it, albeit in a nice way. Your sons will have heard the term a lot at school from other DCs and will be much happier using a known 'label' for your DP than referring to him as mum's BF which is probably a bit embarrassing at their age.
My DSS calls me X but refers to me as his step-mum. We didn't instigate it either, it just evolved from him. Incidentally he started calling my DM 'ladygagoo's mummy' when they first met which is a bit of a mouthful but he soon copied the other grandchildren and just calls her granny now.

[therantingBOM]

Definitely over thinking. They clearly have an attachment to your DP which makes "Mummy's boyfriend" sound plain daft.

Also DaddyX is a nice way to refer to him.

My DD refers to her Dad's girlfriend "stepmum" and she is only there every other weekend. Kids like to attach labels to special people and I think it shows they're comfortable with things.

[chelen]

We were advised to not interfere with what SS wants to call me. It changes. Tonight I am firmly in the chelen camp with no special affection!

[Fooso]

My dsd who has lived with us now for 6 months calls me "half-mum" which I think is kind of sweet. I say "whatever makes you feel happy"...

[ScarlettInSpace]

I have always referred to my mum's partner as my step dad, they never got married but it is what he was really, and at his funeral myself and his daugher both read eulogies.

My 6 yr old SD occasionally refers to me as her 'other mummy' [usually when other people have assumed I am her mum] and this is something she has said entirely independently of any prompting [if OH's ex-witch heard it she'd probably flip but SD is well aware her mother prefers not to hear about me]. Both SC have always used my christian name, although SS is younger so its a toddler version of my name that he hasn't grown out of using yet and very sweet :D

[Bonsoir]

My DSSs have always referred to me as their stepmother (not instigated by anyone, AFAIK) and called me by my first name.

[kaluki]

I think it's lovely that it has come from the dc without prompting and you should go with it. Also the new baby will be their brother or sister so it will make them feel part of the same family.
My dc's dad and my DP have the same name (lets say it is A) so they have Daddy A and Mummy's A
I'm not married to DP but we are referred to by each others kids as their stepmum/stepdad but they call us by our first names.
I think as long as the kids are happy that is the main thing

[MeSugar]

I think it sounds nice. Particularly at that age they need language for these things, and it's good for them to choose something that describes their relationship with your partner rather than your relationship with him. Having easy words (& therefore less self-consciousness) is important for pre/young teens imo.

[WaitingForMe]

The eldest refers to me as his stepmother but calls me by their name for me (an abbreviation of my name that only they use). He started doing it about six months after I started living with them (6 months before I married DH).

It helps that there is the label as he refers to me a lot and people ask him who WaitingForMe is. I refer to my stepbrothers as such although my mum never actually married my late stepdad as it characterises the relationship. When the boys met my brothers we said they were step-uncles in the sense I was a stepmother but it was up to them what they called them. They wanted to call them uncles x, y and z :)

[ChippingInLovesEasterEggs]

Knob off :)

The kids are doing a grand job of working through this - leave them to it!!