Mumsnet Talk

I decided to let this one go, as I know us all step-parents have got to pick our battles – but I wanted to post about it, just to get it off my chest.

Yesterday morning I got some chicken out the freezer, with the intention to cook it for tea last night. Before leaving the house yesterday morning, DH asked what I was planning for tea, I said it was chicken. So absolutely fine, no big deal or drama.

But I arrived home last, to find that DSS (who was with us last night) had requested we have fish and chips, so DH was dutifully heading out to the chippie. Not the greatest trauma in the world, but it made my blood boil that DSS clicks his fingers and DH jumps, and over-rides my decision. I realise this is only trivia, and that only a step-parent would understand my frustration. When I asked DH why he’d over-ridden my plans with a request from DSS, he lamely protested that he also fancied some fish and chips (which I don’t believe for one minute, because he’s been eating really carefully since Christmas, to lose weight).

I doubt that many kids in ’together’ families get to dictate the menu ………

Feel your frustration.

Our house revolves around what ss "fancies". Often we have arranged to get a curry on a saturday night, only for me to discover we're having chinese "because that's what ss fancies".

Its minor, but it is just one more of many little things that make you feel invisible in your own house.

I could write a whole book on my fed upness over ss and dp "play fighting" of a morning, on our bed whilst I am in it, 16 weeks pregnant and naked because "ss likes to do that"

The other morning dp wanted to make dsd 4 some breakfast. A simple task? He spent nearly ten mins and made himself late for work while discussing what she should have. He kept saying "I'm going to be late for work" but still kept debating with her.

Had ds tried the same tactic, he would have been given what I decided if he couldn't make up his mind. No arguing or debating and if he didn't eat it and I knew it was something he would normally eat, there would be a consequence. But that, as far as I'm concerned is normal parenting, but since when has normality got in the way in step families?!

petal not trivial at all, it's incredibly frustrating to be overruled in your own home.

I had written a big long post but it disappeared! Just wanted to say I share the anger you feel, sometimes I feel like I'm 28 years old and still get treated like my opinions don't count.

Disney dad parenting strikes again!

I wrote a big disappearing post too !

You're right - "together" kids don't usually get a choice like this except maybe on birthdays. And yes, in itself, this might be one incident not worth creating a row over but this stuff has a cummulative effect, and it all boils down to a parent petrified to say no.

I wondered if your DP tried to excuse it by suggesting it saved you having to cook ? ..... 'cos that's the sort of lame reasoning my DP would come out with. Notwithstanding the fact that no-one bothered to ask if I "fancied" fish and chips, or considered I might have been looking forward to the chicken, or that cooking up a chicken meal was only convenient on that night, and, that as it'd come out of the freezer if it wasn't cooked then it'd have to be chucked. Hell no .... heaven forbid a stepchild's "fancy" took 2nd place to all those considerations ! It really does make you feel sometimes like an irrelevant member of your own household and personally I find it damn belittling to have my opinions and plans overriden by a child for no good reason except DP being frightened to use the word "no" because the skids have another home they can run off to if they don't get their own way. Anyone who hasn't experienced this year in, year out would probably think we were hysterically overreacting but it infuriates me that our partners are so (often) pathetic when it comes to "small" stuff .... begs the question if something like this isn't worth making a fuss about, then why do they find it so hard to deal with it appropriately ?

I totally hear you

its very very hard

yep, another one here who is annoyed by such 'trivia'!
it is not as bad here as it used to be (which seems to be my constant refrain!)...DSD used to decide what we ate, when we ate it, and what we'd talk about whilst eating. Now she still does the last, but DH and I have a bit more control over the menu.

my chief complaint now is about what we don't eat. DSS doesn't like loads of things - onion, mushroom, egg, chicken on the bone, it goes on and on - and DSD doesn't like anything "too spicy" (which means at all spicy - tough for me as i LOVE spicy food). So we just don't have those things for the most part. I have started just ignoring it on the nights I cook. Of course, lots of the thigs DSS used to claim he didn't like? Turns out he is ok with them after all. But I still object to the idea of just taking stuff off the menu...DH's position is that the kids should not have to eat food they don't like and therefore we should not serve it, whereas I think they get their favourites 90% OF the time and in a family of five, the occasional meal one doesn't love is not that big a deal. If they really can't stomach it, they can have toast or soup, for god's sake. And of course, we eat things I don't care for, frequently, because the kids like it.

We do takeaway night every Thursday. Used to be that DSD chose every time. If I or DSS wanted something else, DH might go to two different places (sometimes on opposite sides of town!) so that DSD could still get her way. I put my foot down on that one finally. (but i still never get my own favourite takeaway, as it is one she refuses to eat so we just never have it. boo.)

Have you never decided to eat one thing and then when it came to it said....."let's have a takeaway!" ?

Petal, I have read your posts for some time. What comes across is, you really object to this young man entirely. There may be good reason for this, I don't know but....why don't you give him....and you, a break? He fancies fish and chips. That's all.

Mrs Dolly, the fact that so many other posters understand my frustration, makes me think I'm not being as unreasonable as you suggest. And it's not actually DSS that I object to, but the way he's (not) parented, and the consequences this has for our household.

Interestingly, DH came home with a bunch of flowers for me tonight. He knew I was annoyed last night, and I took this as a peace offering. I completely believe he knows he's far too soft on DSS, but his fear of losing favour over-rides sensible behaviour.

He may well have fancied fish & chips but he can have them tomorrow surely?

We can't just have what we want exactly when we want it. I would have though that a bit of gratitude and appreciation would be appropriate for Petal who has thought to take something out of the freezer and was planning to cook a lovely meal for everyone!

Have you never decided to eat one thing and then when it came to it said....."let's have a takeaway!" ?

Ah - yes - but this is where "I am the adult, it is my home, and I get to make decisions" comes in.

My DSD once re-arranged the living room furniture. This is not on. When she grows up, moves out, and pays for/looks after a home, she can put the furniture wherever she wants. Ditto to changing my meal plans. And I expect DH to put a stop to such things, not play along and ignore my efforts.

I imagine Petal might have a different response to her DP saying "I know you were planning on making chicken, but I really fancy just getting a takeaway - do you mind?"

GCB and Brdgrl: exactly! I'm pleased other posters get where I'm coming from. In a 'together' family, the adults make the decisions, and you don't go and fetch fish and chips when chicken has been taken out the freezer. But a step child often has the status of an adult, and it's unhealthy.

I feel so relieved reading your post Petal that I am not the only one! DP has 4 DCs who we have most weekends and it is exactly like that, particularly with whatever his DD2 wants. I love them all and they are fantastic kids I feel so petty getting wound up by the fact that at the weekends I really feel I have no control or say over what goes on in my own home. I do my best to ensure that DP can spend as much time as he can with his DCs and will ofter entertain the younger 2 so he can get more 'quality time' with the older 2.

In the grand scheme of things I know I should be grateful as I have a fantastic relationship with all of them but it would be nice not to feel that every weekend is dictated by what they want to do/eat. They are children, DP is the parent therefore they should do as they are asked/told. That's how it worked when I was growing up but so much seems to be a bloody committee vote!!

The comments from other posters on step children having adult status and frustration about being overruled in your own home are bang on the money IMHO.

And don't even get me started on the mess.... after 6 months of training we are getting there and I no longer seem to spend most the weekend running round picking up wet towels/cups/dishes/wet nappies/food from across the entire house! :-)

I totally get it. If I'd got chicken out of the freezer I would be well pissed off it it went to waste because a 'child' had decided he wanted something else instead. That's how pandering parents treat fussy eating toddlers IMHO. I have a 3yo and he eats what I have decided is for dinner. If I let him choose, he would have chocolate instead. As an adult, I plan the meals and he eats accordingly. When he is in charge, he'll be free to do so.

"Have you never decided to eat one thing and then when it came to it said....."let's have a takeaway!" ?

Well of course, but then I buy the food. My money down the drain, my choice.

To be honest if dp said let's have a takeaway after he knew I had got some chicken out, I would say no, state why and not expect to hear anything else, if my own child did it, I'd do the same without thinking.

But if you dare to say no to a step child, then you're obviously an evil witch.

Is mrsdolly a step parent?

Is she is then she must be mother Theresa herself!

If not then toddle off and stop sticking your nose in something you no nothing about, there's a love.

Petal- It's not on.

This is a sneaky form of control.

I have this little sign in my kitchen that say: Today's Menu: Take it or Leave it.

Maybe I should buy you one and send in through the post to you

Petal - it sounds bloody annoying and I would get one of my famous grumps if it happened round here.

Only thing I disagree with is the notion it doesn't happen in traditional families - I know loads of people who let their kids dictate all sorts of stuff. In fact I know a fair few who just open the fridge/freezer and say 'what do you want' and then cook like a short order chef. Not me though, I'm way too miserly!

The thing is - a change of menu is not a big deal, the chicken can be eaten the next day.
The problem - and EverybodyKnows has nailed it - is about control. And your DP not seeing it as subtly undermining you.

I am a step to 3. Two of them a pleasure.......one of them, a complete nightmare I have tried (rather too much, in everyone's opinion) to welcome, accommodate and make peace with.

Now, I have to choose my battles wisely. If I got my knickers in a twist about the change of a menu, I'd not have a leg to stand on, with the "big stuff". I have been undermined by my youngest sd for so long, it's become a way of life, I guess. I'm not a pushover but, if I jumped on everything (and there's sooo much that gets on my wick with sd3) I'd have no credibility when I needed it.

I don't mean to criticise but it seems that Petal just objects to this young man's existence. Harsh maybe, but that's how I'm beginning to "read it" over a long time of reading her posts. The SS will be a big part of her/their lives FOREVER. I'd choose my battles carefully, is all. And yes, it is hard and often soul destroying and frankly, I will give a massive sigh of relief when sd3 goes to Uni not because I'm a wicket woman but because I've had enough.

Flixy102. Please don't take that attitude.

"I don't mean to criticise but it seems that Petal just objects to this young man's existence"

The thing is, if you have read (which you say you have) many of Petal's post, you will know that for quite a while, she has had no real say in what's happening in her own home re. this young man. Petal is having to effectively handle a situation where a 'young man' is behaving/being treated as a young child, ferried from one home to the other, according to a silly rota. In this situation, where one has no say over such a bizarre set of circumstances, and which takes over her life every other weekend, then obviously the small things (that she could easily overlook in a 'normal' situation) build and build due to ongoing resentment of the silly situation.

I don't see it as resentment of her DSS at all, but yes, certainly (and very understandably IMHO), resentment over this ongoing suspension of reality in her household.

Sorry mrsdolly if you felt I had an attitude, it's just that you didn't make if clear from your post if you were a step or not, and sometimes we get flamed from non steps for being evil, child hating women.

I'm still sticking up for the OP tho.

I may have shrugged and said "no big deal if it's a one off"

But then I noticed your name.

You're a saint for putting up with him (your DH)

S'ok flixy.... I personally can't stand my youngest step. I feel awful, guilty, wicked, inadequate as a human being until....I remember how I've been treated over many years, by this (now) young woman.

I've had much empathy and sympathy with Petal02 but it dawned on me with THIS post that maybe, she just simply finds it hard to tolerate him. It's my opinion. I could be wrong, bit I get the impression that if he suddenly got a social life and was just too busy to see them at all, then he'd more tolerable. I'm not judging her, frankly, as I've said, I'll be well 'appy when my youngest sd buggers off to Uni. Full stop!!!

Petal02 I feel your pain! My DP's 4 kids dictate the menu in our house but more so it is because he lets them. Despite the fact that their (useless excuse for a) birth mother feeds them crap and junk food at home, and I personally see that we should try and get some fruit and veg and healthy stuff into them when we can when they're here, my DP says he doesn't get to see his kids as much as he'd like, and would rather spoil them and give them what they want, which I understand to a degree, but don't think is a great attitude for their sake... My DSD is the fussiest child known to man and her list of what she won't eat lengthens every weekend. I once made a lovely homemade cottage pie, and my DP said "DSD won't eat that, she doesn't like mince..."
DSS1 went into hospital that weekend, so I was left with the other three kids, and I was not going to waste my cooking, so I told them it was called Hokey Pokey Pie, and it contained (not mince) but small pieces of beef, and DSD ate it, enjoyed it and went back for seconds...
I don't think these Disney Dads panderings do the children any good...