step daughter...well sort of!

[overitalready]

Hi,

Im new here & after some advice if possibly please?

So, been with OH for 2 years now..i have one DD who is 8 & he has 2 kids, well i say kids! He has 1 DD of 19 & 1 DS of 22.

The DS and i have no issues, hes a lovely boy & welcome anytime however is the DD i have the issue with!

I meet the DD over a year ago & that was the 1st & only time! Let me start from the beginning..

Me & OH werent living together at this point however we decided it was best 10 months into us being together that the time was right for me & DD daughter to meet. DD was spoken to by OH about this & declared she also thought it was the right time etc etc. The date was arranged & OH went to pick her up, once back @ OHs home she walked through the door already with a face like thunder, she sat down i tried to chat..she ignored. My DD also tried on numerous occasions to talk to her & also ignored. I went to hang the washing out before we went out & heard her saying to OH she wanted to go home..after 10 minutes of being there

we had agreed (her included) that we would go bowling so off we went, i got in the back of MY car so she could sit in the front again conversation going nowwhere fast at this point

we got to the bowling alley where she then stated 'i aint bowling' i asked her if she wanted to do something else, ignored again! by then i had begun to loose any patience i had, however i kept my cool & carried on

me, oh & my DD bowled whilst she sat on her iphone & being damn right rude to not only me & my DD but also to OH. I tried again x4 & each time she ignored me, i waited till the game had finished & as we were walking out of the bowling alley i told OH to take me & DD home.

He took us home & texted to say how sorry he was & that he would deal with it, picked us back up later that day & said he had spoken to her..she had cried & said she didnt know what to say to me (erm how about an answer to my 31345 questions?!) she didnt want to talk to my DD as she doesnt know what to say to kids (doesnt know how to say hello?!) the shock overtook her of how young i look (im 28 & OH is 45)..

anyway to cut a long story short i have never seen her since then, we have moved in together & she has never been to the house when i am there..partly down to me saying no to be honest

when OH goes to see her it will be on Sat when i am at work or a Sun when i simply refuse to go..

the time before last when she was at our house (i was at work, however can feel my bloody boiling at the thought of her being in my home) she told OH she was over it & she'd done alot of growing up since then..

however this is the 19 year old girl that spend the whole week before xmas crying down the phone to her daddy (yes she calls him daddy) that she wanted him to spend xmas day at home with her mum, her & DSS..he refused of course, this is the 19 year old girl who still calls him daddy, this is the 19 year old girl that will only ring him / arrange to see him if she wants something, stamps her feet & cries when she doesnt get her own way..i cannot see where she has grown up?!

for xmas this year both DSS & DSD come to our house for boxing day, i swopped swifts so i could work a 15 hour day to ensure i wasnt there, i arranged for my DD to be at my mums so she wouldnt be put in the position of being ignored by DSD.

OH had agreed to only spend £100 each on them for xmas, however when she realised that it would not be a car in that case the tantrum that followed was unreal!

OH had brought her a designer handbag however it wasnt the right one therefore she didnt 'fucking' want it, regardless of the fact i'd spent 3 hours trying to find that on the internet!! and no mention of me or DD in her xmas card, designed from moonpig with DADDY on the front!! grrrrrr...!!!

now this all came to a head last night in a row between me & my OH..he states i should be over it by now & i think hes right however i just cant seem to? I feel my blood boiling everytime i think of her!!

sorry its so long & thats for getting this far!!

[catsmother]

Blimey .... how on earth can you be "over it" when "it" is still very much going on. Getting over something is moving on when something past has been resolved in some fashion, even if not entirely satisfactorily, so long as all parties concerned are making some sort of effort.

This spoilt brat who is supposed to be an adult has been appallingly rude. I'm a very shy person myself which might sometimes mean I get tongue tied but of course I'd reply to polite questions. The bag thing is disgusting too, and she was clearly rude to her dad too on that occasion. BTW, I hope she didn't actually get to walk off with the "fucking" bag after that performance ?!

Am not quite sure what your OH wants from you here ? Does he anticipate more social occasions which he imagines will run smoothly ? Hmmm .... maybe you should call his bluff. Calmly state that she's behaved very rudely but in the interests of keeping the peace you'll agree to another attempt at getting on (though you made every effort previously by the sound of it). Suggest a meal or whatever. But then tell him that if she quite literally ignores both you and DD again he will have to face up to the fact that his daughter's got no manners at all and furthermore, he should confront her about it and ask what the hell's going on. This would include spelling out to her that there's absolutely nothing stopping her answering your questions even if she can't begin a conversation herself. I'd also, personally, want him to tear a strip off her because at 19 there's no excuse for that attitude but somehow, reading between the lines - the "daddy" stuff, the fact he wants to sweep all this under the carpet - I suspect that's unlikely. And if she behaves as she did before, I'd also want an apology from her ..... and it should be OH's job to tell her this, though I appreciate a forced apology isn't worth much and nor can you force a 19 year old to say sorry .... it'd be more about OH expressing his disappointment in her and getting real. In your shoes, I'd want to feel that he recognised her poor behaviour and acted upon it ..... e.g. not doing any "daddy" favours when she calls and when she demanded to know why, telling her that her attitude didn't warrant it.

[overitalready]

oh thank god for that! someone who doesnt think im in the wrong! i fully expected to be shot down!!

when i state she is an adult, i get 'she maybe but she'll always be my daughter' which i understand to a certain extend..however if my DD ever ever ever acted in such a manner, well she wouldnt act like that being the point..

oh of course she got the bag! daddy would never take it away from here!! she did ring him the next day to say sorry and that even though he'd said he was only spending £100 she didnt think he was serious & fully expected a car!! oh she cant drive, hasnt done any lessons yet either!! LOL!

he wants us to get on, states that she is over it now & sorry for her behaviour towards me..of course i havent heard that from her mouth, only his..

there havent really been any chances for us to meet again because as soon as he says hes seeing her i make other arrangements so im not there..

i know how upset he is by all this & i dont want to hurt him which i know it does when he sees me & DD running for the hills!!

when it was brought up yesterday in the row his words were 'is she going to be judged by this forever?' and maybe hes right? maybe i should move on? problem is i dont know how to stop the anger!!

ur right were you state @ 19 theres no excuse, none what so ever. she didnt even give me a chance to find out if she actully liked me! just decided on the spot she didnt!!

the daddy thing makes me feel sick to my somach i have to say..

[catsmother]

I think, because you're older, and if nothing else to prove a point, that you're going to have to grit your teeth and be around next time she is. Then the proof of the pudding will be in how she acts. If she's better/different this time then great, though personally I'd still be cautious and reserve judgement until she'd well and truly proved she knew how to be civil ..... and if not, well, then you'd have every right to judge ! When your OH accuses you of holding a grudge I'd reply quite calmly that until you see otherwise, her immature rudeness is the only thing you have to judge her on so far so what other conclusion are you supposed to come to ? Him saying she's sorry wouldn't cut any ice with me either, I'd want to see it for myself .... but then you're going to have to steel yourself for a meet and hope he's right.

[Smum99]

How long has your dp been divorced from her mother? She is clearly jealous of you and your dd and worried that you will replace her. However that doesn't excuse her poor behaviour - she needs to learn to discuss her emotions constructively.

Your dp has to realise he needs to parent her - this isn't personal, I suspect she would act like this with any other partner.

He has to acknowledge that his daughter has issues with him moving on (nothing to do with you) and jointly you have to find a way to deal with it. Some level of reassurance is positive and it's kind that you give him and her space however if after reassurance she is still acting poorly towards you then he needs to put in place boundaries. i.e if she is rude he needs to speak to her immediately and tell her he's disappointed in her.

Life as a step parent isn't easy - step daughters do seem to be more difficult as they perceive rivalry for dads affections.

[overitalready]

@ catsmother,

i appreciate you replying, your post makes alot of sense..and as you say the proof is in the pudding & the only way im really gonna know if hes right is by trying again..thanks for your help x

@ Smum99,

again thanks for replying. They have been divorced a year & split up 3 years ago, before i was on the scene of course & OH has had no-one in between that time.

My OH does acknowledge that the 1st meeting was almost def down to her being jealous but i went out of the way to make sure me & OH didnt really interact, no touching or anything..

as said above i think the best best is to rise above it & try again..

thank you both for your help & advice, appreciated xx

[AmberLeaf]

Difficult.

A huge part of this IMO is how your DP deals with this, I think that he really should have 'called' her on her behavior after the first meeting and dealt with it properly ie getting across to her that her behavior was totally unacceptable and wouldnt be tolerated.

I agree with everything smum99 says, especially the part about it not being personal to you. she clearly has jealousy issues which are really nothing to do with you personally.

I can understand you feeling Peed off with her as you clearly set out to be friendly, also I too would be very annoyed at her being rude to my daughter if I were you.

The only thing id say in her 'defence' for want of a better expression is regarding this;

the daddy thing makes me feel sick to my somach i have to say

I think you need to let that one go TBH, my mum and her sister [both in their 60s!] still refer to their [now deceased] father as 'Daddy', I have friends that call their fathers 'Papa', everyone has different terms none are wrong, they are just personal to each family.

I dont think you and your DD should have been included on the 'Daddy' xmas card, but she should have given seperate ones for you two [assuming you gave one to her?]

Why does it make you feel 'sick to your stomach' though?

[RabidEchidna]

I think you should either ban her from your home or make sure you are there and make her feel unwelcome. She sounds vile

[overitalready]

@ Amberleaf,

Again i appreciate your response

in OHs mind he has dealt with it in the best way he knows how, i think its now more me with the issue? maybe its because i didnt & havent had an apology? i have to be honest and say i just dont like her..or i dont like the girl i saw the 1st time..

and your right about being peed off she was rude to me DD..again maybe jealousy?

i think the daddy thing @ 19 is to much! however this is just my opinion & it does turn my stomach..My DD doesnt even call me mummy anymore! just mum now!

really? now oh got her a daughter card & me & my dd were both included in that? and no i didnt get a seperate card..

again appreciate your response, food for thought xx


@ Rabid,

thanks for reply..

Belive me both have these options have crossed my mind more than once however dont want to see my OH hurting even more than he already is xx

[AmberLeaf]

She does sound jealous TBH.

i think the daddy thing @ 19 is to much! however this is just my opinion & it does turn my stomach..My DD doesnt even call me mummy anymore! just mum now

Horses for courses!

But im interested in why it turns your stomach? I will hazard a guess that its possibly because you feel its wrong/innappropriate for an adult woman to call a man Daddy? that thought conures up father/daughter sex fantasies which I agree would be wrong and stomach turning, but this isnt any adult woman, its your DPs child albeit a grown up one. so it isnt innapropriate, it may not be what you would do but that doesnt make it wrong.

If thats what the issue you have with it relates to, I think you need to find a way to get past that as I think it would be bringing a whole dimension to the problem that isnt necessary, doesnt actually exist and so would be impossible to resolve.

[brdgrl]

I am going to give you a different sort of reply. Before I say this though, I want to assure you that I am not having a go at all. I've posted a bit here about my own DSD and the issues I have had with her, and there is a lot I can relate to in your post, so I understand where you are coming from re: rudeness and manipulation!

Having said that - I wonder if you aren't holding too much of a grudge. Not that you aren't entitled to, as she wss indeed very rude, and does sound liek she has her 'princess'moments even still! But if you want things to be different and better, it might be time to take a different stance and offer a clean slate.

I'll respond to a few things in your OP-

anyway to cut a long story short i have never seen her since then, we have moved in together & she has never been to the house when i am there..partly down to me saying no to be honest

when OH goes to see her it will be on Sat when i am at work or a Sun when i simply refuse to go..

This seems to me like you are the one who is currently refusing to interact. Again - not blaming you or having a go - but she has said that she has grown up some and is 'over it', and I think your best bet is to give her a chance to demonstrate that. By refusing to have her in 'your' house or refusing to see her, you are actually preventing things from being "normalised" - i think you started from a generous place, and you understandably wanted her to like and accept you, and she threw it in your face, and now you are hurt. (I've been there!!!) So what you wanted, once, was probably for her to accept you as DH's partner. But now you are refusing to allow her to see you in that role. Let her come over, make an effort to see her - and when you do see her, keep clear, natural, friendly boundaries. Don't take the back seat! - but don't refuse to ride with her, either, IYSWIM. By deliberately avoiding her at Christmas, for instance, you missed both a chance for her to act properly and try to redeem herself and a chance to show her that you and DH are a united front.

You say you can't see evidence of her having grown up, and again, I agree that she sounds a bit childish, etc - but at the same time, you have only met her once, so it isn't really possible for you to see. She sounds kinda awful, having tantrums over not getting things, etc - but part of the problem with being a stepmum is that it takes time to see the good in the SCs and we don't have the memories of them as sweet little babies to get us through the 'awfuls'. I really think you have to give her more chances than just one highly emotional and highly disasterous meeting, especially since it does not sound like she is currently aiming her awfuls at you - rather, she has indicated that she's aware that she needed to grow up some and that she handled it badly. I'd really say - try to be magnanimous and reach out to her. Don't let her walk all over you, and don't let your DH allow her to disrespect you - but create some opportunities for things to go differently.


..he states i should be over it by now & i think hes right however i just cant seem to? I feel my blood boiling everytime i think of her!!

Yes, this is the problem, I think. You are justifiably angry, and in a situation where you are just NOT going to get the kind of resolution you might from someone else who had been rude or wronged you. And letting go of those feelings of rage and dislike can be very difficult, but I am afraid you have to or your relationship is really going to suffer horribly. And they won't get better by avoiding her. Give it another try?

[overitalready]

Conures up father / daughter fantasys?! where did that come from?! erm no as i said theres no need for it @ 19 in MY opinion..no not everyones, just mine!

She is an adult woman, an adult..!

you might not find it innapropriate but i do..as i said different opinions..would be a boring world if we all agreed!

appreciated as always xx

[overitalready]

wow brdgrl..

ive just read ur post over & over & i just want to say thanks 1st off!

ur right i am holding a grudge 100%..thats the bit im struggling with, how to get over that?

and again ur right its me refusing to see her again, would she do it? yes proberly..does she want to? proberly not..but it think she would

and again ur right the longer its left the worse its going to get..

i love this man with all my heart & i think for his sake if nothing else i owe him to try again..

your post has really hit home & im grateful for your response..so nice to be able to talk to someone about it who sees where im coming from without the arguing / screaming match!

thanks again xxx

[brdgrl]

To be honest, if I can add this - I think it's a bit unfair to make an issue of her coming to the house. If I were your DH, I would not be tolerating that - she's his daughter, and as long as she is willing to observe some basic house rules, she should feel she's welcome to visit in your and Dh's shared home.

I'd say something completely different if she were actively disrespecting you in your home; openly hurting your daughter; or refusing to follow reasonable house rules. And if you give her multiple opportunities, with an open mind, and she does violate house rules or disrepect you, than that wight be different. But she hasn't, yet. To make her feel uncomfortable visiting her dad in his home is disproportionate with the behaviour you describe. In my opinion, anyway. Mostly, though, I just don't think it is going to help you to be happy, y'know?

[brdgrl]

oops, sorry, cross-posted!

I'm glad I didn't offend you - I really do see where you are coming from.

[overitalready]

ops yep cross post!

she is welcome here now, i really did struggle with it to start with but as u say i had to see how OH would feel so i now leave rather than banning it..

but your right its 'our' house so shes fully entitled to be here..x

[brdgrl]

My DSD was nice to me the first time we met, but as time went by and she realised that her dad and I were getting serious, she started to be really vile. I felt so hurt - after all, I didn't go into it wanting to dislike a teenage girl! I wanted her to like me, and I wanted to like her. But the nastier she was to me, the harder it was to see anything to like in her.

Three years on, I see lots more to like in her now. But I still struggle; I'd like to feel closer to her and I'd like not to get so annoyed and to think teh worst of her sometimes - but the history is there. A bit easier in my case maybe, since she was younger when we met it is easier to tell myself "well, she was just a kid" (she was 13 when we met)...at your DH's daughter's age we think she shoudl know better and act better...but she sounds pretty immature.

[AmberLeaf]

Conures up father / daughter fantasys?! where did that come from

TBH it comes from you saying it 'sickens' you!

Im struggling to see why it would?

I accept you wouldnt do it but I dont understand the strong reaction to it of it sickening you?

If its nothing like what ive suggested then it sounds a bit like you may in fact be a bit jealous of her relationship with your DP.

[brdgrl]

Just speaking for myself, I find an adult woman calling her father "daddy" on a regular basis, a bit distasteful.

It may not be rational, and certainly it is at least partly a matter of cultural forces. In the particular circumstances in which I grew up, it just wasn't the way an adult would talk about or to her father. In other parts of the country, or in other ethnic groups, it would have been totally different.

I find it distasteful, as to me it evokes images of a woman who 'plays' at being a little girl, used to getting her way by being 'sweet' to men. A fair assumption? Probably not. But I understand the OP's aversion to it. Especially as it is accompanied by some very spoilt, entitled sort of behaviour.

My DSD has mostly grown out (at 16) of calling DH "daddy", but she does use it when a) she wants something from him, and b) she is feeling very upset and in need of being treated like a little girl. I'm pretty much not bothered by it now, though, because to be honest there have been enough larger issues that at this point it just doesn't register on the scale in the same way!

[flixy102]

I call my dad 'daddy' all the time and I'm 28!!! Lol.
I have to admit I still feel a bit of resentment towards my DSD sometimes (at having to 'share' my DH with her), which sounds really mean as she's a great kid (young woman!) but it's the truth!
Although your SD is 19, unfortunately your still expected to be the 'grown up' in all this which isn't really fair but I think maybe you should try and make a bit of an effort with her, then if it still isn't working, take a step back and let your DP take charge. She is, afterall his daughter and her behaviour sounds really disgusting-just remember that its most likely not a personal thing against you, she probably would be this vile to any woman her father was in a relationship with.
It's really not easy but I definitely would get your DP on her case to try to put up a united front.
I wish u lots of luck (and patience!!)

[MrsDollyLevi]

I think the two of you got off to a very bad start. The "planned" first meeting may have made it too much of an event, for this immature young woman. She is jealous of you and your daughters position and so soon (and it IS soon in her young mind) after her parent's divorce, she may harbour secret hopes of a reconciliation hence, her wanting to do Christmas all together, without your involvement. It is childish but not out of the remit of a "childish" 19yr old.

I think you simply have to grit your teeth and try again. If, as others have said, there's no improvement, then your dh must step up and have a conversation along the lines of reinforcing that he loves her, she's very important in his life, he has to move on post divorce and you are his choice. that whilst you two may not be close, he expects certain levels of acceptable behaviour and rudeness won't be tolerated. If you continue to leave your home when she visits, my guess is, after a while you'll resent that they are "fine" conducting their relationship without you and you have been dis included altogether. If you and dh are to have any relationship that works, it simply HAS to involve his daughter but, she has to do her bit too.

As for me.....my eldest step at 23 is and always has been delightful. My SS at 22 is ok with me..... He is usually polite and will (now) converse with me but, it's been strained, in the past. My youngest sd at 18 is dreadful. She too went "off" me when it became obvious after 4 yrs that a) I would move in to her dads home and b) marry him. Her parents had split up and divorced after her mums affair, some 5 years previously. Sd still harboured thoughts of reconciliation, detests me because I exist ( and am loved by her dad) and frankly, we haven't seen hide nor hair of her for 5 months now. She has mostly ignored me, screeched at me, been consistently resentful but, I have genuinely welcomed her, made excuses for her and held out the olive branch at times when frankly, I wanted to tell her to go away and leave me the f**k alone. Because I have always tried my best, my dh now supports me. He is sad not to see her, his youngest child but knows that she must apologise for her dreadful behaviour and be civil to his wife (me).

You must keep trying. It's hard. If not, your relationship with your partner will suffer.

Her calling him "daddy" ? A clear indication shed like him to support her unconditionally as you would a 10yr old. She is immature.

[missduff]

Personally I think you need to grow up a bit yourself. Yes she is out of order in the way that she has behaved, she was rude but it was only the once, you haven't even given her another chance.

You're supposed to be the adult in all this but it sounds like you're behaving like a petulant teenager yourself.

It's quite normal for a child/teenager to be jealous of their dad spending time with another woman but it sounds like you're also jealous of her.

And of course she isn't going to include you on a card when she has only met you once, she has no relationship with you.

How can it make your blood boil that she has been in 'your' home? Surely it is HIS house? How would you feel if your DP said he didn't want your dd there?

Sorry to say it but I think you need to be the bigger person in all this, you need to invite her round for lunch and ask if you can have a fresh start.
After all she's not really done that much wrong, she's not said nasty things about you, just ignored you. Yes she does sound like a spilt brat but that is probably more the fault of her parents.

Look at how your DP is with your own dd, he lets her live with him every day of the year and I'm sure he must help you out, support you emotionally, reassure you in the decisions you make etc etc, is it really too much for you to tollerate his dd for a few hours a week?

[SoupDragon]

Hmmm... so you've had one meeting with her, over a year ago, and on the basis of this have refused to have her in the house and deliberately avoided her since than? Honestly, she appears to have been rude on one occasion and you have been rude on many more occasions since then by deliberately avoiding her. IMO both of you have behaved rather childishly.

Can you arrange to meet her on neutral territory for, say, a coffee and say "Look, we've got off to a bad start here. Why don't we try again?".

Good luck!

[overitalready]

Thanks again for your words brdgrl..all make sense! i wish i could word what im trying to say like you do!

@ Flixy 102,

Again all that youve said makes perfect sense to me & i have made the 1st move by asking my OH to arrange for us to all go out to lunch together, if she wants to of course..so fingers crossed!

@ Mrs Dolly Levi,

Wow i thought i'd had it hard! and of course i know your right that she does HAVE to be included..i cant keep my head in the sand any longer!

@ Miss Duff,

Your right reading back on my post i do come across as needing to grow up..ive never had to deal with anything like this however your right & i agree..although i wouldnt quite go as far as stating a petulant teenager!

r.e the card - i am always included in cards for her bday or xmas & no i was not included in her xmas card to her 'daddy' so although we have no relationship it wouldnt have hurt..

because it is MY home, MY home that i brought with MY hard earned money, where my DD was brought home that day she was born, where me & my DD are meant to feel both safe & comfortable..however with her there we dont. So yes i stand by my blood boiling comment.

and i also agree with your spoilt brat comment being her parents fault, this is correct.

My oh LETS my DD live with him?! No my DD is 8 years of age, oh moved into her home..his choice & one im very glad he made.

As i said above after posting on here i have now extended the olive branch so to speak & oh will be asking her to come for lunch

@ Soupdragon,

yep just the one meeting with her..and yep i have deliberately gone out of my way not see her

and yep ur right childish i have been!!

Everything everyone has said makes sense, ive taken it all on board & as ive said extended the olive branch so we'll see what happens!!

thanks all xx

[catsmother]

Let us know what happens !

[brdgrl]

yes, do let us know how it goes. i hope the lunch happens and goes well. good luck!