I know this sounds awful but anybody wish OH saw stepkids less?

[missduff]

DP has 2 kids from his previous marriage and I've got 1, we just found out last week that we are expecting our own baby, we're very excited
I love his kids, they're lovely children and he is the most amazing dad.
But I'm worried about how it's going to work when baby comes along. When I had DS I was on my own so I could do as much or as little as I pleased, it was lovely n laid back n quite chilled out. But this time there's going to be 4 kids in the house at times n I'm not sure if i want that every single weekend. He has them overnight 2 nights a week plus sees them 2 other nights a week, i I'm worried he's not got enough time for our baby and my house is small, it's going to be so stressful having 3 kids + baby here every single weekend.
Before I was pregnant I always had the attitude of 'the more the merrier' but right now I just want an easy life.
I feel so bad for feeling like this, I know a lot of it is just my hormones. But I know I will want some time just me, DP and our baby but with his work patterns and the times that he has the kids we will only get 1 Sunday a month just us.
I know I am being totally unreasonable and I can't really discuss it with DP as I know it'll sound like I'm a total bitch, but at the moment I feel like I just want him to myself.
Anybody else felt like this? Any advise other than to pull myself together?

[lisad123]

Well put shoe on other foot. What would your reaction be if he said he wanted you to spend less time with your ds? They are his kids, you knew about them before you married him AND they don't live with you. I think if you have them at weekends that's good, your have all week with just you and him and your LOs.

[colditz]

Why don't you go away for the weekend once a month, to your parents or something, and take your ds with you?

he hasn't really got enough time for enother baby, but that was a choice you made, you knew about the children before you stopped contraception. It's his fourth baby and unfortunately, in any family the fourth baby doesn't get much attention.

[yellowraincoat]

I suppose it's understandable, but presumably you knew he had kids when you took up with him, and if you didn't think through the implications of that, it's you own fault really.

I personally would find it hard to go out with someone who had kids for this same reason.

Saying something would be pretty horrible, if you ask me.

[Catsdontcare]

I'm afraid you'll just have to suck it up. It would be wrong to say anything

[Memoo]

Yabu. You choose to be with a man who has kids so that's the way it is.

[missduff]

I know I can't say anything, I don't expect things to change, I just wish circumstances were different.
Yes it's the fourth baby but it's out first together so for that reason it's special.
Im hoping it's just the hormones and I'll get my head round it once they've settled down.
I did know full well what I was getting in to when we stopped using contraception but I didn't feel like this then, it feels like I've been possessed by the spirit of an evil step mum!
I'm just worrying about everything at the moment, about how the kids will react, whether he'll ever be home before baby is in bed cos most nights he's taking kids to football/dancing/horse riding etc etc, whether he'll love our baby as much as his other 2, whether his parents wil spoil our baby as much they do his current too. All the usual irrational fears u have when you're pregnant.

[michglas]

You can't just expect him to chuck away his kids and replace them with a baby. Imagine in a few years if you split up, what your reaction would be if he tried to chuck yours and his child away to replace them with a new family.

[SilentBoob]

Oh dear.

No, you don't get to have your happy little "you, dh and your baby" times because you will have four children. No more will I get to have special time pretending our third child is our only child when it is born next year - it would be bloody odd to want to.

[craftyknickers]

YABU you decided to be with a man withn children.

How would you feel if your ex didn't want to see your DC1 because of his 'new family'?

I hope it's just hormones and I hope you realise you are BU.

[itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas]

Loads of people are a family of six

It will be fine

He'll have enough love for all of you, and so will you

[missduff]

Can I just clarify something, I don't and never will expect him to see less of his children, I just wish that things were different.
I know that how I feel is unreasonable and u reiterate that this is a totally new feeling that I have never felt for 2 years but in the last couple of days I've started thinking 'gosh it would be so much easier if....'
I'm sure I can't be the first woman to ever feel like this.
Anybody watch friends? When Rachel tells Ross that she wants him there at her constant beckon call? I feel like Rachel at the mo.

[feedthegoatsletthemknowitsxmas]

Hopefully you've just opened your mouth before engaging brain there, because frankly, if you didn't want 4 children in the house then you shouldn't have had a baby with someone who already had one.

Maybe you would be prepared to remedy this by not bothering to have your 2 dc there instead? Because if you think that is unreasonable, then surely you have to see your idea is too.

[craftyknickers]

Your not the first no but it doesn't mean it's ok.

Some men rarely see their kids some not at all so it amazes me when you find a man who does and their partner has an issue with it.

You are all one family and his DC's should see him just as much as yours.

I understand you are feeling fragile during your pregnancy but you need to see that he has more than just you in his life.

[Liluri]

There is nothing wrong with venting your feelings here.
You've stated that you know that you're being unreasonable, and that you won't say anything to your DH.
Perhaps once your new baby arrives and you see how easily he or she fits into your family of six, you'll feel less concerned.
It is natural to be wary/anxious of change - and I'm sure no-one is expecting you to be Supermum.
Once your newborrn arrives take to your room, snuggle your new baby, and let them all run around after you for a while.
Big brothers and sisters can be extremely useful

[missduff]

Thanks liluri that's exactly what I needed to hear,
You are right, it is just fear, things are going to be the complete opposite to how they were when it was just me and DS so at the mo I'm struggling to see what it'll be like and whether I will cope. As amazing as DP is most of the household stuff e

[missduff]

Will fall on my shoulders n it's just daunting.
Ur right I can just take me n baby to bedroom if it all gets to much, it's just the first couple of months that I'm worried about, when ur soooo exhausted n just wanna do nothing.
And yes I'm sure his 6 year old daughter will be very eager to help, she's already a big help with my DS.

[samwellsbutt]

hi missduff my dp has 3 and i have 3 and we are soon to have our respective 4th. i sometimes worry that i just cant ever be the same. but i have had 3 already and know what a boon older siblings are everyone is very excited and if you look it the positives of the situation you will feel a lot better.
i to have a partner that loves his children and i also see that as a positive because we all know that a lot of fathers dont take much interest in their children, it gives me comfort to know that our baby will be just as important to him.
have to ask if this was originally in sp because i am surprised at some of these responses?

[Enfyshedd]

Hi missduff. I can definitely sympathise with you. I'm currently 18wks with my first but DP already has 2 DSs which he has custody of. Have recently been very a bit grumpy with DSS1 who's 13. Just put my foot in it because this year it's DSSs' turn to be with their mother and DSS1 called around after going to his mates house. For the last few months, DSS1 has come over to our house every Saturday that he's supposed be at his mothers for the whole day asking if he can come in with his mate to play on his Xbox for the afternoon (boys spend 1 night one weekend, 2 nights next weekend with her). I just wanted one day by myself with DP with no children aroundfor probably the last time in the next 20 years, so I wasn't that overjoyed to see him. In fact, if I'd been slightly more awake (been dozing on sofa with DP), I probably would have chucked something at him when he asked if he could open his presents there & then (answer ended up being, "No, you can wait until tomorrow like your brother and anyway, they aren't wrapped yet").

But, I know it was my decision to get pregnant and I can't take out all my grumpiness on my DSSs (hyperactive 5y/o DSS2 is a handful in his own way as well). Just have to work around it.

[missduff]

sam yes it was originally posted in step parenting, yes I was a little surprised by the initial responses.

My feelings are just all over the place at the mo, I've just had a lovely time at DP's parents house with our 3 kids n at the mo I'm thinking 'yes this is great, I can't wait till its 4'.
But then I just found out that he had breakfast with the kids, ex wife n all her family in their marital home (which he still pays for). He told me he was having breakfast with his mum n dad. So when I've just found out the truth it's made my blood boil, and it's times like that that make me think it would be so much easier if they weren't around.
It wouldn't have bothered me before I was pregnant but now that I am I don't want him anywhere near his ex! I know he doesn't love her or even like her but it just really bothers me.

I did talk to him last night about some of my fears, that I worry he's not got enough time for new baby n that I worry he won't love it as much as the other 2 n that I worry he's gonna make even more of a fuss over the older 2 as I think he'll prob feel guilty. He assured me that I've got nothing to worry about n everything will be fine

[sammyjole]

I can understand exactly where you are coming from OP, I dont see why others find it so hard. There are times when it would be nice to be put first, like when you have a baby with someone, unfortunately when you are with someone who already has children they dont seem able to do that either out of guilt at having more children when previous kids now come from broken home or whatever....yes it is our fault for getting with men who already have kids, I stupidly didn't realise what I was getting into as I'd never been with someone in this situation before. In some ways I'm glad we dont live together as I've stil managed to have some quiet times with new baby....then again when we didn't see him at all because it was his access weekend and I was exhausted from little one I cant say I was too impressed! Also I can sympathise with your hurt and anger at him spending time with ex there is no need for it and it is disrespectful to you but probably unlikely to get any better once your new baby comes along unless you talk to him and make it quite clear you will not stand for it. Maybe my situation is different from yours as I have actualy started to come to the conclusion that my DP and I dont actualy love each other and he is only putting up for the sake of our LO, I'm thinking in our case we might be happier all round if we seperate. I hope for your sake your relationship is stronger than that but if not I guess we've learnt something! lol and atleast you know he'll be a good Dad, personally I want someone who's there for me too tho.

[theredhen]

Sounds to me like the biggest issue you have is with your dp lying to you.

[weevilswobble]

There are lots of positives too! Lots of doting older siblings mean so many more to keep baby amused when you are desperate for a nap! So much love for the new little one! You'll have time alone when they are at school or at Mums and extra hands when they are there. Dont think of them as a burden, try to see them as a blessing! You'll have a lovely fun family! Try to see the positives. You are also older and wiser and life becomes richer and more fulfilling as we have fuller and busier lives. Dig down for those reserves and positivity and resourcefulness that are hiding. You'll be fine.

[missduff]

At the moment we don't live together 100% of the time either, I have my own house with DS and he spends his time here apart from when he has his kids, then he stays at his mum and dad's with them.
But I've made it quite clear that the situation has got to change before baby comes, I want us to be a proper family and that means that I will not stand for it being me, DS and baby at my house n him n his 2 kids at his mum and dad's.
Luckily he's in agreement. I think my main issue is that how things are now and how things will be in 8 months are so far removed that its difficult to believe that it will actually happen, but he assures me that it will.
He is a very decent man and he doesn't make a habit of lying to me. I don't and never will expect him to put me before his kids but I would just like to feel that he treats me with the same importance, especially now that I'm carrying his baby.
Our relationship was wonderful until finding out about the pregnancy but now I'm having strops about everything and sometimes being a bit of a cow, I know I need to sort it out as I'm not sure how much more of it our relationship can take of it.

[nearlytoolate]

So where will his dc stay when the baby arrives? If they are going to be with you, don't you think that's something you need to start now rather than when the baby comes? Otherwise all th older kids are going to have a lot to cope with at once, if they don't already view each other as step siblings. How old are all the other kids? How long have you been with your dp? Is he divorced, or never married? I don't know, it seems like you are still two separate families at the moment, I'd be worried too in you situation. Why did your dp separate from the mother of his other children?

[nearlytoolate]

Plus you don't know whether he is in the habit of seeing his other family in his former home. Is the split still quite new?