My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice.

Step-parenting

To be just fuming with my DP over his dd and his ex!

10 replies

lastroseofsummer · 21/12/2011 20:29

Sorry but Im just fuming at the minute. Just got back with dp - we dated for about 2 years, then split (i had a disasterous relationship with another guy which ended quite recently). DP has been asking me to give things another go for a while and I decided I would.

Anyway to get down to it his ex is driving me crazy. DP has a lovely teenage daughter (14) she is an average teenager, loves music, clothes, toiletries, makeup etc etc and in an effort to make her feel special this christmas (she has had a hard time with exams etc) I have gone out and spent about £100 on presents for her, £50 in cash to her to spend as she sees fit and another £50 which I have spent myself on little bits of makeup and pj's perfume etc. I have always kept in touch with his DD and actually had her to the cinema etc even when her dad and I were split so I have a very good relationship with her.

I am very careful to always be very positive about her dad and mum, told her it can be very difficult to be a parent etc etc but they must be good parents as she is so lovely!.

DP called his ex to discuss christmas generally, ie was anything else needed for DD, he told her that I had given DD cash for herself and also bought presents etc for her - Ex gets very snotty and says "yes Im aware she has given her money" and starts asking what has been bought and carrying on about "doubling up on presents" etc etc to which DP answers well it doesnt matter if she does as she can use it in my house. Ex basically says "whatever" and rang off.

I checked with DP regarding cash to his daughter - her grandparents do it also - but I wanted to be sure.

I dont know why his has annoyed me as over the years I havent retaliated at all to anything his ex has done or said to me but for her to be so obnoxious about her DD has actually bothered me a great deal. DP is anxious to smooth things over and has just said "ignore it" - basically what he has always said to avoid any animosity no matter what the ex has done. I stood up this time and said "no" I will not have my actions and good nature towards you dd disrespected - you should have challenged her about that and said "lastrose was generous enough to set aside money for dd so dont be obnoxious regarding it".

Its like the last straw. We broke up previously over his lack of a spine when it came to his ex - when I agreed to try again I made it clear to him that this had to stop (they guy I dated whilst myself and dp werent together had similar issues with his ex and a million issues of his own so Im reluctant to go back into anything that is so stressful again!).

feel horrible!!

OP posts:
Report
Scoundrel · 21/12/2011 20:31

Why is this in the adoptions area? You haven't adopted her she still has both her parents in her life.

Try the step parenting area.

Report
lastroseofsummer · 21/12/2011 20:32

sorry wrong area to post in.

OP posts:
Report
orangeLFDThead · 21/12/2011 20:39

How is his ex money wise? If you have spent more on her dd than she is able to, rightly or wrongly I can imagine that upsetting her.

Report
lastroseofsummer · 21/12/2011 20:45

she seems fairly ok, havent heard any complaints DP gives agreed amount of cash plus extra. She normally would be the sort to let you know straight away if she is in any difficulty, ie myself and DP arrived to pick his DD up once around 30 minutes late - this was because I had broken my wrist and was in hospital having it set - she went into a fury - even though DP had called and explained - said it upset her shopping day etc etc. She has often collected DD late and DP says nothing "why rock the boat etc etc".

Im just fuming about it as I feel she is now going to start to use her DD to try and cause more difficulties. She is a 14 year old girl, she doesnt need the hassle and neither do i!!

OP posts:
Report
NatashaBee · 21/12/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missduff · 23/12/2011 08:09

Maybe in future presents should be joint from you and DP so then ex shouldn't have such an issue with it?

Report
DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 08:44

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Report
MrsBradleyCooper · 23/12/2011 08:58

Agree with Doesntchristmas.

I understand how you must feel after having gone to all that trouble, but trust me, it could be sooooo much worse. This is a drop in the ocean compared to what some poor sods have to deal with on the step parenting board.
I get this every year, as well as being called evil, fat, manipulative, gold digger, jealous - and the list goes on. Not to mention everything else that goes on for the rest of the year Angry.
But it's water off a ducks back to me now, I just "expect" what's going to happen and it normally does!!

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, just trying to say don't worry too much about how the mother is feeling (if this is the first she's been like this then sounds like you've had one of the good ones!), just concentrate on DSD and how she feels.

Fwiw £100 does seem quite an excessive amount to come from just you - agree that maybe it could be joint pressie from her dad and you?

Report
MJinSparklyStockings · 23/12/2011 10:37

Dont worry about it and ignore, mrscooper is right, much as I dont like to disregard your experience, try walking a mile in out shoes (as in mine DHs and DSDs), I would do what ever you like but honestly.

I stopped expecting DH to be able to control the behaviour of his ex years and years ago, he cant control it and there is no point in him trying to and your DP can control his ex either.

If you love him and he loves you then you need to forget about her, DSD is 14 and you only have 4 years of this. Only you can decide that though, it sounds to me like their (DP and ex) relationship is already fraught.

Look at at this way, I have brought up one of my DSCs for 6 years and been a regular part of the others life for 7 years, she wouldnt even dare mention that I had brought her a present at home.

Report
MJinSparklyStockings · 23/12/2011 10:41

As an aside re your relationship, being a step parent is bloody hard work a lot of the time and you need to be really strong as a couple to survive it!!!!

I absolutely adore my husband and he has done nothing wrong, he an amazing husband, a kind gentle and loving man and an adoring daddy, he underpins my life and I love him so much, but tbh, if I had known what I know now, even I am not sure I would have become a step parent under such hostile circumstances.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.