Having second thoughts. Am I walking into a disney situation?

[MrsDexHolland]

Been together around 2 years, met each others kids after 8 months. He has a 14 year old DD who lives with him and rarely sees her mother and I have a 13 year old DS who lives with me. We have been out all together on a few occasions and it has gone relatively well but there is always that part of him that seems terrified of upsetting his DD to the point where she just seems to walk all over him. Example of this was he had a house inspection last week and kept telling me her room was a disgrace and he was going to see to it that it got cleaned - half an hour later he sent her a text message whilst she was at school saying "Hi xx don't suppose you'd mind getting the bus home tonight so I can get on with cleaning the house? I'll tidy your bedroom for you if you do :-) xxxx" The school is a 10 minutes away on bus or a 25 minute walk yet he arranges his days like this so he can taxi her there and back. It's like the roles are reversed, she's the adult and he's the child creeping for things he wants frightened to death he will get in trouble! anyway she sent a message back saying "I suppose so but you're cleaning my ENTIRE room and I want it done before I get home" so he replied "ok hehe xxxxx" ???

Like I say there are a few examples, too many to list here really but another thing is she controls their TV, he has to record all his stuff and watch it when she's out. I saw a message he sent to her once saying "will you be out around 9pm?" and she text back "no, why?" so he replied "the new series of bones is on, do you have homework or anything?" she she replied "no you'll have to record it" so he sent back a message saying "aww booo"

She dropped her laptop and completely broke it last month so he raced out the same day and bought her a brand new one on his credit card costing £500. He said it was an early christmas present and she would only be getting stocking fillers at christmas. Since then he's bought her a new smart phone costing £150 and a new camera costing nearly £100.

It's absolute madness. When we're all together she seems like a normal teenager and we do all get on but their home life seems so back to front. I've heard of spousification and this reminds me of it. The reason I am making this "my" business is because he wants us all to move in together. Am I right in thinking I would be walking into a Disney situation?

[MrsDexHolland]

Oh and another thing is that he buys us the same clothes! He bought me a jumper and came out with 2 identical. I asked why he'd bought 2 and he said he liked it so much he got his DD one. Isn't it a bit wierd for us to be wearing the same clothes? I couldn't imagine him and DS wearing the same clothes!

I suppose the jumper isn't too weird but he's done it with nightwear and even underwear before now. Bought me 3 knickers from La Sensa and then decided to get his DD the same ones (with the exception of one). They wern't raunchy or anything but it's still a bit odd isn't it? this is what I mean by spousification, it's seems there roles are a little confused. Would us all living together rectify this or would she just fight harder to keep this role?

[Hassledge]

I think it would be bloody hard to move into that sort of set up. It does sound like the balance of power has completely shifted, and it can't actually be doing the DD any good at all. But at this stage you won't be able to change the status quo - you'd just have to tolerate it. Could you tolerate it, without exploding? Or without judging your DP, and finding him wanting?

You're very sensible to be wary. How much do you feel the need to move in together - are you happy enough as you are?

[Hassledge]

Just seen your second post - yes, the clothes thing is weird and yes, she'll fight harder to keep her place. Why wouldn't she? Most 14 year olds do think the world revolves around them - she's not going to be actively seeking to change things, and she'll be resistant to change.

[MrsDexHolland]

I'm finding it harder and harder to tolerate. It annoys me to see him being treated like a child BY a child but as you say, I can't say anything or do anything about it. Even when we're together just me and him he goes off texting her in private and it reminds me of someone having an affair. I also find it a bit off putting to be honest, its hard to respect a 6ft man who is frightened to death of a 14 year old girl. I don't feel the need to move in together as such but if there is no progression with this, what's the point?

[andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee]

Um... Yeah. Weird. Especially the underwear thing.

[happymole]

Have you posted about this issue before MrsDexHolland?

[MrsDexHolland]

Just about the underwear thing, they were not sexy type things (feeling bad making him sound like a perv!) They were cartooney type things, one said something like grumpy pants and the other said grumpy but gorgeous. A bit childish for a 30 year old woman I know and probably more suited to teens but then why didn't he just buy her them and me something more 'adult'. Buying the same is odd.

[Hassledge]

I think if you're unhappy about how things are now then you're going to be one hell of a lot more unhappy 6 months down the line - and that will affect your DS, however much you try not to let it.

Re what's the point if there's no progression - well you presumably love him, you enjoy his company, you're having fun together - isn't that enough of a point? Does there have to be progression?

[BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave]

Yes that is very odd.

I wouldn't move in as he either will start being a proper parent (unlikely) and there will be a massive fallout OR it will carry on as it is now and that will be just as bad.

To be honest, it sounds a bit creepy. I am sure he's lovely, but he's going to be like that with her forever and I know I couldn't hack it if I was in your shoes.

[Hassledge]

I don't think so, Reality.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Which room would your DS have and which room would his DD have if you all moved in together?

It's not a Disney situation - more like a nightmare. He needs to sort this before you move in together.

Of course you can say something - you can say what you have said in your posts. Perfectly reasonable.

[stuffthenonsense]

Oooh having been in a similar situation, and 'progressed' i can tell you it will not likely get easier, his DD will almost certainly challenge both your authority and your relationship if you move in....my 'D'SD (she despises my very existence) left for uni soon after i moved in but it put a massive strain on our relationship, one which we have overcome but it has left deep scars on us and left me very insecure.
Is there any way you can continue with the relationship as is until she is off to uni or whatever? (It doesnt eliminate the situation but at least its not 24/7)
If you move into his home YOU will be expected to fit in, if they move into yours will you DP expect/insist on her respecting your wishes too? The best is possibly a new start together with a ew house and family 'contracts' that both children have to adhere to.

[Purpleroses]

I'd find it very odd if DP bought the same clothes for me and his 14 year old DD. Even if they weren't sexy clothes - just seems to suggest he's not differentiating enough between you.

[theredhen]

I am exactly the same size as my teenage step daughter and I get so fed up with dp making comments on how I can borrow his daughters clothes when she's not here. He says it as a joke and is trying to complement me but it is like he wants me to be 15, which is creepy. If he purposely bought me the same clothes I'd be really cross.

Sounds like your dp is V insecure in his relationship with dd and feels he is leaving her out by not buying her anything like some parents buy siblings presents when its their other Childs birthday.

An only child to a single parent invariably does have a V close relationship with the parent they live with and it must be very hard to be the outsider and it will naturally throw up feelings of jealousy in you. That is normal.

You need to talk to him about it because it won't get any better if you move in.

[brdgrl]

yep, your instincts are right. based on my own very similar experience...its a lot more than your DP being a bit indulgent or insecure. i would also guess that it is not about you being jealous of their closeness (although brace yourself - because you are going to hear that!) - more that you want proper roles in the relationship and in the household if you are going to share a home.

I went through very similar things with my now-DH and DSD; if you look at my previous posts you will see that things are lots better for us now, but it has been very, VERY tough and still is difficult because of the spousification of DSD (and I will tell you - spousification is very real and it is very destructive to ALL the relationships in the home! in our case, it was not just unhealthy for me and DH, or for DH and DSD, but also affected the other children in the home badly, as DSD was treated differently and allowed into adult conversations and decisions and given a weird role that made her very bossy and over-involved in the other kids' lives, and caused resentment with DSS who still feels very sidelined)...

the clothes thing is very telling. like purpleroses said - he's not differentiating enough between you. i'd think long and hard and ask yourself- is he treating her enough like his child, and you enough like his partner? or do you and his DD both occupy some middle ground? because it goes both ways, too - a man who has become accustomed to 'partnering up' with a child/teen, may have some trouble readjusting to treating her like a child AND with treating his partner like an adult. my DH slips sometimes and starts talking to me like i am the teenager, and it is infuriating. think too about how this will affect life for your own kid who I gather you parent quite differently...

[brdgrl]

"The best is possibly a new start together with a ew house and family 'contracts' that both children have to adhere to."
absolutely agree with both - new house, and contracts! we did this, and even so things were hard - but without a 'clean slate' and new territory and very clear house rules - there is NO WAY we would have survived moving in together!

[weevilswobble]

Is his easily controllable personality one of the things you like about him? He sounds easy going and eager to please.

[weevilswobble]

I have 2DSS, who i never see. I would not be able to live with them. I sympathise with the StepC issue btw!

[Eliza22]

Oh God. Walk. Right now.....for your own sanity and your son.

[therantingBOM]

I'm afraid she is his wife, there is no room for you

The underwear thing is very, very weird.

[kaluki]

Listen to those alarm bells.
I wish I had.
I'm now sitting alone in my room because DSS and DSD are being so utterly foul that I can't be in the same room as them.
I love my DP dearly but he is a Disney dad and can't won't discipline them, so they rule the roost while they are here.
They go home on Sunday, thank God, and I put up with it for a quiet life.
You would have the problem 24 hours a day so you should listen to your gut feeling here