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Step-parenting

Step/Half Brothers

5 replies

littlejosh · 12/12/2011 11:50

Hello

Ive posted on here as its about step families.

Background: SS #1 (19) SS#2 (16) S#3 (3). Each s has a different mum and Im s#3?s mum.

Im after some advice/feedback on the following:

Last weekend dss#1 popped down to see us before Christmas (with his gfriend), to catch up and say hello etc. We were asked mid-week and over that weekend my husband worked and had other commitments in the evening (this was all explained to dss#1), Who was fine and not bothered.

DSS#1 said he was going to visit his brother (DSS#2), who lives nearby, shortly after he arrived. He asked me if we had told his brother he would be here, which we had'nt, this is my question:

Should his dad (my husband) be telling dss#2 that his brother is coming down or should we follow his ss#1 lead and let him work out who he is going to visit and make his own arrangements?

If this all sounds cryptic it isn?t meant to, I?m just trying to get it onto paper, so it makes sense.

I don?t believe the brothers regularly speak to each other, and that they probably only comment on each other?s fb updates. I guess Im really asking at this age do you let step/half siblings maintain their own relationships and get on with it or should we encourage them to maintain contact with one another...and tell one brother what the other brothers plans are?

Thank you

OP posts:
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MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 18:22

If he is speaking to him and it comes up in general conversation yes, but I wouldnt go out of my way to tell DSS that DSD is visiting.

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brdgrl · 13/12/2011 02:17

I don't have step-siblings myself, but have never liked it when my mum gets 'involved' in trying to organise my visits with my (grown!) siblings when I come to town. She means well, but isn't always aware of small tensions or our other plans - and even when I have already actually made plans to see y sister, my mother getting involved often just complicates things!

Even though one of your SS is still a child of 16, I think he and the 19 year-old are probably old enough to work these things out just between them. I would not suggest remaining deliberately quiet, of course, and I think you can certainly encourage them to have visits and a good relationship, by saying things like "oh, I bet SS2 would love to see you!", or making yourself available to give lifts if needed, that sort of thing - without having to be pushingthem together or keeping a social calendar. If they are fb friends, then they certainly know how to get in touch with one another.

You coudl also facilitate things by inviting them both to see the whole family including their other half-sibling when SS1 is in town - host a dinner or brunch. They might appreciate that in the long run, if it keeps up the ties without them having to reach out.

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littlejosh · 13/12/2011 11:38

Thankyou, I felt the right thing was too step back (at this age). Hopefully visits in the future will be better planned so we can do dinners etc.Smile

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chelen · 13/12/2011 12:58

Hi, only thing I would add is I come from a rather miserable family. One of the worst things is when one of us goes to M&D's it's like the other isn't allowed to go. So if DSS1 is visiting say next month, and you speak to DDS2, you could say 'oh, DSS1 is coming, do let us know if the two of you want to get together here while he's visiting, but I;ll leave you two to make the arrangements yourselves'. I don't think you need (or should) to take any responsibility for it but just make everyone feel they can come if they like?

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ConstanceNoring · 14/12/2011 16:04

I can see this sort of thing happening in my situation actually. DSS1 is 18 and off to university in September, I can see that he may come back and visit us and not necessarily leave time or have the inclination to visit his brother - which of course he would rather him not know that he'd been as he wouldn't deliberately upset him.

I think treat him as an adult, it's up to him whether he has time for him or not, but perhaps you could casually ask who else he's visiting which would serve to prompt him to see his brother, and would allow you to know what he intends to do or not as the case may be.

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