Not sure where to put this - child bereavement/step parent - how would you deal with this?

[MrsS01]

Been seeing bf for 1 yr, his wife died 4 years ago when his DD was 6. His DD likes me but has recently said she thinks I'm trying to replace her mum and she doesn't want us to get married - we're not engaged and are not rushing into anything. It took me by surprise as I thought we were going okay, it was recently the anniversary of her mum's death so I expect she was upset and thinking about things. I told her I could never replace her mum and I wouldn't expect her to call me mum, all I could do would be to be there if she wants/needs me. She seems to want me there as she's always asking when I'm going round and wants me to be there earlier! How can I help her? I don't know where to go round less so she has more daddy time, although I only go over once or twice a week and sometimes thats in the evening as she's going to bed.

[brdgrl]

I am married to a widower who has two kids. My DSS was just-turned 11 when we first got together and my DSD was almost 13. They liked me ok, but had very different responses; DSD really resisted me being part of the family, whereas DSS was more like you describe - asked for me, wanted me around, came to me for comfort, talked to me.

I think you have said the right thing so far. You can't allow her to feel that she is in control of your relationship with your DP - that is not good for the relationship but also very bad for her. So - and you haven't - don't make any promises about not getting married, or about talking to her first, etc, etc....Just keep repeating what you have said - "I care about you, I want to be in your life but I'll never replace your mum."

It is very tricky, because I would guess that she quite wants you to play a mothering role in some ways. My DSS certainly did. But it is hard for them, I think, not to feel guilty about that. We know we will never replace their mums, and they know that, but it is OK for a new relationship to develop. With DSS (and DSD too, actually), there is sometimes a pull inside - you can see it - "is it ok for me to like this woman, or am i being disloyal to my mum?" So in a way, I would bet that your DP's DD is worrying as much about her own positive feelings towards you as she is about you 'trying to replace' her mum.

Time will work it out. Just keep your boundaries clear with her, and let her know what you expect from her. My feeling towards my stepkids is that I want to love them and 'mother' them as much as they are comfortable with. That has changed over time, and I expect it will continue to change - sometimes it even changes form one day to the next! So it is hard and I mess up sometimes, but I try to be consistent and be there for them when they want it, but not push. And not to make them feel responsible for whether I come or go in their lives.

hope that helps. you sound like you really care and want to get it right.

[brdgrl]

also- thinking about her age - she, like my DSS, might be afraid because she is losing her memories of her mum. my DSS gets very upset about that - he was so young when his mum died, and he is aware that he does not have as many memories as his sister, and it hurts him.
does your DP talk to his DD much about her mum? does DD talk about her much spontaneously? allowing her to share and reinforce her memories in a healthy way might relieve some of her anxiety.

[madam52]

No resl experience of this so no advice I'm afraid but just to say what a lovely sensitive caring lady you sound - and we stepmums often get a bad press. I am sure you will work it all out over time as you obviously care enough to put the time and effort in to do so. All the best to you all.

[HarrietJones]

I think it's also an age when children become aware of families and compare to other people's families. Both my dds went through issues around divorce at this age despite me having divorced xh when they were babies