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Step-parenting

What happens about contact visits when DSC are unwell?

42 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 24/11/2011 08:41

It is DSS weekend with us; he comes to us after school every other Thursday until Monday morning, as court ordered.

DP has just had a text from DSS mum saying DSS is too ill to go to school - and so he should pick DSS up from home at the time school finishes.

What do other people do in this situation? I'm concerned that if DSS is so unwell as to stay off school, then he needs to be at home, with his Mum. He's certainly not going to gain the benefit that the court ordered contact was put in place to provide, he's likely to be really miserable Sad

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Dingdongmessily · 24/11/2011 08:55

I think both parents should share looking after their sick children.

So if it's the Dad's time he should look after his children, I don't think you can cherry-pick.

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Petal02 · 24/11/2011 08:55

I can only comment on what happens at our house - but if SS is rostered to be with us, then he gets sent to us, no matter what his state of health. We've have situations before where the ex (who doesn't work) will send him to us on a Thurs night, knowing he's too ill to be at school on Friday. In which case DH then has to take Friday off work (even though the ex is at home watching Judge Judy) or SS has to stay at our house on his own.

Another one of those situations where the complying with the rota over-rides common sense.

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EMS23 · 24/11/2011 09:41

We always Have my DSS when he's sick as my DH doesn't work do it saves my DSS's mum taking time off work, which is difficult for her.
I should imagine that if my DH worked but it was our weekend or midweek night, we'd go ahead as normal.
How old is your DSC?

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NotaDisneyMum · 24/11/2011 09:56

He's a young eight - I'm just worried he's going to be really unhappy; his mum has previously reinforced the message to him that this isn't 'home' (just somewhere he visits) and he's been in counselling earlier this year because he's 'overheard' his mum being mean about me - i don't really understand why she would be happy with me caring for DSS when he's poorly?

He was hospitalised quite a bit when he was a toddler - so there's always the chance that it could become more than a childhood bug Sad

Oh well, I can only do my best, I suppose - hopefully, he'll improve during today so I'm not trying to console a sobbing sick child during the night who just wants his mum!

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theredhen · 24/11/2011 10:08

I think it depends on circumstances. If one parent is able to look after a sick child and the other has to work, then surely that parent should look after the child. If the child is contagious, then they should stay put where they are. If one parent lives a car drive away, if they're ill enough to be off school, they are surely too ill to be dragged around in a car? And ultimately if the kids want to be with their Mum (or Dad), then shouldn't that be a consideration too?

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Petal02 · 24/11/2011 10:09

If I was ill as a child, I just wanted to be at home with Mum. Being sent to Dads would have made me really miserable.

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EMS23 · 24/11/2011 10:20

At 8 he should be able to state a preference I guess but to be honest, my DSS and I have really bonded when he's been unwell as I was able to provide that maternal presence!
I'd be inclined to have your DSS as normal but if he really wants to go back to his mum, leave the option open for him.

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Ticktock1 · 24/11/2011 12:03

We had this a few weeks ago. DSD had an ear infection and we were not allowed to have her, even though it was our weekend to have her from friday to monday. She was allowed to come over for a few hours in the afternoons because the EX wanted a break but she wasn't allowed to stay over. I don't see why both parents can't look after their sick child, my DP would have been happy to care for his ill child but was refused. I don't understand why its always mums who get to decide. My DP then got texts and emails from the EX saying he didn't help enough over the two weeks DSD was sick and she felt like she was all alone. I think if its your time to have your SC, then I would have them.

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NotaDisneyMum · 24/11/2011 13:05

Ticktock - in our case, 'mum' has been awarded residency, and the CO states that she is responsible for day-to-day care of the DSC, hence, she gets to make all those decisions.

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Purpleroses · 24/11/2011 16:13

I think normally you should have him. Court order's contact isn't just about giving him fun times with Dad, it's about allowing his dad to share in all parts of his parenting, including when he's not well. You'd be supportin his mother's claims that your place isn't really home if you suggested he didn't come because he's not well.

Only reason not to would be if ex doesn't work and your DP does, and he's still too ill for school tomorrow, in which case she should surely expect to look after her sick child in the day tomorrow?

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talie101 · 24/11/2011 20:40

What's the matter with people?!! Stuff contact, access rights, court orders, and who says what! Let's be adult and sensible. If the ill child says they are feeling well enough to travel to the other parents house, then they should be allowed to go. If they really feel grotty and not up to any travelling then they should be allowed to stay home. Surely they are the same as adults? Would you want to be dragged away from your bed or the sofa when you feel sick, dizzy etc and placed in a moving vehicle however short the distance just to feel ill in another house?!! - it would be the last place I'd want to be and make me feel ten times worse :(

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Bislev · 24/11/2011 21:10

I agree totally Talie.

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mrswoodentop · 24/11/2011 21:17

Not sure why you will be up comforting and caring for him ,surely his father should be doing that

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NotaDisneyMum · 25/11/2011 14:30

If all everyone involved behaved like adults and put DCs needs first, there wouldn't have been a need for a Court Order!

Asking DSS his opinion/feelings results in the response 'I'll do whatever Mum says'; he fears her anger/displeasure should he express a contrary view Sad

He has gone to school today; SO has arranged to pick him up, but his mum didn't have any alternative childcare today, so I wonder if he would have benefited from an extra day off.

I'll just have to disengage from the situation, I think - leave DP to deal with DSS if he's distressed and unwell Sad

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NotaDisneyMum · 25/11/2011 14:34

mrswoodentop - it's refreshing not to be told to 'treat DSS as my own' - I've always assumed that leaving DSC's care to their Dad is somehow a failure in me; and MN has reinforced that feeling at times!

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ballstoit · 25/11/2011 14:40

My ex-H doesn't have the DC if either he or they are ill. He would just refuse to come if I told him they were off school poorly. Sadly this doesn't extend to him taking over if I'm not well Grin

Having said that, I think that whoever's 'day' it is should have the DC, and if the child's ill then they should have to deal with it. I also think it should be the child's parent who has the main responsibility for caring for them, with the support of their partner if that's available. You shouldn't be mainly getting up to deal with your DP/H's child if they are ill, although of course if it's an all night sickness bug then taking turns is nice.

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allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 14:55


as for "Court order's contact isn't just about giving him fun times with Dad, it's about allowing his dad to share in all parts of his parenting, including when he's not well"

Erm...sorry but you're completely wrong there. The purpose of a court order is all about the child's right to time with the non-resident parent. Nothing to do with parents' rights to anything. Not about making sure both get the downs as well as the ups.

Personally when I'm ill the last thing I want to do is to have to get ready and leave the house to go anywhere. It would be particularly annoying to have to do this so one parent felt the other was getting his/her share of the 'hard' times.
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Bislev · 25/11/2011 15:02

There's no way I would whip dd out of bed and ship her off to her Dad's if she were ill and it was "his" time to have her.

I would also have been the one to deal with dsd if she was ever ill when she was with us, and I don't see what's wrong with that. I couldn't have sat back and let xh deal with it, I'd have wanted to look after her.

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theredhen · 25/11/2011 15:27

Bislev, that's just how I see it but some ex's really seem to care about punishing their ex more than caring for their kids. Hmm

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ballstoit · 25/11/2011 15:45

Bislev what about if your DD gets ill when she's at her Dad's? Are you quite happy to leave her there to be cared for by her Dad?

I think it's a pretty poor reflection on the Dad's ability to care for his child if his partner, who is not the child's parent, feels they have to step in to care for the child whether they are ill or not.

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Petal02 · 25/11/2011 15:52

Redhen, I agree with you. My DH's ex's priority is always to cause maximum grief for DH, irrespective of what's best for SS. I'm sure she'd scrape SS off his death bed if necessary, just to ensure he was despatched to his Dad's as per the rota. And she wouldn't mind who (if anyone) were looking after SS during his illness, just so long as he was off her hands. We even had one occasion when SS had to go up to A&E on a Thursday afternoon (he'd hurt himself at school ) and then she literally abandoned him up there, as once the clock strikes 4pm on Thursday, we're on DH's "watch", and the ex abdicates all responsibility for parenting. We just got a phone call from SS, saying could we collect him from the hospital has his Mum had taken him up there and then gone back home! I often wonder what sort of emergency it would take, for the ex to re-engage with any aspect of parenting during an access weekend ......

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Bislev · 25/11/2011 15:59

Yes, I would, as long as he/she were happy. She did come home after her last stay when she'd felt ill, saying that she prefers being here if she's ill because Dad just says "go to sleep" and I make her hot chocolate.

And I totally agree, there's no reason why he couldn't look after either of them, but it was just something I was better at and something he didn't really put much thought into. And it wasn't a case of having to step in, I wanted to do it - I wanted to make sure she was ok and wanted to make her feel better, just as I would with my own dd. I would have done my bit regardless of how well he looked after her.

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ballstoit · 25/11/2011 16:01

My priority is not punishing my ex. However, nor is it to bend over backwards to make his and his girlfriend's life easier. There is no reason why he can't come to my house and care for my DC when one of them is ill (he has all contact here as he has 'no room' for them at his new home), but he chooses not to as 'kids need their Mum when they're ill'.

I would probably have a little more sympathy for him not having them when he has a cold or sore throat if he arranged to make up the time that his children have missed out on spending with him, or he did anything to help me when I'm ill. But he doesn't.

I'm sure his girlfriend thinks I want revenge...I don't, I would just like to have someone else who cares about my DC enough to make some effort occasionally.

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NotaDisneyMum · 25/11/2011 17:58

Well, he arrived earlier in a right state - he's had the runs all day (at school - he didn't tell anyone) and hes been totally spaced out - I found him stood alone in the middle of the conservatory in the dark doing goodness only knows what!

I'm really cross that his mum hasn't been more considerate - he's feeling rotten and unwell, she sent him to school with an upset tummy and she didn't tell DP he was ill; - I run my own catering business from home so will lose income, but could have lost my reputation/business Sad

All DSS is worried about is that his mum will have to leave work to look after him if he goes home Sad

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Purpleroses · 25/11/2011 18:22

Poor DSS. But confused by your thread here - if you picked him up yesterday ill, why was he sent to school by his mum this morning? And you said yesterday she'd told you/DP he was ill?

Or did DP refuse to have him yesterday and DSS was sent to school today by his mum who was cross that he hadn't been picked up yesterday by his dad?

Really don't see how dads can go to court for access rights and then step back and say "oh well I don't want DS when he's ill". It's surely for the mum to decide is she thinks he's so ill he needs her. If not, or if she has other things she needs to do (like go to work) then it should be whoever had planned to have him that has him. The runs aren't much fun but if my 8 year old had them when she was due to go to her dad's I'd certainly expect her still to go.

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