Advice needed please

[cheekychubster]

I'm not sure if this post belongs here but i thought you would all be far better to advise than some of the other boards!
I will try and squeeze 7 years into a smallish post if possible.
DH had a DS who i will call Z, 7 years ago, it was apparently an on off relationship and Z was as a result of failed contraception. The relationship broke down totally during pregnancy and DH was refused access to any scans and was not informed of the birth until weeks after Z's birth. He was not allowed to be put on BC and was refused any access but CSA were involved immediately and DH has paid ever since. He saw Z about 4 times in the first year on the conditions of large sums of additional money being paid over for contact.
We met when Z was a year old. DH was a mess as a result of the split and the denied access and the fact that his ex had met someone else straight after the birth who had taken on the role of Dad. By this point all access had been denied again and DH didnt have the money to follow through with a full court case for PR and then access, because of the weekly CSA payments.
We got together, he moved in and 3 years later we married and have our own DS who is now 3. Life has been relatively happy. DH accepted the situation ages ago and thankfully has a great relationship my My DC and our own DS.
Fast forward 7 years from the beginning, Tuesday this week when out of the blue Dh is stopped in the street by a chap asking his name and then saying that he is Z's Dad but they cant cope with his behavioural problems anymore and that DH now has to step up and take responsibility for Z. He was shown a pic of Z and left with this chaps details to contact FB even though DH doesnt have FB account.
Dh came home in a mess and the bottom line is he says he feels nothing for Z, that he grieved for over 2 years and let go a long time ago. He felt nothing when he saw the pic and says if he met Z he wouldnt have anywhere near the same level of commitment that a true parent would have to a child. Basically Z would be a total stranger and he calls this other Man Dad. He seems to think that they want him to step in and sort out behavioural probs and now that his ex and this chap have their own child Z is in the way. I'm sure this is only reading between the lines. Who knows what the real situation is in their house.
Me and DH had a bit of a row because i have no experience of crap parenting because i was very lucky growing up but Dh had a part time Dad who screwed with his head for years, he no longer has any contact with his family because of it.
I have told DH he needs to speak to Ex to find out what she really wants but he has refused point blank and says that which ever path he chooses he will get it wrong. Option A, starting contact and it fails, Z will be devastated by another rejection. Option B, Dh stays away and lets Z grow up with the only man he has ever known as Dad knowing that his Bio Dad chose to stay away when the offer was eventually there.
I'm not even sure how i feel about it all, I'm trying not to Disney the situation if he has contact as i know a magic wand is elusive when it comes to step families having been SM to my Exs DS.
Its a mess and i really do have to say that even though it sounds like DH is a shit, he is the kindest bloke i have ever met and a wonderful Dad to all of My DC. The state of him when we met was awful. I cant imagine how Z's parents think they can now decide they cant cope and drop him into the lives of 2 perfect strangers (Us). I could never do that with my DC. Do you think it could work or is DH right, its an emotional disaster waiting to happen. Does a bio dad really feel nothing for a child he has never really met? I'm trying to understand but DH compares it to having one of DDs friends dropped around and being told we are now parents again.
Please help evn if its to give me an ear bashing.

[ladydeedy]

i couldnt leave this unanswered although not sure what to say. what an amazing situation. So DH is paying through CSA although not allowed access and hasnt got PR. And now after years, the mother and her DH dont want to have to deal with this child's behavioural issues and want to simply pass him on to someone else?
An awful situation, not least for the child involved. I dont know what advice to offer other than the mother, her DH and the child go for some kind of family counselling. They cant expect an unknown (to the child) party to fix things! (even though he is biologically the dad).
Also dont forget your DH is not obliged in anyway to do anything and it's a situation not of his making.

[Petal02]

I didn't want to read and run, but am at a loss for something useful to say. But as Ladydeedy has said, even though your DH is biologically his father, he's a stranger to the child, and surely no one could reasonably expect him to suddenly pick all this up? Please keep posting.

[cheekychubster]

Thanks for your replys. We havent got any further forward with working out what we should do but Dh hasnt gone to work tonight so we can talk. Hasnt gone very well so far as we fell out again, he's in the shower sulking.
I think we should be rushing in to rescue Z, Dh thinks they should be sorting it out and that he wouldnt know where to start.
Its a bit more complicated because our DS has CP and learning disabilitys due to meningitis so we are both very protective of him and i hadnt considered the full implications of having a child with severe anger and behavioural probs in the house.
My stomach is turning over constantly so i cant go down the route of head in the sand like Dh wants to do.
I'm worried this man might have gone back and told Z that he has told DH he can have contact then Z might be waiting for him to arrive.
Dh thinks thats unlikely and that i'm being dramatic and watched too many films.
Thanks again

[NanaNina]

I am puzzled as to how this situation arose. Presumably your DH's bio child must live relatively near and the SD knew your DH was the bio father and this conversation happened in the street. Sorry I'm not saying it didn't happen I just find it rather odd.

Does your DH know where the family live, if so, could he not contact them to ask what this is all about, or telephone them, and make his feelings known, without the child knowing of course. I think maybe it is reasonable to ensure there are no child protection issues.

Other than that, I think your DH is in the right and he is a stranger to the child and I think you are being somewhat unrealistic in wanting to "rescue" this poor little boy, but sadly children with behavioural difficulties don't come across as "victims" but more as aggressors, as they have been ill treated or neglected and this is the reason for their difficulties. You have to think of your own children, especially your disabled child. I really think you need to take a step back and maybe reach a compromise along the lines of DH just making sure there are no child protection issues. I am sure he is feeling a whole load of emotions, maybe guilt, that your insistence of rushing into rescue the child is making him feel that this is what he should be doing. I think it would be the worst thing for the child too.

How do you think Z is going to feel coming into a ready made family who are all strangers and having to compete with the needs of your own children, especially as you must need to give a great deal of care to your disabled child.

[cheekychubster]

Hi nanaNina, it all does sound strange, i have to agree. We live quite rural with lots of small towns dotted around. They live about 8 miles from us but both very seperate places. DH's ex has recently made contact with Dh's brother via FB which i saw about 8 weeks ago on the feed on my FB (dh doesnt have FB) He also has no contact with any of his family. I only had BIL and 2 X SILs left on mine even though we dont speak irl because it felt rude to bump them off so i was a bit hurt when i saw it but thought it was a snipe at me about the no contact business so i only removed them from friends list when the box showing people you may know popped up on mine and Dh's ex was in it! That was weeks ago. I didnt give it much thought after that until Tuesday.
We could easily find out phone numbers and addresses via 192.com but DH wants no contact or he could contact the chap via FB as he gave his details. Dh said he seemed pleasant and thinks his ex must have been in the car when he was appoached. We only have one street of shops in the town so its not a place anyone would choose to be really without a purpose.
I'm quite suprised that everyone thinks DH is thinking more straight than me but its also reassuring because i really dont know what to do.
We have kind of decided to leave things as they are for now and wait to see if they contact us again. I cant see them letting it drop because they must be pretty desperate to ask DH for help in the first place. I just hate the feeling of waiting and worrying.
Thanks again

[cheekychubster]

I should add that we have already discussed child welfare issues together but both agreed that nobody in their right mind would drag 2 perfect strangers into their lives if anything like that was happening because his ex has other children to think of. Thats why we think it must be more to do with the behavioural problems and them not handling it and wanting Dh to sort it out and relieve the stress on them by having Z when needed. Seems to be the only logical answer without actually speaking to her and asking which DH refuses to do.

[samwellsbutt]

wow what a nightmare, its quite possible the ds has been brought being told that his dad didnt want anything to do with him etc and has abandonment issues which are something to do with his behavioural problems.
as a mum your instinct is to try and go rescue this poor little child the reality would probably be very different.
doesnt mean you shouldnt help but does mean that it would be very hard work.
could also be that you start to help the ex doesnt like whats being said/done and then withdraws again.
as a child that didnt see my father very often when young maybe twice a year and then not at all after i was 7 when i did finally see him again i can say that the belief that we would be anything other that strangers was quickly dispelled. we have nothing to do with each other but it did give me so good closure on the situation and enabled me to move on though, but i was 14. i know its not the same but i would say that if the ds came looking for your dh later in life then maybe he should meet up with him to clear the air but not sure how he could help him now.

[samwellsbutt]

up

[cheekychubster]

Thankyou so much Sam, you have basically been through the same as Dh did as a child with his bio Dad except he had the added trauma of an abusive stepfather thrown into the mix who bought 3 of his children along with him hence why Dh has no contact with any of his family now and seems a lot happier. I also think it clouds his thinking on this but that could be a good thing as he is far more qualified to judge than me emotionally.
I think the abandonment issues are probably what they think are causing the probs but that was always her choosing and obviously her partners as Z wouldnt be calling this man Dad. They closed down every avenue of his real Dad fitting anywhere in the future.
It seems a ridiculous question but would you have wanted your Dad to turn up when you were 7 and be a constant, or were you angry? I dont understand why a 7 year old would be angry if he is happy. I can understand a 12/13 year old being curious and starting to look having seen DDs friends start looking at that age and demanding answers but 7 seems very young.
Like you said, Ex could revoke all contact after a bit and she knows we dont have the money for the whole court thing which Dh thinks would be more traumatic than staying away.
I am going round in circles to be honest!

[samwellsbutt]

at seven i wanted nothing more than to have my dad in my life it was one of my biggest problems...but i had, had contact with my dad missed him wondered why he didnt want to see my, that kind of thing.
ds maybe having similar feelings ie why didnt dad want to have me etc but in an angry way. will it help to have his dad come in and say i did want you, i wanted to be part of your life so much but your mum wouldnt let me?
because then he can be angry with his mum as well and then really angry at his dad for not trying harder. not to say that he shouldnt do this or work past the initial stuff but at 7 you dont necessarily want whats best for you, you want what you want .
its possible he is saying to his parents he wants to meet his dad and they have latched on to this as the golden nugget of an idea which would solve everything. but to be fair this is all subjective and you and your partner wont know unless you get in contact and see whats up, and the actual circumstances around the decision to contact you.
good luck op hope you both can come to a decision that will work out. let us know how it goes.x

[NanaNina]

I may be completely off the track but am wondering whether there are problems between Z and a step-father and mother is putting her r/ship before her child.