Making plans for Christmas

[theredhen]

People have starting making plans for Christmas and friends and distant family are inviting me round. Last year I have found myself saying I don't know because we have to wait for ex wife to decide when we are having the kids which invariably is about the week before the school holidays when she has planned her life and then ships the kids off to us accordingly.

Assuming we are still together at Christmas (for those who have read my other posts - I am getting things straight and finances organised) am I right to take my friends up on their offer and say it will just be DS and I coming. Now it doesn't make much difference if it is DS and me or DS, me and DP and I know my friends wouldn't mind if DP is a last minute extra but they can't accomodate 4 or 5 (eldest has boyfriend who has to come everywhere with us now. [hmmm]).

DP wouldn't be happy if he was left at home alone if his kids weren't with him and wouldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to come. But if he can't commit to come, because his kids MIGHT turn up, then I feel as if I my friends and I aren't priority so he should stay at home anyway.

Of course, he could agree to come and if ex wife tries to tell him he is having the kids that day, he could refuse couldn't he? Although you would think that is impossible if you talk to him!

[Purpleroses]

Surely your DP must understand that an invite that's essentially to you can be extended to one or two others, but not 7/8? Could he leave his brood at home? Or just take the youngest? Children old enough to have boyfriends surely don't need to gatecrash their parents' friends' parties? Would they even want to come?

I think I'd expect my DP to commit to whether he can come or not though in that situation, and then to sort out babysitting or whatever if he later agreed to have his kids. (We've done that on a couple of ocassions for weddings during the last year - he fully appreciated the invite didn't include his DCs). And nor would I really expect my friends to extend an invite to all his DCs, esp as they're old enough to be left behind.

Or is this on Christmas day itself? In which case it's a bit more difficult I guess.

(Been reading your posts with interest btw - trying to work out how not to end up so stressed a year or two from now.....!)

[theredhen]

No, this isn't Christmas day, Boxing day or New Year. All of which I fully expect to spend with his family. Lucky for him I haven't got any immediate family to spend it with! I am talking about the period before and in between.

Just fed up saying to my family and friends "well, DP might be coming, it depends on whether he has his kids or not"

[SingingTunelessly]

Redhen, why are you even asking?! Sorry but you know whatever you do will be wrong in DP's eyes. Are you really sorting out the living arrangements now? If so, just make your own and DS's plan out for Christmas, etc.

[theredhen]

It feels like I am saying DP will come if he has nothing better to do. All my friends and family are understanding (or at least appear to be) but I don't think I would like it if I invited a friend and her partner over for the day and my friend said she didn't know if her DP would come or not.

I suppose I am thinking that if he doesn't commit to come, then he should stay at home whatever his ex wife decides in relation to the kids. Maybe then he might actually stop and think about things next time and want to make things right rather than everyone else having to be accomodating.

If someone has the decency to invite you surely you should have the decency to let them know if you are coming or not without making excuses? DS and I will go whatever, and to be honest, I don't really care if DP comes or not.

[Purpleroses]

Tell him that your friend would like to know numbers and ask him if he will be coming or not

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Bloody Nora! Are you still WAITING ON THOSE kids? Go, as invited, with your ds. Let the rest of 'em get on with what they're doing. Redhen, you're always having to put your plans on hold to see what everyone else decides. Think of you and ds, for a change.

Dh is invited? He should have the good grace to accept or decline, and just GET ON WITH IT !!!

[samwellsbutt]

look hun,you need to say to him if we accept this invite its a no going back kind of deal, then accept. then when it comes down to it if his ex does say then he will have to say no! if he doesnt go on your own.because seriously that is insane.

[theredhen]

Well I made a decision for DS and I to go when dp thought he might have the kids. Dp ex has since confirmed whatthekids-- she wants to do for Christmas and we will indeed have the kids that day. Am looking forward to a nice peaceful day with DS and my family. :)

[brdgrl]

I suppose I am thinking that if he doesn't commit to come, then he should stay at home whatever his ex wife decides in relation to the kids. Maybe then he might actually stop and think about things next time and want to make things right rather than everyone else having to be accomodating.

Yup! This should be your new position on all invites. If he cannot commit, then just go ahead and accept for the two of you (DS and yourself).
I hope you are doing OK...

[MissKittyEliza]

Good girl

I hope you and your son have a wonderful time, with those who love you and want you to be happy.

'Nuff said.