Ok, so I shouldn't have looked!

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Twitter isn't private. I looked at my SD's twitterings and it confirmed her feelings about me..... Not good. I've posted here recently about the issues and lord knows, I HAVE tried very hard to like/get on with this young woman for her dad's sake, for our future relationship's sake, and because DH is such a fantastic step dad to my young son.

However, having tried so hard and having had her ignore us since the summer, I now read these hurtful comments and frankly, I just don't want anything more to do with her.

What would you do? Obviously, I cannot say I've looked at her Twitter page. I don't do Twitter or Facebook....far too old! And, I know we all say things we don't mean but..... She's just not a person I want anything to do with, anymore. That makes me sad for everyone's future as I am actually a nice person and am just tired of being spoken down to or ignored. I know I'm the adult but it's SO not good for me!

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Oh, just to say... DH and I have been together 6yrs and married for 2. I came along 2 yrs after his marriage was ended by his ex's affair. He has 3 grown up kids. One's lovely and I get on well with her, one's noncommittal but frequently ignores me and the one who posted on Twitter looks down on me.

[fourkids]

speak to DH about it in the first instance?

[catsmother]

You've done nothing wrong by looking at Twitter .... it's not as if you've hacked into a private email account or something. An adult posting nasty stuff on a public site is being pretty damn rude and provocative IMO and there's just no need. No-one can force her to like you but considering - whether she likes it or not - you are family, and married to her dad - it's very disrespectful (to both you and him) to do this and if she can't say anything nice she should keep her mouth shut.

I don't see why you can't say you've looked at her Twitter page ... maybe not to her, but to your DH. I'm sure most of us in moments of idle curiousity/boredom have googled various family and friends and it's hardly unexpected these days to have Twitter pages come up in the results. IMO, I think your DH should perhaps have a word with her, saying he's disappointed she'd be so rude and immature ... reiterate to her that she's hurting him as well as you. Maybe he needs to ask why she looks down on you, and also make it clear that as his wife, he expects her to show basic courtesy even if you're never going to be friends.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Actually, she's 17. A teenager, and i know that we have to make allowances for the hormones etc but a young adult in my opinion. We both made excuses for her when she was younger but it doesn't get any better with age.

I told her to tidy her room (dirty knickers on the floor, all manner of human detritus and the smell!!) having hinted jokingly for almost 2 years that it was a disgrace. Also, DH and I told her we objected to her using our home whilst we were away for a few days and having teenagers sleep in OUR bed without asking/telling us nor changing the bedding before we got back into it! Since then, she has ignored us, totally.

I could tell DH but am in a no win situation. He supports me and is not impressed with her behaviour but... We may reach a situation where after all my efforts he only sees her privately, as it were. I think that's rotten for him, for me and my young son and puts a massive barrier up between us all for even the simplest of family occasions, never mind weddings. But then, I just don't want her anywhere near me if that's what she really thinks of me. I detest two facedness. No win, ya see?

Also, DH is a lovely man. Tries always to please everyone and besides this issue, we are ludicrously happy.

At the moment, she's not in touch at all so, her being here isn't an issue but should she decide to visit, I'd find it hard to go back to my pre-disagreement welcoming self.

[chelen]

Oh that's a crap thing to happen, I agree with Catsmother that you've done nothing wrong in looking at publicly posted information and I think you can say you've seen it. I think you have a right to expect basic privacy/courtesy and posting bad feelings (irrespective of truth really, but if lies then even worse) about a family member is just rude and disrespectful.

If it were me I would make it clear that she could not come in the house - although maybe she doesn't? Would your DH support you in that or will it make things very awful for your at home?

[chelen]

Ive just seen your further post, so its not as though she's a regular visitor so banning her probably a bit futile. I had forgotten that stuff about the party, I remember being shocked at that.

I don't see why you should be welcoming at all, its a two-way street and its not fair for you to have to make all the effort.

I can see why you are worried for your son, but on the other hand learning to be assertive (not aggressive of course!) when people are being mean to us is also a valuable lesson for him.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Chelen...that would be the sensible thing and as I say, DH would back me but then, it just leaves me behind as the "wicked" step parent she no longer has to see and I'VE TRIED SO DAMNED HARD. I really feel that because of this young girl's unfounded dislike of me (or the idea of dad having a new wife) I will forever be hovering on the sidelines where she wants me.

God, it's crap.

[Slambang]

I found one of my teenage diaries the other day. I'd written all about how much I hated my parents. They were actually lovely. Thank God they didn't read them on Twitter because it could have caused so much damage that I didn't actually

I know it's hard but I think you do just have to rise above it and carry on being polite and welcoming as if you'd never read the messages. She wont know it or understand it yet but one day she will want a good relationship with you.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Slambang.... I doubt that. She has a loving family, a doting dad, she's been the much cossetted "baby" with two adoring older siblings. She's a clever girl and has a large social group. She will never want a relationship with me as it's been obvious from the start that she never wanted me here. This she has screeched at me when she got drunk one night, threw up and left me to clean up after her. I had to rise above it, be the adult and continue to welcome her. And I did.

Now, years later, it just continues

[chelen]

Yeah, it does sound crap :( Hopefully some of the more seasoned teenage hell experts will be along with wisdom soon!

[LaDolcheRyvita]

The really crap thing is that I could have years and years of this. If she were just a "friend" (I know, the age difference put aside, bear with me) or a work colleague, I'd just give her a wide berth and wouldn't invite her to my home! But she's not, she's DH's daughter.

[theredhen]

If she doesn't really have any regular contact with you, I would just leave things be. Talk to DH about it and explain how you feel. I think you should be able to rise above it if you are only likely to see her now and again.

If she does want to resume coming to your home and staying, then I think you and DH have to show a united front and expect to be treated courteously. If she can't do that, then she can't stay in your home.

I would expect my DS to be respectful to my ex and his partner and would totally understand if they refused to have him stay because of behaviour similar to your DSD's.

[allnewtaketwo]

I would raise it with DH - and I agree with others that it's not exactly a breach of any privacy for you to have been looking at what she wrote. Actually the fact that she's put stuff like this on Twitter may suggest she's doing it for a purpose? If she hardly sees you it sounds really odd that she'd feel the need to chat to anyone about you iyswim?

I agree though that your DH will be in an awkward position, but really she's treating you terribly (I remember the party thread), and she's old enough to know that she is.

You mention she's not been in contact - does she have nothing to do with your son?

[greengoose]

Not to say its ok, but many many teenage daughters are really not very nice for a very long while. I ahted my parents passionately for at least 6 years, with no very obvious reason. The thing about it was, i also knew how secure I was and that they would never ever turn their backs on me. Ever. Thats what parents do, and they also clean up, and stress over very messy rooms. Its just part of the deal sometimes. I think the thing is your DH is still her dad, and thats his job. There should be no question about how he accepts her, she has obviously struggled with the split, but many of the things you mention dont sound in any way serious enough to reject her. You signed up to her when tou got involved with a man with his own kids IMO. Sorry, not what you want to hear, but most teenagers do ok if given the chance....

[LaDolcheRyvita]

greengoose I understand what you say. It IS hard for kids to accept that dad's moved on.... And it took him years to do that. He did have relationships which were low key and I think I was the first to be anything close to (semi) permanent. I know that when I was the long distance girlfriend, it was ok. But, at the mention of my moving in, subsequent moving in and marriage, it was clearly not "on". Knowing the importance of their dad in their lives, I have never ever interfered with their dad/daughter relationship. I have encouraged them to do stuff which doesn't include me or my son, because it's important that they do. However, over the years, this contemptuousness on her part has become very very degrading. I'm 49 years old. I actually just want a quiet, peaceful "free from bad feeling" life. DH and I both went through nasty divorces and I was on my own for a long time with just my son. I went out of my way for this girl because I could see that she was not happy with my existence....she told dH that whilst she didn't mind my son, she didn't want me there. What can I do with that? What I actually did was just rise above it and continue to welcome and include her. DH has said, many times, that he cannot IN ANY WAY fault my attitude toward her, despite provocation.

But, even with the "teenagers are horrid" thing, there comes a point where she ought to know that behaviour has consequences. That time is now.

allnewtaketwo you remember the party issue? DH is supportive because he cannot fault my attitude toward her, thus far. I have done nothing wrong, except to exist in her dad's life. If I packed up and left tomorrow, I actually think she would be significantly happier. Now I know, that's an unkind thing to say but, for people judging me, the way she is with me and has been over the years, would try the patience of a saint. As for my son, no she hasnt seen him and thankfully, in two months he has not once asked where she is. He has been really I'll though, so I'm just relieved I haven't needed to explain her absence.

I wasn't a model teenager myself. I was cripplingly shy and reclusive! But, I wasn't rude and knew when I'd over stepped the mark with my mum. I really think we make too many excuses for moody teens, these days. Not every unacceptable behaviour can be excused by hormones and teenaged-ness.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Should read...."my son has been really ill".

[allnewtaketwo]

LaDolceRyvita - when I said she might be doing it for a purpose, I meant to cause trouble (not because you deserve it - sorry, I think you've misread when I meant!). 17yo girls can be very manipulative, and slagging someone off on a public place like Twitter is, imo, probably deliberate, rather than simply letting off steam.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

I think it just shows the general disdain she feels for me. And I therefore will find it very hard, having seen it in print, to re-welcome her, if she eventually re-surfaces.

She is very manipulative. I hadn't lived here long and was fairly newly married when her refusal to speak to me sent me into a state of near despair. She ignored me and my son, who let's not forget, was also the product of a "broken home". I'd sold my home and invested in DH's mortgage and was being blanked by her and her friends. Yet I was cleaning up after her, cooking etc and trying very hard to be friendly/welcoming because I was the adult. If I made a friendly overture at conversation shed either not reply or answer me WHILST LOOKING AT DH. After months of this, I said I'd leave. Immediately, she wanted me to reassure her that it wasn't anything to do with her/anything she'd done. I said that no, i couldnt do that, i wouldnt lie to her. She ended up getting near hysterical and of course, DH went to her defence because all he saw was his little girl being upset.

The dust settled. We wiped the slate clean.... DH, when things calmed Dow, could see that I was sorely provoked. I carried on attempting to "fit in". But underneath, I know she just wishes I wasn't here.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

redhen, well before this, we had the every other weekend Friday evening to Monday morning along with one overnight stay in the week. Obviously, at her age it's been (rightly) very flexible too. So, if things get back to "normal" that's quite a lot of visiting.

DH and I spoke last night. He is still supportive and is not pleased that she a) shows no remorse (that's a strong word, maybe regret) for her behaviour and b) has shown a nasty lack of respect, on a public forum. He still agrees that clearly, there's more to this than the tidying her room and being asked NOT to use our house as she did. Underneath, and despite our best efforts, it's all rather ugly and perhaps we're just not going to get on. But, he reassures me that there is no good reason for her feeling this animosity toward me, other than SHE JUST DOES .

[planetpotty]

Ive only read your comments and not other so sorry if this post does not quite fit in....

How about (just an idea) stop trying, it seems whatever you do here you are damned. So do what suits you and then at least your not left with the - after all ive done feeling. I know you are finding it hard to put her behaviour down to being a teenager, and its seems that some of it is not to be put down to that. However I think (and remember) a big part of what made me such a horrible/vile teenager was that:

1. I didnt know how to deal with situations (at all - head full of lipgloss and angst).
   
2. Couldn't express my emotions to adults but could to my peers.
   
3. Didnt understand that adults aren't (and dont profess to be) 100% perfect.
   
4. I was sooo irational.
   
5. Really had no idea that saying sorry went a loooooong way and that saying sorry did not make you a weak person.
   
6. Was VERY selfish.
   
7. Thought old (anyone over 22!) people knew nothing and were boring and completely over the top.
   

Think im trying to say teenagers are all that bad! So the behaviour towards you imo is partly down to the teenage years and hopefully will melt away over time, its just about finding a survival tactic through the teen years???

I was an absolutely horrible teen to my mum - seriously between the ages of 14 and 16 I was VILE. Im quite about it now.

Im a SM myself but still primary age so much easier, but I have given a lot of thought to how the teen years will go.

I dont think you were wrong for reading Twitter I would have looked for sure. But if your DH already knows what she thinks maybe you mentioning it may just poor fuel on the fire. I know how the 14 year old would have taken that "expletive, expletive, grass, expletive!"

Sorry this is so long and I really feel for you ...... good luck :)

(spelling v bad as naughty teenager skipped school a lot! I am on laptop without spell check. ;)

Im a SM myself so I know its hard

[nailak]

i dont think it is because you are SM, if you were DM she would probably have an issue anyway, teenagers are stroppy and moody and feel like everyone is against them

[greengoose]

I guess what I was trying to say Dolche was that, given many kids go through a long and confusing phase of hating their natural parents, it must be so much harder for you, and her, to be in a step mum situation without the given that she is completely loved.

I am not casting blame, I just think for her she has had a family break up to cope with (and isnt in any control of that), and doesnt have the reassurance that kids often need that they have their home and their parents no matter what. You keep saying there is no good reason for her to feel what she does towards you, "she just does'.... I doubt its all that personal, her reason is probably that you are not her mum and you are with her dad... thats a lot of fuel for a teenager!

Her reaction when you said things might be bad enough to leave shows their is strong feeling there. (Many kids blame their parents breakups on themselves) She is obviously in a lot of pain over it all. So are you. I understand how provoking and out of line she is being.... I guess the difference is if you were her real mum and she was still at home a) this might not be happening, but also, b) this might still happen, but with the power and risk removed by the unconditional nature of the love from her parents. There is a big difference between condoning the way she is acting and understanding it. It sounds like their needs to be some understanding for there to be any change.

My friend went through a very similar thing with two step daughters, and eventually they went to family therapy together, and although my friend had little hope it would work (an example; they had stolen money from her, and tried to prove she had been flirting with their friends!) she was willing to fight for these girls, and in time it did. They are now able to talk about how they feel, and are friends. I was amazed by the change.

Im not telling you what to do, but I do think it cant get any better without you deciding thats what you are going to fight for.... and letting her know she is loved and important enough for that, if that isnt how you feel or what you want then you need to be clear about that, as things are they are just going to get worse and people will end up more hurt and angry, until eventually you can say you want nothing to do with her.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, it must be hard on your DH and your son too. I do not blame you for your anger at her, but I guess I dont blame her either. (While clearly not thinking what she is doing with those feelings is Ok for anyone). Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Thanks for all the replies. There's a lot of sense there and good advice.

Do I love her? No. Sorry. I see very little to like, really. And I feel really badly about that. Yes, I'm the adult. Yes, divorce is hard. There's no substitute for your parents remaining together. I understand all that and over the past years, have allowed for it. Over and over again.

[longjane]

I think there is a bit of "people in glass houses should not throw stones"
you cant come of public site and say
"Do I love her? No. Sorry. I see very little to like, really."
and then moan about what she says on twitter
if you read her twitter she will be reading mumsnet ....

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Good point longjane.

I have spent 6 years trying. It hasn't been an overnight reaction to her. She has behaved badly toward me time and time again, and as the "grown up" I've turned the other cheek and continued to welcome her. But, eventually even 17 yr olds have to learn that you can't keep behaving badly without some consequence. I didn't say I didn't like her...... I said I couldn't see much to like. That's an opinion formed on her behaviour toward me and to others.

Yes of course, this too is a public forum but, I go on here by pseudonym. I have not named her personally and I have not "called her". Everything said is truthful and has happened. Her comments about me were unfounded and mocking of my efforts to welcome her. My point is, at the present time, all things considered, I do not feel the inclination, to offer further welcome.