Perturbed

[Woozlemum]

Hi all

For a long time I was never really all that bothered about having children. A couple of years ago met my DP and have become stepmum to his son who is now 3 - almost 4. Having seen how fantastic DP is with his son, and hearing him talk about the best moment of his life - when his son was born etc, it made me very emotional and very much want to have children with him. We are getting married this month and have talked about trying for a baby after having been married for at least a year.

I have major sleeping problems - have not slept properly in 11 years, tried all kinds of things, resorted to sleeping pills like Zopiclone and even Tamazepam which don't seem to work. When we have DSS overnight to stay I am super hyper aware that he is in the next room, and although he sleeps better now than when he was younger, I am on the alert for him to wake up in the night so I can ensure DP wakes up and sees to him (as DSS prefers DP to go in to him which is fair enough as he is his Daddy) as DP sleeps pretty soundly. I often will not sleep the entire night and then DSS will wake around 6am or earlier and DP will have to get up and see to him and do breakfast etc and tries to let me get more sleep - but then all I can hear are them playing etc and I dont sleep and I end up feeling pretty crappy for the rest of the day.

The thought of all of this is also now making me feel like I dont think I could cope if we had our own child. I can cope to a degree with DSS as he doesn't stay overnight all that often at the moment - but as he gets older will probably stay over one night a week or have him over a whole weekend every other week. With a child of our own of course that means every night of getting up to see to them, being hyper aware of them, and my general sleeping problems on top of that, I worry that I would have some sort of melt down.

I feel silly for thinking all of this, as of course women have been dealing with sleepless nights for eons but it is really bothering me and upsetting me quite a lot. I feel like I dont want to lose out on having children with DP but also dont want to put my own sanity at risk!

Any thoughts appreciated!!

[DoMeDon]

Why can't you sleep? Is it insomnia, nightmares, light sleeping?

Have you tried Paul Mckenna 'I can make you sleep' or some such name? It comes highly recommended by my insomniac friend.

I have always been a light sleeper and suffered from nightmares. Counselling helped me.

I would really address that issue - there is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!!

[SarahBumBarer]

Hi - gosh I really don't know what to say but didn't want to not answer.

Not helpful but it's one of those things that you just don't know how it will be until you are dealing with it. I was worried about lack of sleep before I had DS1 because I really am a horrible person when overtired. However I don't have sleep issues like you do and generally have self-taught relaxation techniques so while I obviously can't control whether DS wakes me up, I don't generally have other sleep issues that I can't manage IYSWIM (we all have bad nights now and then of course).

BUT I will say that I have seen friends cope amazingly with lack of sleep with their new (and not so new) borns. I will also say that I have not once since DS was 6 months old and moved into his own room had to get out of bed during the night to go and see to him. (Please don't let me have just jinxed that!) Weekend lies in are a thing of the past of course but I hear in any event that it is really not good for your body clock to get up early in the week and then sleep late at weekends so it is for my own good!

How much support do you have? ie anyone that you know you can rely on to do an overnighter reasonably regularly so you get some sleep when it is needed? Is paying a nght nurse one or two nights a month an option. I know it is not much but just knowing that you have that option might take away some of the stress which ultimately contributes to the sleep issue.

[Woozlemum]

Thanks for the replies! I've had insomnia since I was doing my A-Levels. Find it very hard to switch off at night, always thinking about pointless stuff.

DP is very supportive, sent me a lovely email today about it as he knows its been on my mind a lot lately. Have DSS over tonight and hoping I can relax a bit more!

I'm not sure about support other than DP doing his fair share of getting up in the night etc, my parents live about 3 1/2 hours away and his Dad & stepmum live 2 hours away. I think I might try hypnotherapy soon, to see if that helps. Really cannot think about even trying for a baby until I can get some sort of resolution about my sleep. When I do get to sleep I am a light sleeper, so noises etc will wake me up.

A lie in for me these days is 9am, not like those teenage years of 12noon or later!

[theredhen]

Sleep is the first thing that goes for me when I am stressed. I can "function" on very little sleep but I know how awful it makes you feel.

I was never able to nap during the day when DS was a baby and so the sleep deprivation was pretty awful but no worse than other times when I've been stressed and not able to sleep.

I'm not always great at taking my own advice, but I think you should look at getting some help with your sleep and dealing with your problems during the day before you think about having a baby. I'd be interested in hearing how you get on and if you can manage to switch off your mind at night time when all is quiet.