DSS stealing

[voddiekeepsmesane]

Bit of background been with DP since DSS was 7, ten years now. It's all had it's ups and downs but overall has gone well. DP and I have a 7yo DS as well. DS and DSS get along well and always have.

BUT in the last 6 months DSS has stolen from me numerous times and I am getting bloody sick of it to say the least. Came to a head this week when DSS has stolen off my computer desk a £50 scratch ticket while I was out, but ofcourse denies it, It can only be him as only the 4 of us have been in the house since I got it.

It is starting to drive a wedge between DP and me as even though DP is angry he is trying to work through it with DSS ( as he would as his parent) but I have no trust in DSS anymore and do not want him in the house unless I am present (DP is blind).

I really don't know what I want out of this thread but I suppose I just needed to vent. Did put it on the end of another thread but after posting felt that it could do with a thread of its own.

[Readyisknitting]

Hi, didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I don't have experience of dealing with a teen stealing, but when my own dc have (7 & 5) there have been heavy consequences. Think you need to sit down with your DP and DSS, and have a family discussion along the lines above. Your DSS has to realise that his actions have consequences, in that you no longer trust him. Can you see any reason why he would? Is he smoking? or anything else like that? Does he have a part time job? And if he did do you think that would help him appreciate money more? Maybe he also needs to budget his pocket money/earnings, a vital skill for when he's on his own 2 feet.

Sorry, I don't think I've been very helpful. I guess ultimately he need to see you both dealing with this together.

[WkdSM]

My view may tend to be a bit harsher than others as I have a SS who lived with us from 13-16. He has been stealing from family and friends since he was around 7 and we have tried everything to make him stop. The only thing that worked was padlocking our bedroom door and making sure all money/valuables were in there. He is back with his mother now and is still stealing. He is the same age as your SS.

One of the only things we did that seemed to have any impact was to make all 3 of us sit in a group and not leave the room until he had admitted it (sometimes could take 3 hours or so). Just get reitterating - it was not me, it was not your father, so can you explain where it is?

Kids to tend to go through a stage of stealing, but usually stop at 10 or 11 apparently. Does he have anything that he could not possibly afford in his room? We used to have to have regular room searches and searches when he came in from school - awful I know but the number of times he had £20 on him that he had no idea was there and no idea how it got there was amazing.

He did stop for a bit when he was at boarding school but has started up again.

Sorry - have hijacked post! But unless you want to have to live locking everything up and telling friends who visit to keep their handbags with them all the time you need to come down on this like a ton of bricks.

[2blessed2bstressed]

This must be horrible for you - and I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, but I wondered if maybe you posted it in Teenagers as well, that maybe more people there would have experienced something like this?

[glasscompletelybroken]

I am big on actions and consequences and with kid this age I would sit him down and ask him what outcome he is trying to achieve. Don't let him monopolist the discussion with denial - just tell him you know what he is doing and ask him what outcome he wants.

We all do things - even negative destructive things, because we want something. He may not have the ability to make the connection or may be just unwilling. Maybe he wants attention - or maybe he just wants the money. As wkdSM said - just persevere until you get an answer.

Then tell him what the actual consequences will be if he continues - restricted access in the house - locks on doors etc - which is an illustration to anyone else who visits that he is a thief. Or even not coming to the house unless you are there as his dad is not able to see what he is up to. Tell him the choice is his. he has to acceot responsibility for his actions.

[theredhen]

Glass, I agree completely. Consequences are the way to go here. Is this what is happening now with your DP and working through it?

He might not even really understand himself why he is doing something, but it's certainly worth asking. Make some clear consequences for stealing (like restricted access to certain rooms and / or equipment) and let him know what they are.