Am I right to be so annoyed about this....?

[SallyBowles]

My dh and I recently had a short break together. First holiday, as such, in 5 years. Whilst we were away, his 17yr old daughter, who stays with us every other weekend and one day in the week ( and lives with mum 5 mins away) came over and invited a number of friends.

Nothing wrong in that. Apparently, they all had rather a lot to drink and stayed over. What annoyed me was, she didn't ask us if this was ok, she allowed someone to use our (master bedroom) bed. And, she never mentioned it the day we returned when we saw her. I could tell that something was odd about the bed as it had been stripped and changed before we left on our break. Also, I found hair grips in the bed.

Sd never apologised; DH spoke to her about it but she just kind of shrugged and walked off.

We have 4 bedrooms, they could have used any of them EXCEPT OURS. She didn't even change the sheets....just didn't mention it and thought we'd not notice so, that would make it Ok.

Dh and I both feel that she uses our home to do stuff her mum wont tolerate. Her mum woulnt let her have a party at their house recently and so we had it at our home. When she is with us, staying, she's always out and about which I know is normal for her age but then, when we weren't here, she had a houseful and abused the situation, I feel. The usual detritus of people having used your home was in evidence too.... Empty cans, dirty glasses etc. But, it's the use of our bed that's upset me.

And no apology....she just looked pissed off that we'd noticed.

[SallyBowles]

Oh, and because I thought I was imagining it, we SLEPT in the bed, DH and I after some drunken teens had been in ther, doing who knows what?

Must make me seem really anal but, I'm really cross about it.

[TheProvincialLady]

So put your foot down and tell her no parties, no overnight guests because she has betrayed your trust and not even apologised. Otherwise she will continue to take you for mugs.

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh and you may well find your bed was full of girls not doing any dos whatsoever

[SallyBowles]

Hmmm... That's the odd thing. When sd has a friend stay over, and its a rarity, they usually do the typical two girls in together, nattering til the early hours thing. Strangely, sd said no one was in with her and they just decided to "spread out". That doesn't add up, to me. Don't get me wrong, she's 17 and can do as she (legally) pleases but, I think our home was used. And her mum definitely wouldn't like it so why use our home as a doss house, in our absence?

That tells me instantly that it wasn't as simple as just having a bunch of girls over. All the beds were used.

I guess it's the lack of respect for OUR home that's upset me.

Not sure dh would support me in the "no sleepovers" thing.

[yoshiLunk]

I would be livid, I would hate the thought that some stranger (to me) had slept in my bed male or female doing the do or not.

She has come and let herself and her friends in while she knew you were away, and used your house and abused your trust. There need to be consequences or as TPL says she will continue to take the piss.

Take away her key, perhaps have a place where you can leave it out for her on the occasions when you know she will get home before you for example.

And get a lock on your bedroom door for when she's there and you're not.

[SallyBowles]

We have to tread carefully with sd. She still hopes her dad and mum will one day resume there relationship. Her mum had an affair which ended the marriage....I came along 3 years later and after 4 years of long distance relationship, I relocated and we were married.

SD had been to a party one night, aged 15 , had too much to drink, came here cause her mum refused to collect her from the party, threw up everywhere and then proceeded to shout at the top of her voice, how much she disliked me and my "precious son". My son, by the way is ten and disabled. A lovely boy who for loves seeing his step sister.

Her behaviour toward me was dreadful. I was mostly ignored. The girl never looked at me and her dad noticemd that, the odd sentence thrown my way was never accompanied with eye contact.

Things have improved recently. Dh said she has changed ( as teenagers do) for the better though I myself have not changed at all. I was always welcoming for the sake of dh, my own son and the fact that I'd given up my home and left everything to relocate.

Dh and I are now ludicrously happy. I don't want to rock the boat but know I have to make a stand on this.

[brdgrl]

You say that you need to tread carefully, and I agree. You need to be very, very careful not to allow this girl to continue to abuse the situation. It is absolutely unacceptable, what she's done. You aren't sure that your DH would back you up on a no sleepovers rule, and that is appalling.

On a separate point - You say she is old enough to do what she likes, legally. (Which really isn't the point, because, after all, she surely does not have the right to do it in your home.) But consider this - if someone were hurt at a party in your home, you and your DH would LEGALLY be held accountable for that.

If this happened with my SD (she is 16), you had better believe there would be serious, SERIOUS consequences. This is a big deal, really. Sounds like you guys have been making way too many allowances for her and giving her way too much.

[chelen]

I think this is a major deal and she should no longer have a key to your house while you are away if that is how she is going to behave. It's about trust.

As I have mentioned on other posts I was quite a difficult teenager and used to do similar to my own parental home. When I look back I can see how disrespectful it was and how I was doing it to get at my parents really. Many other friends never had people over at their houses in the way I did, so whilst it isn't unheard of it also isn't universally tolerated.

[Petal02]

Sally, I think this is dreadful, and you should certainly make a stand. I'm surprised she has a key though? My SS spends alternate weekends with us, and he doesn't have a key. There's more chance of an alien invasion than him having a party (!) but he can't gather his thoughts sufficiently to (a) engage burglar alarm; (b) close door; (c) lock door - so he doesn't have a key.

[SallyBowles]

You know, we trust her entirely with stuff like locking up and ensuring the place is left secure.

It's this constant feeling I have that our home is somehow a second rate establishment and it's therefore Ok to treat it as such. I know all teens have untidy rooms but, I was in there yesterday to change the sheets and frankly it smelled. Stale and well, sweaty. This girl gets herself all dressed up and prettily made up and then leaves all her dirty tissues and dirty washing on the floor.

I've told DH that I flatly refuse to be some kind of hired help/room service and tidy up for her but, the room smells dirty. Theres an empty bottle of wine under the bed thats been there 6 months. Anyway, I digress....

And as always happens if anything involving a difference of opinion occurs, sd looks at me like I am not worth speaking to. I am not the only one she looks at like this but still, I don't want it in my home. It's my safe place.

[Petal02]

You have every right to want your home to be your 'safe place.' If your home isn't sacred, then what is?? I still don't think she needs to have a key if she doesn't live with you.