Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

He wants to pay his kids to see him now!

22 replies

theredhen · 05/07/2011 19:31

There is a chance that my DS aged 13 won't be at his Dad's this weekend.

We are helping to organise a local event on Saturday evening and children are welcome. We are going out earlyish on Sunday morning so I thought having DS there would be a good excuse for me / DP to leave early. DS could also stay at home on his own as we are literally only down the road anyway. I had no plans to get a babysitter at all.

Now, we are not due to have the DSC this weekend. DP has suggested that DSD aged 15 babysit and we pay her, meaning a 10 mile trip to collect her and drop her off . He says this means he gets to see her for an extra night and it will annoy her Mother. DSD is up for doing this to earn some more money from us.

So, of course, now when I say DS doesnt' need a babysitter, I will be stopping him from seeing his kids!

OP posts:

Report

brdgrl · 05/07/2011 20:08

This seems like a really bad precedent. DS will resent being "babysat" by his stepsister (if not now, eventually!). And you will end up having to pay DSD to do something you don't want or need, which is a bad bad idea and will lead to her wanting it in the future. And why encourage the kids to annoy their mother? I understand wanting to annoy her, but to use the kids to do it that way seems off...

I'm a new reader, so I don't know all the background, but I don't see why he woudl resort to this to see them...surely if the Ex doesn't want him to see the kids then anyway, she'll say no anyhow...

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 05/07/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nenevomito · 05/07/2011 21:44

I don't pay my DSD to babysit her sibs!

If he wants to see her then he can invite her along, but paying her to come is madness.

Vibrant · 05/07/2011 21:49

I do pay my dsd to babysit, but still agree, don't pay her to come, invite her anyway. And as for doing it to annoy her mum is just inflammatory.

SingingTunelessly · 05/07/2011 22:18

Hi redhen - it goes on and on doesn't it?! I don't have any problem with paying siblings to babysit if necessary and we want time out that we would pay a babysitter for anyway. But the point is it isn't necessary is it? As for doing it just to wind her mum up - well words fail me.

Just say you've decided to take DS with you.

catsmother · 06/07/2011 05:43

As his mother you have every right to firmly state that DS does NOT need a babysitter. This is an entirely separate issue to whether or not DP wants to see his daughter. If he does, then after discussing it with you of course (ha ha) he should invite her over, without any further conditions. Think it'll be very telling to see if she comes without the bribe.

TELL him - arrogant man - that he's welcome to invite her. That way he can't possibly say you're blocking contact. But he also needs to tell her that "babysitting" isn't required. Even if it was, I agree that the occasional session should be done as a family favour.

As for doing this at all to "annoy" the mother, words fail me. I know your DP's ex can be selfish and unresaonable but scoring points off her doesn't help the situation does it.

Oh .... and if she does come, and he starts blathering on about having "promised" her this £10 - for services NOT required - which he "can't go back on now" blah blah blah (which would be pathetic), TELL him that in that case, if she's going to get £10 for sitting about watching TV, then he can also give DS £10 for doing the same.

theredhen · 06/07/2011 08:01

It really is a ridiculous situation and shows just how clingy DP is. The reason for this is that DSD has started saying she wants to stay at Mums on some of our access nights. She still comes and sees us and we are not spending hours on end ferrying her about everywhere. In my opinion, it's better because she is choosing time to be with us rather than just seeing us when she has nothing better on.

I am going to suggest that she comes with us to the event and DP can pay for her tickets or get her to help out if he wants, but there is no way I am making DS stay at home just so DSD can be here. After all, we are often out doing things for DSC and DS stays at home, so do we suddenly need a babysitter everytime!?

And yes, because his ex wife takes great delight in telling him that his kids don't like him and that her latest boyfriend is flavour of the month etc and plays lots and lots of games, sometimes he feels a need to "get her back" but there is no way he is going to do that via me or DS.

OP posts:

theredhen · 06/07/2011 08:01

It really is a ridiculous situation and shows just how clingy DP is. The reason for this is that DSD has started saying she wants to stay at Mums on some of our access nights. She still comes and sees us and we are not spending hours on end ferrying her about everywhere. In my opinion, it's better because she is choosing time to be with us rather than just seeing us when she has nothing better on.

I am going to suggest that she comes with us to the event and DP can pay for her tickets or get her to help out if he wants, but there is no way I am making DS stay at home just so DSD can be here. After all, we are often out doing things for DSC and DS stays at home, so do we suddenly need a babysitter everytime!?

And yes, because his ex wife takes great delight in telling him that his kids don't like him and that her latest boyfriend is flavour of the month etc and plays lots and lots of games, sometimes he feels a need to "get her back" but there is no way he is going to do that via me or DS.

OP posts:

theredhen · 06/07/2011 08:01

It really is a ridiculous situation and shows just how clingy DP is. The reason for this is that DSD has started saying she wants to stay at Mums on some of our access nights. She still comes and sees us and we are not spending hours on end ferrying her about everywhere. In my opinion, it's better because she is choosing time to be with us rather than just seeing us when she has nothing better on.

I am going to suggest that she comes with us to the event and DP can pay for her tickets or get her to help out if he wants, but there is no way I am making DS stay at home just so DSD can be here. After all, we are often out doing things for DSC and DS stays at home, so do we suddenly need a babysitter everytime!?

And yes, because his ex wife takes great delight in telling him that his kids don't like him and that her latest boyfriend is flavour of the month etc and plays lots and lots of games, sometimes he feels a need to "get her back" but there is no way he is going to do that via me or DS.

OP posts:

theredhen · 06/07/2011 08:26

Oh and he KNOWS she won't come without the bribe!

OP posts:

catsmother · 06/07/2011 08:38

Well you need to fight fire with fire then. I deplore offering kids bribes to have contact with their parents. Just ask him what he thinks their so called relationship is like, or what he means to his daughter if he has to pay her to see him !

Keep reiterating that DS doesn't need babysitting, and it's up to YOU to decide if/when he does, not DP. If you say he doesn't, as his mum, that should be the end of it.

And, if all else fails, and he insists on giving this spoilt manipulative madam her £10, then, apart from ranting at him, insist that DS is also given £10 for doing nothing - just as she is. Though I wouldn't be at all happy at the utter waste of money.

He really is being very stupid. How can he take any pride or pleasure in company which has to be bought ? By doing this he's teaching his daughter that love is for sale .... and furthermore, setting a precedent, as you said, but only for her, but also for all the others who'll soon cotton on that if they start being awkward about contact too there might be £10 in it for them.

Petal02 · 06/07/2011 08:58

Hi Redhen, as soon as I saw the title of this thread, I just KNEW it was going to be you !!!!

Yes, it illustrates VERY clearly how clingy your DP has become. I agree that your son doesn?t need a babysitter, and he certainly shouldn?t be made to be stay in and be ?looked after? just to give your DP an excuse to pay his daughter to come over for an extra night, that?s ridiculous!

If he starts pulling stunts like this, then before you know it he?ll be bankrolling all of them, just to ensure he gets to see more of them, and that would be really silly. It sounds like DSD has simply got to the age where she?s becoming more independent, and wants to do her own thing, which is healthy.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 06/07/2011 12:15

If I was a 13 yr old boy and you arranged a babysitter for me for this short time I think I would tell you I hated you .

theredhen · 06/07/2011 12:43

The trouble is the more the kids want independence, the more he clings to them. A natural process of kids becoming more independent is not welcomed as it is with DS and I, but it is something for an absent parent to fight against. I want my DS to be independent and have a life of his own but also for us to have QUALITY time together. I'd far rather when DS is aged 15 that he is out with his mates and doing stuff which helps him to become independent. I don't want to bribe him to be with me even though I would hope he would make time for me (as DSD is doing).

How many times do we see absent parents clinging onto their adolescent kids on these boards?

OP posts:

theredhen · 06/07/2011 12:43

Oh and apologies for the duplicate posts earlier, not sure how that happened!

OP posts:

Petal02 · 06/07/2011 12:51

It makes me wonder what he'll be like when they're all adults and leading their own lives - will he be offering cash incentives in return for regular visits? Sadly, many non-resident parents have unhealthy relationships with their children.

theredhen · 06/07/2011 12:53

He's already said he hopes his kids don't move away from the small town we live in and he wants lots of grandchildren. He still visits his family every single day and works with a lot of them. Sigh.

Personally I want DS to spread his wings and live his life to the full and this little town doesn't really offer much.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 06/07/2011 13:02

It's unusual for a father to be so clingy towards his children - and whilst I can understand what under-pins guilt/disney parenting, the clingy-ness surprises me.

theredhen · 06/07/2011 13:07

I think dp does have some insecurity issues.

OP posts:

theredhen · 07/07/2011 07:54

Well, DP suggested that DSD come to the event and he pays for a couple of tickets or that she come and help out. She declined, giving an excuse that would have prevented her from "baby" sitting anyway.

OP posts:

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 07/07/2011 14:46

thank god for that. your poor son . lucky escape there .

brdgrl · 08/07/2011 00:00

sounds like a good result, anyway. I hope DH is learning from it.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.