dsd has come to live (we think)

[2blessed2bstressed]

Am really just posting because I don't really know what to do, or how I feel about all of this - will try to keep it brief but don't want to drip feed either
DP and I been together 2 years, but known each other much longer. He has 2 dcs, so do I. Mine live with me, his with ex, although they have regular access arrangement sorted.
DP has his own place and doesn't live with me, although he spends most of his time here, and the four kids enjoy hanging out together so they spend a lot of time here at weekends, and for tea through the week quite regularly.
Anyway...last week dsd1 (13) said while here for tea that she wanted to come and live with her dad permanently. She has said this before, and actually came and stayed for a week last year, but then wanted to go back to mums.
Because of this, we said yes, fine, but have a think about whether you really want to do this, there are rules here that you don't have at home, be sure that you're not just in a mood with your mum tonight etc etc. She agreed to have a good think about it, and we said we'd discuss all the pros and cons when she was here for tea this week.
DP got hysterical phone call from her on Monday evening begging him to pick her up because she and her mum were fighting so badly - so he did. Apparently she and her mum were screaming and swearing at each other (this has happened before), and so DP felt that even if it was just for one night, they needed to be separated so they could both calm down.
He and dsd both stayed here that night, and dsd is adamant that she wants to stay full-time.
DP took her to her mums yesterday after school, because she said she needed to pick up some stuff, they were met by mum at the door who said "you've saved me a trip, was on my way round to your girlfriends with this"...dsd's stuff in 3 black binliners! "This isn't what I want, but since you refuse to tell her she has to stay with me, then you can take all her crap too"
I'm actually quite concerned because dsd seems quite unfazed by all this, and is carrying on as if everything is fine, whereas I'm quite stressed about it!
At the minute they're both staying with me because DP has rented out his spare room to someone down here working with him til July - he goes home every weekend so it hasn't been a problem for access times but isn't good just now. Plus, DP leaves for work at 6:45 and isn't home til 17:30ish, so I'm doing school run (my house isn't too far, but bit much to walk and not in catchment area, so no friends round here).
I don't mind doing any of this - I'm not moaning, but I'm not sure if we're doing the right thing......should we have told her no, as her mum and her family think?
Turns out not so brief...sorry

[ladydeedy]

gosh, quite a lot to take in and I sympathise!! I think there a few things at play here... one is that she is your DP's child, not yours, and therefore in theory should be with him, not you. At her age she can in theory chose which parent she wants to live with. Given the extremity of the situation it's probably best for your DP to explain to the person who is renting his spare room as he will need that room back asap for his daughter.
Do you and DP plan to live together at some point? Does she just prefer your house because it is more comfortable, got other kids there that she can hang out with. I think you do need to be clear that it is YOUR house, not your DP's.

just some first things to think about - will return but I can understand completely why you feel stressed out! I think DP and you need to consider what your relationship is, where it's going. Does it make sense for him to live with you?

[WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper]

Well IMO you are handling this really well. She must really like you and feel safe with you, and that's great.

It may well be typical teenage arguments, and because her parents happen to live apart, she has the option of getting some space. Nowt wrong with that.

I think it also shows that DH takes his role as a dad seriously which is a very important message. She may well change her mind but at least she knows you're both there for her :)

[pickyourbrain]

I personally think you have done the right thing. It doesnt sound like her mother has put up much of a fight so why shouldyou fight for her.

It may be an element of "It may well be typical teenage arguments, and because her parents happen to live apart, she has the option of getting some space. Nowt wrong with that." as wobbly says. And I am always telling myself to be careful to beleieve everything DSD says as it is easy to assume her mum is at fault when I only hear her side of the story.

The important thing is she knows you are ther efor her and if she wants to go back to her mum's then that is fine too.

[ladydeedy]

yes, hear hear, well done to you (sorry, didnt express that earlier!). Great that you are staying pretty calm in fact, under the circumstances!

[2blessed2bstressed]

Thank you so much for posting!
DP's lodger is leaving in July - it was only a short term arrangement as the guy is here temporarily working and was desperate and DP has been pretty skint, so it was win/win.

I'm not sure that dsd is going to want to stay permanently really, and am a wee bit worried about changing all sorts of things on the basis that she is...to then have her say she wants to go back to mums in a fortnight.
DP and I are happy as we are with our living arrangements - we might move in together in the future, but it's not what either of us want right now - although please don't imagine that means we are not serious and completely committed to each other - but there are lots of reasons for things being the way they are (which would kind of out me in RL, so I'm going to try and avoid getting into it).

I think dsd feels relaxed here because it is comfy, and it is a "kids house" iykwim - xbox, wii, trampoline - and early morning access to my hairdressing expertise before school!

Dsd has been so fine about everything that I can't help feeling she's just pretending it's not happening. DP has made an appointment with her guidance counsellor at school to just explain how she's staying with him and that relations with her mum are strained right now - I wondered if he should ask if she might benefit from counselling, or am I over reacting? Should I take her fineness at face value and not imagine she must be really upset about it all deep down?

[2blessed2bstressed]

Also, just to add - I haven't really discussed anything with dsd, other than to say she's welcome here, and that I expect her to muck in with chores same as my kids (to be fair, she always does at weekends anyway), and that the rules that apply to them, apply to her too (no FB til homework done, no mobiles on after 9:30 at night, that sort of stuff) and she's been fine with all of that. I also said that if she decided that she wanted to go back to mums, she should say, and not worry about it - our feelings wouldn't be hurt and it was her decision. I don't know if I should've or not, and I've no intention of saying anything else as I don't think it's my place.

[WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper]

Hmm, some DCs are just 'closed books' aren't they - what is she like normally?

[pickyourbrain]

I think sometimes they close themselves off if they are used to emotional mind games from their mum... That is the case with DSD. Sometimes i wonder why she doesnt cry when she is let down for the hundreth time but she just carries on

[2blessed2bstressed]

very open and chatty - told me all about her day at school yesterday in the car on the way home - showing me photos of her and her friends mucking about at lunchtime on her phone.
Just no mention of mum whatsoever, and no change of expression (according to DP, I wasn't there) when presented with all her worldly goods in binbags at door.
Her younger sibling is meant to be coming for tea tonight, but not sure if mum will actually allow it because of the way things are - DP wondered if he should cancel anyway, but we agreed it wasn't very fair on them, they must be missing their big sis, and also, we should try and keep things normal for everyone, instead of making it into a big drama.
So hope we're getting this right, or as right as possible

[2blessed2bstressed]

Oh pick, that's so sad! And it's what I'm worried about with dsd, that inside somewhere she must be hurting, but she's freezing over that part of herself and not thinking about it.

[WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper]

Oh pick :( that's horrible. I agree about mind games - my DSDs are the same. They are so used to their mum that they don't see how dysfunctional her attitudes are, and never stick up for themselves. Even when DH - as their DAD FFS - gives them permission to do something (recent examples include leg-shaving and doing a charity project) they won't do it for fear of her reaction.

I think you are right not to make a big deal of it. It's her choice. I remember when DSD said to her mum during an argument that she wanted to live with us, and her mum absolutely flipped :(

[pickyourbrain]

Indeed, they'll never thank you for critacising their mum. It's best just left. If you make it quite clear that you are there, without judgement, if they do need to talk; that is all you can do really.

And be prepared to let go again if/when they decide to go back to mum

[2blessed2bstressed]

I wouldn't say anything about mum - although I've thought plenty! And I'm still expecting dsd to say that she wants to go home at some point - and that's ok. Don't know how DP will feel if that happens mind you

[Smum99]

"I think sometimes they close themselves off if they are used to emotional mind games from their mum... That is the case with DSD. Sometimes i wonder why she doesnt cry when she is let down for the hundreth time but she just carries on"

PYB, This rings so many bells with me, DSS only becomes upset when he's concerned about the impact of what his mum does on his half siblings, rather than himself. We have suggested counselling but his mum has said it's for "crazy" people so he's not keen!

[pickyourbrain]

OMG, DSD's mum said the same thing! Personally i think she doesnt want her to have councelling because the councellor would undo all the brain washing her mum has worked so hard on over the years.

[WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper]

The mindgames have continued here too.

DSD has been struggling with school and has asked to be homeschooled (something DH and I know a fair bit about as we considered it for our DCs). She was asking really mature questions about it and was excited about meeting up to discuss it.

So today we met up. She's changed totally. All she would say is that her mum 'doesn't like homeschooling'. She's said "do whatever is best" to DD, but she has SO much power over her that just the fact she's not keen has made DD scared to pursue it further.

I am so fucking sick of her manipulating them, I really am. DH is devastated - not specifically because of the homeschooling thing, but because it's just one more thing in the massive list of her control issues. She's a dictator not a mother. And what can DH do? (serious question) no matter what DH says to them they will always do what their mother says because she will give them hell otherwise.

The day DH lost the custody battle is the day his DCs lives took a turn for worse IMO. He even says he wishes he'd stuck with the marriage (she was an emotional blackmailer etc) longer, despite the fact it was awful, just to give them a better start.

I daresay they'll realise her true colours someday but how much damage is being done in the meantime? :(

[pickyourbrain]

2I daresay they'll realise her true colours someday but how much damage is being done in the meantime? sad"

Quite.

[pinkbraces]

2blessed, Im in the same place you are, my DSD rang her Dad two weeks ago sobbing for him to come and get her, the arguments, and general nastiness of her mum had got to much for her.

I think the last two weeks has been the calmest she has known for a long time. My DD and her get on incredibly well, there is just two years between them, which I think makes it easier for her.

I am concerned she doesnt seem to be missing "home" or living with her mum and she isnt talking to me or her Dad about it, she does talk to my daughter though.

I think you are definitely doing the right thing, my DH cant forgive himself for not making her move earlier, although I think it had to come from her.

We are hoping that the move will now make the relationship betweed DSD and her mum easier.

Good luck to you all, she is lucky to have you.

[pickyourbrain]

I guess she seems your place as 'home' now. That's why she isnt missing the other house.

[WeirdAcronymNotKnown]

Pinkbraces I agree it has to come from the child. Custody battles of any sort are stressful, and so although DH dearly wishes his DCs could live with us, he's not going to put any pressure on them. They would feel terrible. They know that they would be welcome if that's what they wanted but we aren't going to force them into leaving their mum as they'd feel guilty.

[2blessed2bstressed]

Ok, just to ask again for more advice.....dsd and her friend got caught shoplifting in town yesterday. Cry for help? Just wanted the make-up? Something else?
I am so worried that I'm getting this wrong

[Anushka11]

good morning! My DD was caught shoplifting around that age (by me! She did not hide the evidence well, lol). I did 2 things- made her return the stuff to the shop in person + apologise (embarrassing!) and gave her more pocket money, obviously after some time had gone by.
I think it was both a cry for help- she had a bad time with my Ex, nasty piece of works-, but also she did steal something she felt she really needed, which I had said she did not need yet,and had dismissed, so I had not listened. And she was trying to fit in. It happened 3 or 4 times, but then stopped on it's own accord. She is 17 now.

So, mix of the two, I should guess. And, I guess, it does get them attention- either from their mates, or from their parents (mother in this case?).

I'm very impressed by your attitude and care towards this girl, btw- she's lucky to have you.
We all play this parenting thing by ear, and fly by the seats of our pants- don't worry too much, you can't do more then give your best!

(we continue to get mindgames from DSC mother, as well. WHY?????)

[Diggs]

Sorry , i dont agree . I dont think a 13 year old should be allowed to decide where she lives on a whim , and i think her mum and dad should have had a proper conversation about this before you said yes to her . I think the mums been undermined in this situation .

[WeirdAcronymNotKnown]

I guess that depends on the child though. We certainly would let either/both of our DSDs live with us if that's what they wanted - because we know they would really mean it, they wouldn't take that decision lightly. They always put their mum's feelings above their own, so if they got to the stage where they wanted to move out, it would be because they really needed to to save their sanity I think!

[2blessed2bstressed]

Well Diggs, the trouble is...is that her mum was so upset on Monday night that she was glad to have her daughter away, to give them both a chance to calm down. In an ideal world, obviously, calm and considered discussion would take place before every decision but that's not always possible.
Dp and I aren't trying to undermine anyone, just do what's best for his dd. Are we managing that? I don't know tbh....but we are really trying.