My DSS HATES me

[finnbarr]

My DSS (14 nearly 15) confessed to his sister (13) that he doesn't like me, never has and is planning to move out to live with his friend so he doesn't have to make his dad choose between us.
I cant help feeling that this is attention seeking rubbish.
Yes, we clash hurrendously sometimes.
He moved into our house just over a year ago after a big fall out with his mom, and I have continued in the same vein discipline and level of expectation as his mom.
I just don't know what to do...I try to talk to him, we watch a few tv programmes together and I know he's a teenager and I am the easiest focus for his anger/resentment/general teenager moodiness, but I am at a loss as what to do.
My feeling is that if he really disliked me, he would have said something to his dad (my DF...six months to go before the big day!) already and he hasn't.
When DF and SS are together and I am there, SS agrees with everything DF says and has no opinion of his own, and a little teasing turns into SS ganging up on me with his dad...taking it too far (DF intends it to be teasing - SS takes it too far)
I love this boy. He is lazy and uncooperative and an idiot sometimes but I love him. When we get on, it's great - we laugh and joke and he's a great boy. Mostly I am so worried about him and his attitude toward me. I am unsure what his intentions are and what he thinks he is going to acheive. I am so upset and confused by him at the moment.
I have asked to talk to him tonight, and he has said no.
Sorry it's a long one, but I am so hurt and lost by his actions. He's told me that I am not part of this family and that I never will be...

[Buda]

Difficult one. And I am sorry - you sound so sad about it.

I would say part of it is that he is a teen boy. And as you rightly say you are an easy target.

You seem to be doing all the right things. And I have heard of parents whose 'blood' children (for want of a better phrase but I know it sounds awful!) say that their children hate them or don't like them. In fact a mum at school yesterday who I don't know very well but thought they were a normal, loving family, was almost in tears about her 17 year old son and his behaviour and attitude.

And I distinctly remember hating my Dad at this age too. We are very similar and clashed a lot and I hated him. Told him that too on numerous occasions.

I think I would concentrate on just letting him know that you love him. REally big up the things you like about him etc.

With the teasing going to far - your DF needs to be on your side on this and start to head it off BEFORE it gets too far.

[JeremyVile]

You cant control how someone else feels about you.
He's entitled to not be fond of you - what do you want to do, force him to like you?
If his attitude to you causes genuine problems then address the problems as they occur but it sounds like - apart from niggles - he's actually pretty respectful (the moving out when he can so as to avoid a dilemma for his dad).
You dont have the right to dismiss his feelings as 'attention seeking rubbish'.
Re the teasing - you need to take that up with your DH, he's the adult.

[finnbarr]

When we got engaged, the first three people we told were the SC, and checked they were ok with it. They were all over the moon and very happy for us, etc. He was the most happy out of the three of them!!
We had an argument...namely I told him that I didnt think it was appropriate for him to be watching an 18 film, and he turned round and said "Don't see why you care - you and dad didn't even ask my permission if it was ok to get married"

The teasing I can take most of the time - except when SS steps over the line/hits a low blow. Then DF does step in, but I am more and more defensive over the whole thing that I dont tolerate as much of it as I used to.

Feel like it's me, and I should just DETATCH DETATCH DETATCH but it is SO hard when he treats me like a piece of crap and he's living in our house. I know that's mostly a teenager thing.
It was his sisters birthday yesterday and he'd agreed to go and spend the night with his mom and his sister. He turned up at our house at 1800, saying 'she didnt want me there'. I spoke to SD and she apologised to him. But he refused to go. DF stepped in and told him to go...at which point he said "F**K the pair of you"....

It IS attention seeking a lot of the time. I know it probably sounds harsh, but this is a boy who has played and manipulated every single relationship he has within his family and I honestly do not think he would carry out his threat to move out, as he would never get as easy a ride as he does with us. I am as hard on him as my parents were on me - and I don't think that they were particularly.

I'm just SO hurt that I have found this wonderful man that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with and this boy is driving a wedge just to see how far he can push it (it feels)

[Buda]

He is a normal teen boy by the sounds of it. He WILL push buttons. He WILL overstep the mark. He WILL take offence where none is meant one day and be fine the next.

Teens DO attention seek. They think the whole world revolves around them and they can be right drama queens! He has a ready made target in you as 'the wicked step-mother'.

Can I ask why you wanted to push him to go back to his mother's yesterday? Just interested. He came back in a mood as something obv happened. Not sure why you would push him to go.

[finnbarr]

I didnt push him. His dad did.

From what I understand, as it was his sisters birthday he offered to go over there and stay the night.
Instead of going straight back to his moms after school he spent two hours in town with his mates, was defensive when his sister asked him where he was (they were waiting for him to eat her birthday tea etc) She got upset and sent him a sarcy text, which basically said "Thanks for making the effort for my birthday. don't bother now."
IMMEDIATLY followed by "I'm sorry, that was out of order, can you please come round?" Which he only did after he was told to by his dad.

[finnbarr]

In the two years I've been around he has always kicked off, made an argument or something on everyone elses birthday.

[JeremyVile]

Two years is still early days isnt it?

Tbh, I dont really see what the problem is. He just sounds like a normal teenager - annoying and selfish at times but nothing our of the ordinary.

You say you feel a wedge is being driven between you and dh, then perhaps the problem is between the two of you? I just dont see that this boy is doing anything out of the ordinary.

[finnbarr]

I was kind of after a bit of support on the whole "you're not alone" thing. This boy sits between us on the sofa. Walks in and demands to know what we're talking about.
2 years may seem early days, but I met the kids within 2 weeks of getting with their dad, because we both knew this was going to be long term and wanted to make sure the kids liked me.
Obviously I'm just being a wicked step mother who hates her step son??

[JeremyVile]

Eh?
Who has said or even implied that?

I dont see how it would help to have everyone say 'yes he sounds a horror, how awful for you'

He sounds normal, sorry if it grates to hear that.

[redfairy]

Err..yes, he does sound like a horror but very normal to me going on how my 'Bio-son' has behaved in the past. I know it doesnt make it any easier but I think the whole step mum thing just gives him one more thing to be angry at.

I do think he may need a chat from your DF closer to your wedding though if he has a tendency to try get the spotlight on him by being badly behaved.
At his age you probably may not ever feel like true family to him so aim for next best thing instead.

Teenagers can be incredibly hurtful and I do feel for you.

BTW, has he had any input into the wedding?

[Buda]

Well I wouldn't have said you were a wicked step-mother who hates her step-son but it does sound like you don't like him very much at the moment.

He does sound like a relatively normal teen compounded with the whole getting used to a new woman in his DF's life at a time when he is beset with normal teen angst, selfishness and hormones.

It sounds like you and your DF fell hard and fast for each other? That might well have been hard for your DSS to deal with. Does he get much one-on-one time with his Dad?

I think the best thing you can do is to detach a bit as you said yourself earlier. Try not to take it all so personally. Make sure your DF stands up for you with the teasing etc. And remember he is just a confused and perhaps angry teen.

[finnbarr]

We've asked him to be head usher, which he has accepted.
We invited him to come and see one of the venues we'd fallen in love with. We wanted the kids input into the wedding, (DSD is bridesmaid and DSS2 is page boy) so have always invited them to view things, to help make decisions (cake trying for example)
...DSD has helped chose the bridesmaid dresses, had ideas for hair for her and me, has offered to sing at the wedding...He refused to come and see the venue, isn't bothered about coming and having some input in the grooms men suits. I haven't particularly pushed this as I appreciate that it's probably hard for him to see, but the atmosphere in the house is awful!!

[finnbarr]

Buda, I make sure they have a movie night/boys night once a fortnight, whether I go out, or they go out.

But you are right, at the moment I dont like him very much, and I hate myself for saying that. I love the boy, but I don't like the way he is at the moment. I really really hope that this is just a phase and he'll get out of it soon!!

[Buda]

I would hazard a guess that your average teen boy will be as interested in wedding preparation as the man on the moon so I wouldn't worry about that too much.

Have a look at the threads in the Teen section here to see what others are going through with their teens. It might help you see that his behaviour is fairly normal and not necessarily directed at you.

And detach a bit and breathe! Staying as calm as you can will help.

Easier said than done I know!

I think an awful lot of parents would say that although they love their teen they don't like them a lot of the time!

[Ormirian]

"I'm just SO hurt that I have found this wonderful man that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with and this boy is driving a wedge just to see how far he can push it (it feels)"

"I am just so hurt that I had this wonderful father that I love and this woman appears from nowhere and has driven a wedge between us" ?

I have a 14yr old DS and he is very volatile. His dad makes him weep with rage at times - they clash but DS isn't ready to take DH on as yet. I think it's hard to understand how much sheer emotional heat teenagers feel.

[speakercorner]

OP, I think you should tell your DF to stop the teasing completely because it doesn't feel good anymore.

It's fine not to like your DSS that much - it's fine not to love him. Just let go of your need for him to approve of your marriage. He probably has very complicated feelings around it, and these may well subside in time.

[BigHairyLeggedSpider]

Finbar, I have two stepsons and what you are describing is normal boy behaviour. It's not because you're stepmum. It's just harder to recognise and deal with because you are displaced from them by blood. I used to get really angry at my stepsons, thinking they were acting up, but it was just them being children. Cut him some slack, breathe very deeply and do some stuff with him alone to build up a relationship between the two of you. Invest as heavily in the relationship with your stepson as you do with your partner, as you are in a relationship, albeit in a different way, with all of them.

When you most feel you don't like him, is the time you need to spend time with him. Be patient with him and yourself. You are both in a difficult position. I'm utterly speaking from experience, I've been right where you are, and I probably will be again! My two are doing fine right now, but they've been, and they will be at some point, difficult. I'm probably very difficult for them too. However, they've wormed there way into my heart separately from DP, and I into theirs. I mean, first I had to get on with them, and now I really love them. That faking it until you feel it thing really works.

Good luck, and keep on posting.