Need strategy for being a good stepmother and not feel like crying all the time!

[zakka72]

I have two step children, one is a boy (17) and the other is a girl (11). Both children would rather be at their mothers rather than at mine and my DP's house and tbh the son is rarely here anyway. Whatever I do whether it is cooking, ironing, cleaning, making beds, giving money/lifts, taking them for meals out, it is never appreciated. I have paid for them to go on holiday before and while I do not expect a pat on the back for everything I do, I do not expect to get treated like dog poo while on holiday!
When it is mother's day I take the girl out to choose (and buy) a mother's day present for her mum and the same for Christmas and birthdays. However I am not even acknowledged on mother's day and the son does not know when my birthday is. Today, their dad got an easter egg but only because I texted the son to make him buy one. Naturally I did not get anything.
I have been told by the boy in no uncertain terms that I am 'nothing to do with him' and the daughter seems to enjoy making snidey comments and when she is here she completely controls what we watch on television, what we have for meals and what we do. If we do anything she doesn't like (ie going for a walk or a bike ride) her attitude is terrible and makes it not enjoyable anyway.
I don't feel like part of the family and feel like it is a 'them and me' situation. It is very difficult to speak to my DH about this as he takes it very personally and I end up bottling everything up. I feel like crying most of the time but obviously do not want to show my weakness.
I have just read this message back to myself and it sounds very petty and silly but without listing every single incident, all I can say that I don't relish living like this!

[WinterLover]

I cant help with the step-parent situation of teenagers as my DSD is only 5 however they sound like normal teenagers to be honest.

Im sure someone will come along with better advise but I'd suggest you let them sort themselves out, ie not remind DSS about presents/easter etc he's 17 (I know from my brother that unless mum or I reminded him about anything he'd forget (its the male genes ).

With DSD id suggest reminding her 'Its mothers day/christmas - if you need to go shopping let me know' and then wait for her to ask you to help her.

Regarding the cooking etc just do the basics - meal on table and thats it.

Oh and enjoy your time with DP

[WinterLover]

Oh and get them to make their own beds - lazy sods!!

[tvoffnowplease]

This is just horrid you poor thing. My advice would be to stop blaming the children and expect more from your partner. he should be encouraging them to appreciate you and treat you with respect.

[tvoffnowplease]

And also realise you can't ake people love you if they don't. I know that sounds harsh but it is something I have realised recently with my DSD.

[allnewtaketwo]

OP I think the only way to deal with this is to 'detach'. With the best will in the world, your DH wont at this stage be able to teach them to care about others. He can correct their behaviour if this is out of order, but that is totally different from being able to mould the attitue of a child that doesn't live with him.

Over the years I have despaired at DSSs inability/unwillingness to remember DH's birthday or to think about even so much as making a card for birthday or fathers day. I buy the cards, presents, wrap them and often actually have to nag DSSs to bring the present downstairs to give DH.

If my own child was that thoughtless I would be ashamed

[tvoffnowplease]

Can your partner get mor e50/50 access with the younger one? More opportunity to mould them the way he wants?

[ladydeedy]

I feel for you, I really do, and know what this is like. Dont give yourself a hard time - and as others have said they are being normal teenagers but yes, your DP should be the one helping mould them and having them treat you more kindly. However, as previous poster has said, maybe step back and let them do (or not do) some things themselves rather than prompting them. Please dont let it get you down - concentrate on doing some nice things for yourself. And if you want to go and do some things on your own on a weekend when they are due to visit (like see a friend, go to cinema, get your hair done) then take the time to do so and treat yourself.

[Lasvegas]

I have totally detached from my Skids, 14 and 12, they do not behave in a way I expect from my DD nor in the way I behave, ie thanking people for gifts, saying thank you for having me etc. It is the way they have been brought up and after a few years I realised there was not point getting upset and I have emotionally and as much as possible physically distanced myself. I now leave cooking, entertainment etc to DH, and try and be out of the house as much as posible when they are visiting.

[theredhen]

Tell DP you are starting to feel resentful towards DSC because of all you do for them and you want to enjoy their company. Get DP to do the cooking, stop doing DSC ironing, both are old enough to do it themselves, and if not, DP can do it, leave their beds unmade and close the bedroom door, if they don't clean up after themselves, tell them they won't be getting lifts from you or access to your money.

Make a point of getting a DVD or recording a film, and say you are watching it at such and such time and DSD can either join you or find something else to do. Ignore the negative attitude as much as possible, my DSS is like this and my own DS can do this too - it's attention seeking sometimes, so don't panda to it.

I think, if you don't show them yourself that you deserve to be respected, they simply won't learn it themselves - you have to teach them.

Your DP also has a role in all this, but like so many Dad's it sounds like he doesnt' want to upset his kids by expecting them to be respectful.

Some of the behaviour you describe is normal teenage / pre-teen behaviour, but it does sound like you are trying hard to please them and then feeling very rejected when they don't seem to notice or care.

Take it from someone who has got the T shirt for "being nice" that sometimes you have to be nice to yourself first!

[NanaNina]

Hi Zakka - huge sympathies. I am a step mum too but thank god they are grown now with their own families. However I spent many unhappy years trying and trying with my SD but she always rejected me. I think the people on this post who say they sound like "normal" teenagers are missing the point. Yes teenagers are a pain, but when they are our own, it is different, we might be peed off with them but it isn't the same as step parenting teenagers. There is another thread called "should I take a deep breath" - there are some good posts on there - many people going through similar things. I have added some comments but all this was going on for me 40 years ago, but I have never forgotten those awful years.

I just never liked my SD and I suppose she knew it. I don't think it's part of the human condition to be able to love or even like our step children and then there's the Disney dad too (got that off the other thread) that caused huge problems for us.

Have a look at the other thread - no one knows how awful it is to feel like this till they have been through it. I didn't like myself for disliking a pretty little girl but I did and she grew into a stroppy teenager but thank god moved away with her mother so we saw much less of her and see nothing of her now - but that is another long story.

Be kind to yourself. You are just being human.

[NonnoMum]

Sounds normal tbh.

How did you and DP get together? If you used to sneak in to the marital home to have lunchtime shags on their mum's bed, they might not take to you that much...

[NanaNina]

Nonnomum - I think your post is offensive and the allegation that you make is completely without substance. I have reported it to MN

[allnewtaketwo]

NonnoMum - are you 12?

[theredhen]

Oh for gods sake, not all step mums are husband stealers!

[Northernlurker]

Nonnomum isn't making an allegation - she's asking a question and actually she's right - if the op's relationship had started during the marriage then that will make the step-parent relationship all the harder.
Tbh though I think it's just teenagers. My sister was not involved in the breakup of her husband's first marriage. They met years later and his daughters now admit that they were very, very difficult for her to handle and they did things on purpose to hurt her. She just gritted her teeth and kept on. They will never ever admit what they owe you - so if you're looking for thanks forget it - it's just not going to happen.

[allnewtaketwo]

"she's asking a question and actually she's right - if the op's relationship had started during the marriage then that will make the step-parent relationship all the harder" - but to go on threads randomly maken suppositions is a bit silly. Bit like me going on a relationships thread and saying "well if you're a raving lunatic/alcoholic/control freak it's no wonder you have relationship problems" - all with no foundation or basis whatsoever

[Petal02]

Assuming that all stepmothers were the cause of the first marriage breaking down, is like assuming that blondes have more fun and that all redheds are fiery. Lots of us met our husbands AFTER the divorce !!!!

[Northernlurker]

Yes lots meet after the divorce and lots don't. A substantial number of step parents are involved in the breakdown of the original family. You can't generalise either way - and neither can you expect children to not mind if that is indeed the case.

[NonnoMum]

Yes, it was a question.

HOW you got together will greatly affect how your step children feel about you, and will do for the rest of their lives.

Not an accusation at all.

And speaking as a stepmother to one resident and one non-resident (nearly) grown up children.

They don't remember my birthday, but I do get Mothers' Day cards. I know plenty of teenagers who forget their parents birthday.

Actually, the growing up needs to be done by stepmothers who think that it will all be plain sailing.

[allnewtaketwo]

"Actually, the growing up needs to be done by stepmothers who think that it will all be plain sailing."

Nonnomum, do you also go onto other parenting threads and tell non-step parents that they should grow up and should have known it wouldn't have been all plain sailing?

[NonnoMum]

No - but I'm saying that a grown woman who is surprised that another woman's children don't automatically love and adore and worship her for the simple fact that she is hooked up with their Dad shouldn't really be that surprised.

In fact, the OP sounds like she is doing pretty well:
they come round to hers
they go on holiday with her
they communicate with her

And, then behave like normal, unappreciative teenagers...Sounds like pretty age-appropriate behaviour (11 year old not wanting to go for a bike ride/17 year old out all the time)

[allnewtaketwo]

I didn't see any women on here surprised that DSC don't love adore or worship them. The posts I saw were referring mainly to acknowledgement and an iota of good manners

As a teenager if I'd not had the good manners to thank anyone for a gift, I could probably have expected some pretty harsh words at the least - it just wouldn't have been tolerated. It wouldn't have done me much good in the long-run if my parents had just taken the attitude that bad manners were 'age-appropriate behaviour'

[aLegonEachCorner]

Stop this, RIGHT NOW! P L E A S E !!

Listen, you are trying too hard. Stop with the gifts/cash/excursions/holidays/WHATEVER!

You are just you. You don't need to do all that stuff. Welcome them, provide a clean, friendly environment for them to visit. Feed them. Ask for some support (on basic good manners) from you partner. That's it.

My steps vary in attitude. One is lovely. The other totally indifferent to the point of rudeness (but not just with me, I must add). We all have to make a big fuss of her birthday/achievements/outfit and yet, Xmas/birthdays/father's days come and go......and there's not even so much as a "Happy Birthday" never mind a card. My son is 8. On HIS birthday, she walked past him in the kitchen and didn't even say "Happy Birthday"...... I feel sorry for her. How horribly insecure she must feel to be so utterly self centred and unkind.

I do what I ought (as a responsible adult). She is made welcome. Conversation is pretty non-existent but then, I am led by her. If she wants a few words, I'll happily stand and chat.....if she ignores me I just think "hey ho" and let her get on with it.

It STILL hurts but bugger me, life's too short to be held ransom by my SD.

The other one, is a delight by the way.

[Smum99]

This is not about teens - this is about poor behaviour and your DP's parenting ability. Honestly why should a step parent be treated any worse than another family member. If they acted like this to grandparents, aunts etc would he tolerate it.

No parent should allow children to be disrespectful and have bad manners. I have 2 teens and would not allow this.

If these were your own teens you migt get bad behaviour some ofthe time but not always. I would ask your DP how he would feel if your children did this to him.....Bet he woulnd't be hanging around, putting up with this.

Please stand up for yourself but it isn't your job to parent his children, let him do that!!

[NanaNina]

Brilliant post legoneachcorner (strange nickname though!)