Not enough room and want our own baby

[MissLaRue]

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

[Littlefish]

How often do your dc come and stay?

For at least a couple of years, the baby could sleep in a travel cot in your room when they come to stay.

Sometimes a Futon bed is smaller than a single bed, so alternatively, you could put one in the 3rd bedroom for one of the DSC and the other one could share with the baby.

I think it's really unfair of your DP to even consider not having his children to stay. You need to find a way around this, even if it means having a sofa bed in the sitting room which you and he sleep on when they come to stay.

[Petal02]

If the step children don't live too far away, then surely they could still have a good relationship with their Dad, without the need for overnight stays? Or AIBU? I've never understood why 'access' seems to involve so much overnighting. My parents split when I was small, we used to see our dad at the weekends , or go for tea after school. We never stayed overnight at his house, it didn't seem to be the done thing back in the 70s, but we still enjoyed seeing him.

[Littlefish]

Petal - My concern would be that the step children would see that the arrival of the new baby meant that they were no longer as important. Why shouldn't the children be treated as fairly as possible?

[bonnymiffy]

I'm currently 32 weeks pg with DC1 and have a DSS aged 9. There's really no need for stepkids to feel pushed out, it all depends on how you manage the situation. We've done all we can to get DSS on board with being an older brother, and he is really excited about it! We have a 2 bed house, the baby will share with us to start with, and then with DSS when s/he gets older. I have already said to DH that I will resent someone who lives with us part time having a full time bedroom, when the child who will be with us full time won't get one... I admit that doesn't make me sound like the nicest person, but I'm still human. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want it to work, then you'll find a way.

[Petal02]

I take your point. I was just going on my own experiences. We didn't overnight with our Dad as it wasn't practical, and when mum met her new husband, he had children from his first marriage, they didn't do overnighting either - all the children in the equation lived with their mothers, but still spent time with their fathers and it all worked out ok. I don't think any of us would have wanted the upheaval of split residency. I sometimes think everyone gets too hung up on the idea of a set amount of nights per week at a different address, as sometimes it just isn't possible. and quite often the children don't want to be carted about between two houses.

[colditz]

petal - why the hell should the resident parent take on 100% of the responsibilty for the night times? Having children is a joint decision. I'd be extremely pissed off if my child's dad said to me (in essence) "I can't be bothered with overnighters any more because I've got a new baby. I'm just going to be Uncle Daddy to these two now, they can have day trips."

You'd sentence the resident parent to no nights out/off ever. How selfish! No overnights is not parenting, it's daytripping.

[Petal02]

As I said, I am commenting on how I was brought up. I was happy, the arrangements I described worked for our family. it was just one suggestion of how things could work for the OP.

[colditz]

yes, it could work wonderfully for the non resident parent, and the children would probably be ok with it too - what about the poor mother who never gets a night off because daddy decided to have more children than he could house?

[allnewtaketwo]

"You'd sentence the resident parent to no nights out/off ever. How selfish! " -

lol, I live with DH and have a 2yo and I have no nights out/off ever

[expatinscotland]

'My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room.'

Wow! He sounds like a real catch. I can't for hte life of me think why anyone would consider having a child with someone who treats their kids like this. You sound like a better parent than he is, he sounds like he can't be arsed to find a workround and you can.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Could you have your baby in with you for the first 6-12 months and then put a futon or 3/4 bed in the small room for one of your dsc and the other one (depending on whether baby is a boy or a girl) can have a futon/bed in the big bedroom with your baby.

My dd and dsd have bunks in the larger bedroom and my ds has a cotbed in the small room.

There are ways around it - honestly. Don't not have your dsc's overnight and don't not have your own dc/s.

[expatinscotland]

'lol, I live with DH and have a 2yo and I have no nights out/off ever'

Yes, I live with my DH as well and have three kids and have no nights out or off. But I live with my DH. Not alone.

[allnewtaketwo]

expat surely it's a bit of a generalisation to suggest that all/most pwc's live alone

[Ragwort]

Well said expat - I cannot understand why some women want to have babies with men who are clearly such useless and uninterested fathers ......... what do you think has changed OP that will make this man a better father to your baby ? ......... fast forward a few years and this could be your precious child not seeing his/her own father.

[colditz]

grrrrrr living with your husband is SO not the same as being a single parent.

It really isn't. At all. In any bloody way.

The only adults I speak to from 3pm at night until 9am the next day are here, online, via type, unless my boyfriend is visiting me, and until I had a boyfriend, I had nobody.

I needed to go out. I needed to see my friends. I don't mean to the pub, or for meals, I mean ANYWHERE that wasn't my damned dining room chair! Luckily, my sons' father still has them overnight but there was a long period when he was Daytrip Daddy and it was the most isolating thing i had ever known.

[colditz]

Of course resident parents live alone IF the non-res parent won't take the children overnight - how are they supposed to maintain a relationship in it's early stages if they can't date at all because Daytrip Daddy bred himself out of his own capability?

[expatinscotland]

Just as much as it's a generalisation to assume that because you live with you DH and don't get nights out/off, nor should anyone else.

[allnewtaketwo]

Really don't get your reasoning that resident parents must live alone just because the non-res parent doesn't have overnight access. What a bizarre thing to suggest. I think you're projecting your own situation onto the entire PWC world at large

[colditz]

I explained my reasoning quite clearly. Sorry you didn't 'get' it.

[Petal02]

Plenty of perfectly good non resident fathers don't do regular overnighters, due to work commitments. Again, speaking from experience, both my bio father and step father were in the forces. Ever tried setting up an access rota which accommodates o/seas postings, night shifts ,and being 'on call' ?

[ivykaty44]

well how do you start a new relationship if you don't get nights "off" when the dc are with their other parent?

Actually curious as to how its done?

OP I would think long and hard about starting a second family with this man, if you really haven't got enough room for a baby as well as the two living children arleady part of your family - then should you wait? Possibly until you can muster up more room? Or until possibly the dc of the family ar a little older and choose to do other things with their time.

What would happen goodness forbid if something happened to the RP and she was taken into hospital or worse died? What would you do with the dc then if you had a baby and not enough room?

[MissLaRue]

Well I'm sorry I seemed to cause a few upsets. I only wanted to see how it worked for other people. Yes i do want to have babies with him even though he said his DC won't be able to sleep over then. Thank you to those of you who offered advice. TBH the kids hardly use their room other than to sleep in every other week so I think the footon idea would work. I wanted some advice really as I don't know anyone else in the same situation. Bonnymiffy, I like your point of someone who doesn't live here full time shouldn't have a full time bedroom. I agree in the sense that they spend the same amount of time at their grannys than they do here and that arrangement works fine. Sorry for the arguments

[colditz]

It's only my opinion, but I think men who can't look after their own children overnight are pathetic.

[colditz]

A futon would work ok, but what about when they hit puberty? they are boy/girl, yes?

If you can't fit a real bed in the boxroom, how about a blow up single bed? They are much smaller than 'real' beds.

But seriously, how could your partner not think that they won't feel replaced if they suddenly can't stay overnight because he's had a new baby!

[Petal02]

Colditz, if a man can't have his children overnight because he's on a Libyan bombing run, or on standby at RAF Lossiemouth or dodging bullets in Afghanistan, or if he's a doctor on call etc etc - would you still consider him pathetic? lots of respectable professions don't fit in with school runs and access rotas.