Absolutely sick to death of DSD's vile mother

[Namechangearamanama]

I am at the very end of my patience. We have her every saturday and every other Sunday as well as on a tuesday and a thursday (...yes that's right, HALF of the time not to mention that it's 3/4s of the weekend time)

This is great, it's fine. I'd rather she was here where she has consistent rules and boundaries and where discipline doesn't go from laughing at the bad behaviour one minute, to a slap round the face the next.

What I object to is the fact that EVERY saturday we have a list of things she needs. Now, I know a 12 year old needs a lot of stuff. I have a 4 year old and she needs a lot of stuff too. But her mother doesnt work, we both work. We have a mega busy working week. Why can't school shoes/ tights/ make up (yes, make up), shampoo/ ingredients for cooking class etc etc be bought during one of the many many hours her mother is sat about on her arse??! WHy must our weekends revolve around going in to town (where I work and don't desire to venture every weekend as well as week day) trapsing about spending money we don't have on these things?!

We pay 15% of my DPs salary to her mother (no allowance for the fact we have DSD half of the time) AND we have to buy everything DSD needs because her mum chooses to work 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job.

I am sick to death of the whole thing. She tells DSD that her dad is tight and only pays her the bare minimum which is obviously untrue. She also tells DSD the reason they are poor is because she has to look after her and therefore can't work... even though DSD goes in to town after school on the days she is with her mum and hangs around with her friends until about 6pm.

I took to DSD immediately and love her very much but it seems that with every second I resent her more and more, and it's not even her fault she's done nothing wrong...

The woman is a lazy good for nothing vile piece of bile and I just don't know what to do.

[Namechangearamanama]

Oops, every other friday too.

[Bewunce]

Sounds hard.

For the sake of your dsd, and your family harmony, and your sanity, you need to find a way to completely separate her mother's actions from dsd.

If you have her half the time you are as much of an influence on her as her mother is, and it won't be long at all before dsd realises for herself that the things her mother is telling her are not the truth.

[Namechangearamanama]

God, I hope so. For our sanity and our wallets!!!

[CarGirl]

I would start by paying the correct amount of maintenance - or does she only stay over one night per week?

I would also get your dh to sort out that you will happily buy her things but only on x day - so Thursday when she can meet you in town or something?

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

Detach yourself as much as you can from your DSD's mum behaviour and actions- You will start feeling a lot better soon enough. It's not easy but eventually you do get there. I've wasted so much time being resentful and it didn't make me feel any better in the end.

As CarGirl said, sort out the right maintenance as she seems to live a couple of days every week at yours - Time is on your side, DSD will find out soon enough that her mum is talking BS.

[Namechangearamanama]

Any tips on detaching pegs ?

She is actually with us equsal nights to at her mums, but more physical time is spent here on account of the weekends. I don't think he should pay her any maintenance but as she holds the benefit book she can claim it, even though she is here more than there. He can't pay her only the correct amount as per the CSA guidelines because if he did then DSD wouldn't have food etc at her mothers house because she refuses to work any mor ethan 16 hours a week and also beleives se has the right to a good car, house in a nice area, nails, hairdressers etc etc; I mean, I would like to beelive that everyone has the right to those things, I don't begrudge someone having a nice standard of living, but at the moment we're trying to tighten our belts so we afford to take the kids on holiday/ get a deposit together for a house/ save for DSD's uni fees etc and yet all our money is going on the things that DSD's mother should be getting for her.

With the salaries we earrn we should be paying in to pensions/ saving uni fees/ owning a house etc etc but we can't get any of this stability for us or the kids because we are in effect running two households and supporting DSD twice over... she has a full house here which is the only way we would have it, it's her home, but having to buy two of evrrything is just being painful.

I supose in a way I wish DP was tougher, but in another way, the way he supports his DD is one of the things I love and admire about him.

We have tried limiting it to one day that we buy things for her but there is always something urgent that comes up on a saturday.

[CarGirl]

It can't be equal nights as there are 7 nights per week or do you mean she does 7/14?

Seriously I would reduce the maintenance, use the calculator - you paying out for all this stuff and feeding her. If your dp doesn't put his foot down it's going to carry on and on and on.

If she refuses to feed her dd then that is neglect and perhaps apply for her to come and live with you? Remember as well as maintenance she is in receipt of child benefit and child tax credit for your dsd - you would probably be better off financially if she lived with you and she would have an emotionally healthier environment.

I am on your behalf!

[Namechangearamanama]

Sorry, 7/14. 3 one week, 4 the next.

Thanks for the it feels good to talk about this. Only name changed so I could be specific about some things.

[CarGirl]

Honestly I think your dp needs to grow a pair and adjust the maintenance if she complains about the cost offer to have dsd move in with you - I'm sure that will pull the rug out from under her feet.

[Smum99]

I get your anger - we have a similar siltuation, DSS asks us to buy school uniform, haircuts etc as his mother says she can't afford it. Oddly the lack of funds for school trousers doesn't stop her having a brand new car for herself and a new car for her partner. This is not about hardship - DSS has told us his mother has said on ocassions - I could afford to pay this but I won't. I just don't get the attitude and selfishness but count myself lucky that I would never threat my children like that.

I think you do have a case to adjust the contributions - could he propose cutting the amount to the assessment level and then saving the rest for DSD's future?

[fairystepmother]

It's up to you if you apply to the CSA to reduce the payments or not (personally I would), but whatever way, stick to a fixed amount and do not move from that amount. Learn to accept that amount and budget the rest of your lives around it so that you don't have to think about it ever again.

Then instead of spending money here and there on your DSD, give her a fixed allowance too. A fixed amount each weekend that you can afford to give her. Tell her this is to fund everything from her makeup and clothes to her bus fare into town (if she wants to go she can pay to go herself). Tell her the only thing you will pay other than this is her food and that is it. Then see what happens - I would bet that once you hand over the responsibility of money to your SD she will suddenly learn the value of it. It's certainly not a lesson she's going to earn from her mother from the sounds of it!!

At 12 she is old enough to get the bus to town with friends. You don't need to be her chauffeur - let her go on her own. She'll probably also appreciate the responsibility and trust you've given her by allowing her to do this. It means you can have a day to yourself without traipsing around town with her.

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

CarGirl is spot on. I know from experience that dads act out of fear most of the time. he's afraid to rock to boat and upset anything already in place.

In our case, DH , learned the hard way that the most he gave, the more Ex wanted. He has to draw the line. When /If she kicks up a fuss all he has to say is: I'm sorry you feel this way but I am doing what is right for my DD. He doesn't have to suppport his ExW's lifestyle, he has to support his daughter.

Detaching- it's taken me a while (been with DH over 6Years now) to master this but once I saw the light, there was no way back. One eye opener was when I realised I spent most of my talking time releasing my frustration about her. People can only annoy/hurt/frustrate you if you let them. I've decided flat out that I would do my absolute best for both DSDs & DD, enjoy DH & be who I am -the rest, I would turn a blind eye and ignore all comments related to me by the girls. I have been so very much happier since.

I have a few ' responses in a tin' for any comment/accusation related to me by my DSDs ( they have stopped now, because of the above)
-Everyone is entitled to their opinion, doesn't mean they are right
-it's okay to feel the way she feels, I hope she feels better soon.
-I know I'm doing a good job looking after you, I'm sure if ExW has a real problem with me she will come to me and chat, as most grown ups do.

All of the above with plenty of for tough weeks

[Namechangearamanama]

Thanks, I think detaching is the best thing. Will try harder. I like the idea of giving her mum the basic CSa amount and giving DSd spending money to manage herself.

Maybe when shes a couple of years older that will come in to play. I don't think DP will ever reduce the amount though to be honest. For some reason I think he still feels responsible in some way. She's done a good number on him over the years, i'll give her that... not that it's anything to be proud of on her part.

[thinkingkindly]

OP, I think the best way to detach the anger from the stepchild is to realise that DP is choosing to do certain things here - such as paying over-the-odds and prioritising DSD's needs over everyone else's. He doesn't need to do this; he chooses to. I think you need to work out what you want to do about the expenses etc, and then thrash it out with him so that it is fairer.

[CarGirl]

I too think your dp is being the enabler here. You need to have a frank discussion that you just cannot afford it anymore. Remind him that his ex will be getting child benefit and CTC for his dsd whilst you are paying more than 50% of her day to day living expenses and then he's paying maintenance on top.

I would do it as part of larger budgeting conversation.

At 12 your dsd isn't too young to have an allowance - you need to be clear about what it covers. Presumably you will still be forking out for underwear, school uniform those sort of essentials - the allowance covers everything else.

The cost of living is going up and up supporting his ex is no longer a luxury you can afford tbh.

[Namechangearamanama]

She gets £30 for luxuries too, of which £20 goes on her phone.. something needs to change huh?

[theredhen]

At the end of the day, the ex wife is asking for things and getting them. She will keep asking won't she? Does DP moan to you and then just get the things anyway? Makes you feel powerless and like you don't have a say and this in turn makes you feel resentful?

I agree that he is the enabler in all this and maybe you need to stop blaming her so much and detach?

Too many parents with care see the ex as a babysitter and a wallet, if the ex then does as he/she is told, what does that teach the child?

I'm not having a go at you, but take it from someone who has recently had a re-think on what goes on in my home, that I am not going to waste my energy making DP feel better for the choices he makes because he refuses to stand up to his ex.

[Namechangearamanama]

Thanks for the honesty, its really helpful.

I suppose I just want to support DP and not add to the nagging he already experiences from his DD and ex. Ever since I met him Ive wanted tomake him happy and I've never been the type to tell people what to do as I think you should be able to make your own decisions, but right now, I'm out of patience.

I guess another problem is that the other child in the house is mine, not his. And he earns more than me as well. I can support myself and my DD and I don't want it to come across like Im telling him what to do with his money - if that makes sense...

He's by nature not a money orientated person, it's his view that it's 'just money'
I'm the same in a way, I'd give my last penny to either of the girls; DD or DSD. But I can't get away from the feeling that I'm working my arse off while the ex has the life of riley.

I suppose at the end of the day, I wouldnt trade her life for mine for ANY amount of money. I know I have the better life, part of me just thinks 'be greatful'

redhen any more advice? it seems you have reached a place that i need to be in...

[Namechangearamanama]

Sorry MJ, DSD gets £30 for luxuries, that's like her pocket money. £20 of it goes on her phone.

The make up thing is ridiculous. Her mum worked for a while on a make up counter and hads taught DSd that anything less than MAC or DIOR is bad for your skin. I know, I know, it's daft.

The thing is, DP feels that withhis income (circa 50k) DSd should be able to have the odd bit of Dior if she wants it. He and i want her to have a privilaged lifestyle, and if it weren't for the fact that the ex had so much of the household income, DSd could have these things.

[Namechangearamanama]

It's like what should be our family's 'play money' is going towards the basics for the ex. So we all have just the basics. It's unfair which the amount we work.

I also have aguilt whenever I treat my DD... because DSd always does a sad face and asks why she hasn't got something too.

It's horrid. My DD (5) is supported by me, we never had any money for the first 2/3 years, so now I've reached a higher level in my career, I want to be ableto spoil her a bit without any guilt

[StickyProblem]

Couldn't you say "You've got your mum to buy you things"? I don't remotely mean it in a harsh way, but eyeballing small kids' presents and asking for something whenever they get something is not really a nice habit.
Surely a 12 year old would understand that small kids get toys etc and generally get more presents, because as they grow they need different toys/equipment to stimulate them to learn.
Or you could say "She doesn't spend £20 a month on a phone". You are totally entitled to buy things for your DD if you wish.
BTW I earn a bit (not much) more than your DH and Dior makeup is IMO out of my price range. I hope she doesn't lose her makeup as often as I do!
Good luck with it all.

[Bonsoir]

The issue you've got here is that there is no budget for the shopping list your H's exW writes weekly for your DSD. As others have said, it is now time to give DSD an allowance and to teach her to use it properly. It must be made clear to your DSD's mother that the open-ended shopping list era is over.