Hello all. New to Mumsnet and thought I would poke my head round the door!
I'm a SM to a lovely 3 year old SS. Have been in his life for just under a year. Spent the first six months of my relationship with his Dad out of the picture for SS as I wanted to respect his mum's wishes and only meet him when she was happy for me to. DP and I are getting married in 6 months time.
It's been good to read about other peoples experiences and although I know I'm not the only SM in the world it's good to see that some of my feelings are not unnatural etc.
I dont have my own kids yet and there are times I feel like a bit of a pretend parent because I spout off all this stuff about the best ways to do stuff when I've never had any actual experience. We have DSS two days a week at the moment, every Sat (unless we have to swap for a Sunday if there is something happening) and every Weds afternoon.
I met DP a couple of years ago when he was still with DSS's mum. We became good friends, I was with someone else who I'd been with for 6 years. I was getting to the end of my tether with my relationship and he wasn't happy in his and we talked a lot about stuff, suggested things to each other to try and help improve our respective relationships etc. Down the line I fell for him but I kept schtum about it as I didn't want to come between them. I ended things with my partner and eventually he ended things with her. Not been happy for a long time, way before DSS came on the scene or I'd even met DP. We eventually got together but Ex always thinks I'm the one who took DSS's Daddy away and despite everything DP does for her and DSS it's never enough.
I know exes are often a big pain in the arse for SM's and SD's and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on maintaining some kind of amicable relationship with the ex? At the moment we are financially strained with the sheer amount he pays to her every month (way over what he is legally entitled to) and I recently lost my job. Also there is a matter about babysitting where she asks many times in a week for him to go over there and look after DSS (basically sitting in her living room and going up if he wakes up like a regular babysitter would do) and she flies off the handle if he says he cant babysit. I appreciate she feels like as the primary parent she has to do everything and needs to be able to go out from time to time and have a break - which is fine, but it's every week, several times a week and we dont get to go anywhere as we cant afford to go out. She thinks we have the life of riley with no responsibilities but it's not like that.
Their arrangements are private arrangements, no courts involved. They weren't married. I know she is still upset and punishing him for not loving her anymore and leaving, but I find it sad that she cant see past all that to see how much he is trying to be a good Dad and wanting to be there for his son and still helping her out whenever she clicks her fingers.
DP's parents split when he was a kid and they worked things out pretty well. They even said to him at various points - 'When are you going to stand up to her?' Feel a bit sick of walking on eggshells all the time around her and that there is never any consideration for how he is feeling. He had a bit of a breakdown when he decided to leave because it was such a hard decision to leave his son, not her, but his son. He means the world to him and I feel sad that she cant see that.
Sorry for the huge rant!
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5 replies
Woozlemum · 31/03/2011 11:25
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