Newbie

[Woozlemum]

Hello all. New to Mumsnet and thought I would poke my head round the door!

I'm a SM to a lovely 3 year old SS. Have been in his life for just under a year. Spent the first six months of my relationship with his Dad out of the picture for SS as I wanted to respect his mum's wishes and only meet him when she was happy for me to. DP and I are getting married in 6 months time.

It's been good to read about other peoples experiences and although I know I'm not the only SM in the world it's good to see that some of my feelings are not unnatural etc.

I dont have my own kids yet and there are times I feel like a bit of a pretend parent because I spout off all this stuff about the best ways to do stuff when I've never had any actual experience. We have DSS two days a week at the moment, every Sat (unless we have to swap for a Sunday if there is something happening) and every Weds afternoon.

I met DP a couple of years ago when he was still with DSS's mum. We became good friends, I was with someone else who I'd been with for 6 years. I was getting to the end of my tether with my relationship and he wasn't happy in his and we talked a lot about stuff, suggested things to each other to try and help improve our respective relationships etc. Down the line I fell for him but I kept schtum about it as I didn't want to come between them. I ended things with my partner and eventually he ended things with her. Not been happy for a long time, way before DSS came on the scene or I'd even met DP. We eventually got together but Ex always thinks I'm the one who took DSS's Daddy away and despite everything DP does for her and DSS it's never enough.

I know exes are often a big pain in the arse for SM's and SD's and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on maintaining some kind of amicable relationship with the ex? At the moment we are financially strained with the sheer amount he pays to her every month (way over what he is legally entitled to) and I recently lost my job. Also there is a matter about babysitting where she asks many times in a week for him to go over there and look after DSS (basically sitting in her living room and going up if he wakes up like a regular babysitter would do) and she flies off the handle if he says he cant babysit. I appreciate she feels like as the primary parent she has to do everything and needs to be able to go out from time to time and have a break - which is fine, but it's every week, several times a week and we dont get to go anywhere as we cant afford to go out. She thinks we have the life of riley with no responsibilities but it's not like that.

Their arrangements are private arrangements, no courts involved. They weren't married. I know she is still upset and punishing him for not loving her anymore and leaving, but I find it sad that she cant see past all that to see how much he is trying to be a good Dad and wanting to be there for his son and still helping her out whenever she clicks her fingers.

DP's parents split when he was a kid and they worked things out pretty well. They even said to him at various points - 'When are you going to stand up to her?' Feel a bit sick of walking on eggshells all the time around her and that there is never any consideration for how he is feeling. He had a bit of a breakdown when he decided to leave because it was such a hard decision to leave his son, not her, but his son. He means the world to him and I feel sad that she cant see that.

Sorry for the huge rant!

[IThinkImANiceEx]

Hi there. I am an ex and would definitely like to stick up for us exes as we aren't all monsters! I want to have a good relationship with my ex and his new wife, but am being hampered by them. According to him, she has no interest in meeting with me and he makes it clear that she is very much on his side.
I have a boyfriend and when he bitches or snipes about my ex, I ask him not to. I need his support, but I know that I am not always right and I need him to challenge me, if that makes sense, not to always agree with me. And I want and need him to respect my ex, as the father of my children.

Anyhow, as an ex, I would like to meet with you in a friendly way. To say hello and to show that I have no animosity towards you. I would want to get to know you as you are going to be spending so much time with my kids.

Things that will annoy me:

• If you buy horrible clothes for my kids and send them back to me wearing them.
  
• Spending money on shoes that don't fit (ok, talking from experience here!).
  

Also:

• I will never know if you do this, but please don't think I am out to get you, or to make trouble for you. Why would I want to upset you or him?
  
• There are two sides to every story. Your husband isn't always right and there is probably more history between them, than there currently is between you.
  

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[Woozlemum]

Thanks - its funny how we both responded to each others messages!

Since the outset of our relationship I've always tried my best to help out, to not be all 'God, your ex is so horrid' etc. She isn't horrid at all. She is upset, frustrated and at times in denial. I always ask after her when he has been over, if she is ill and we've looked after DSS for her.

I met her before we got together, and it was fine, but that was as DP's friend not as his partner.

I've never wanted to try to replace DSS's mum. I just want to be another person in his life who loves him and cares for him. Defo dont want to be a wicked stepmum ever!

I see the struggles my DP has to appease his ex, the times he cries himself to sleep because he misses his little boy, the times he comes back from hers so wound up because she cant ever see things from his point of view.

:) I certainly try not to buy vile clothes for him, ask him to ask her what shoe size he is if we buy him shoes or slippers!

It is tough at times being a stepmum, trying to think what is best for everyone and at times being last in the list after everyone else. I know his ex was very perturbed about the thought of us being out and people thinking I'm his mum. I also find that hard going, especially when people say things like 'Why dont you ask your mummy and daddy if you can have that...' and I have to quietly explain I'm not his mummy. It hurts to do that at times. It's tough seeing things on TV about babies and have my DP say things like 'Wow, nothing beats the feeling of holding your child for the first time' and I feel so very low about not being a real parent and not having that.

I never thought I would be a stepmum, but I wouldn't change it for the world. He is lovely little boy. I never ever bad mouth his mum, generally anyway, but always encourage him to make things for her (like mother's day cards, birthday cards, valentines cards etc) and when he talks about her I say things like 'What a lovely mummy you've got to have looked after you so well when you were ill' and things along those lines. He is not a pawn in a game, he is a wonderful child who needs to be loved.

I guess sometimes I just want to understand what is reasonable to expect from a father without letting emotions get in the way. And how to deal with situations in a calm way without it causing more problems.

He feels like such a failure, worried that he is either being a pushover because he wants to have a good time so that it's not seen as being not fun to be at daddy's house, but at the same time not wanting to be seen as him having all the best bits - to have the pants parts of parenting, the stresses and strains. He never wanted to be a part time dad at all and it's a bit sad that she seems to think he has been desperate to not have the responsibility 24/7.


Fingers crossed things will get easier in time.

[fairystepmother]

Hello - your account of your situation was very similar to mine! I could have written the exact same thing 5 years ago.

I was friends with my hubbie before we got together. That fact was always seen as 'evidence' by my SS9's mum that I must be the reason their marriage failed. It's nonsense - we were only friends and got together later but she would never have it....

As for the over payments - oh yes we went through that too. In my case it was Dad guilt for leaving. We only got over that one when my OH got made redundant and I point blank refused to pay her for him.

The babysitting I think you need to tackle - the idea of my OH sitting in his ex's house would have bugged the hell out of me. Is there any reason why he can't babysit in your house? Speak to him and see if he can switch to a situation where she drops your SS off if she wants to get out of an evening. Same way she would if someone else was baby sitting for her.

[Woozlemum]

We can only babysit in the evenings at weekends - which we do from time to time (like tomorrow night!) but have said we cant really have him overnight on weekdays as the time he has to be at pre-school doesn't really work out with DP going to work etc. He already has a flexible (to a point) working week to ensure he can have his son on Weds afternoons, and wouldn't go down well at work if every week he was in late some mornings because of having to take DSS to pre-school. She wouldn't like me taking him, and I know he wouldn't like to wake up in the morning with neither mummy or daddy about.

I dont mind him being over there, I just know that he doesn't really like it. He's not getting to really spend any proper time with his son. Sometimes he goes over early to bath him and put him to bed, but she takes over and does it anyway, or DSS gets stroppy and wont let him do it. (DSS is sometimes very clingy with his mum.)

We've suggested to her to always have two Weds a month where she knows she can go out and he will babysit, and that any other times she needs to ask and then not be shitty if he cant. He also does one Monday a month and probably maybe one weekend night a month. She goes out every Thurs, and her parents sit that evening. She just said he should drop everything, cancel any plans he has to do it. She says that as she has to look after their son all the time he should do anything and everything she asks.

Most of the time she is fine and reasonable and they get on ok, but it's things like this that make life a bit difficult.

We cant really afford to keep paying her so much each month when we cant save for anything, yet she has plenty to spare each month. She gets very upset if she finds out we've bought anything for our house, yet she has just bought a lot of stuff for hers and probably we're paying for that. Ultimately we want to move to a bigger house so DSS can have his own room (at the moment he sleeps in our living room/or our bedroom when he stays over - so not ideal) - but there is no way we can do that with how much he pays her. When DSS gets older the novelty of sleeping over at Daddy's house wont be so ace anymore without a proper room :(

[Woozlemum]

I must add that as DSS is 3 he has to be in bed by about 7ish so having him over at ours when she goes out isn't really ideal as she usually doesn't come back till about 11-12 - so would be unfair to wake him up to take him back home. Although they only live a few mins away from us, it's still not very fair on him!

Plus not nice to have once or twice a week super late nights babysitting when he has to be up super early to go to work. He really doesn't cope well with being so tired!