Fed-up

[RhiRhi123]

I don't know what to do. My DSS behaviour at school has been an issue for quite some time. He's not the most placid child and often flies into rages and punches out at my DH. He has been excluded from school 4 times this year due to behaving like this towards his classmates. There was some post waiting when my DH and I got in from work. (we travel together) I picked it up and realised it was a letter from the school. He opened the letter out of my view and then was shuffling around with our post and said it was just bill from the wholesalers (he's self employed) we get these most days so he obv thought it was a good cover up. I asked him what it was to give him the chance to tell me. I knew that it was from the school and he was lying. He's currently in the garage so I went though our pile of comunal post and found the letter and read it. It says that due to a serious incident involving DSS that was discussed over the phone (again no mention to me) and due to the fact that he's already been excluded so many times he is now being put into part time education for the next 3 weeks starting school at 9 and finishing at 12! well for a start his mother works full-time and so does my husband and being self-employed and due to financial circumstances he can't possible take every afternoon off. An arrangment has obviously been made between my DH and his ex about all this and I have been told nothing. I don't know whether to confront him about reading the letter or not.I'm fuming about the fact that I am his wife and he has lied to be about it. Please advise!

[RhiRhi123]

DSS is 10

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

Seriously he has lied to you but personally I would keep stum . All you are going to achieve by confronting him is another argument ,whats the point . What will it achieve . He obviously thinks you will have something to say that he dosnt want to hear and thats why he hasnt told you . Say nothing and see what happens you knowing isnt goiny to change the part time school thing . As long as he dosnt expect you to look after him then say nothing . Best of luck .

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks coffee I think your right. I'm going to have to say nothing. He's doing the worse thing though as it will come out at some point someway or another and how does he think i'll feel then a few weeks down the line knowing it's all been going on behind my back? i'm just waiting for the bill from his ex saying we have to pay for half the child care fees (I presume thats whats going to be happening) we'll see what he tries to pass that money off for!

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

just let him hang himself with enough rope he is going to do it. Think about it you can have loads of rows everyday about the same thing ,you will feel like poo because you are rowing . Try and look at it from an outsiders point of view . What can he logistically do about his son . The thing you are rightly getting upset about is that he hasn't told you . So the only one who can make you feel better and calmer is you . He knows he hasn't told you maybe to himself he can justify it by thinking well I haven't lied to her I just haven't told her . Bide your time on this . Watch and wait . It will all come out in the end . Where in the dickens does he think DSS is going to go every bloomin afternoon . I know he is in the wrong here but think about it he is just trying to avoid another row . I bet he will or has had a few heated discussions with his ex wife .And then he will have you rowing with him . Bloke cant win really can he . So watch and wait because sure as hell he will be feeling bad about not keeping you up to date with the situation with DSS that's if he has any moral fibre. best of luck .

[glitzy]

Im the opposite, I would have to say something (not good at keeping things). I hate it when my DH does this (though he isnt good at keeping things quiet either so it doesnt normally take long for things to come out). I find it more frustrating that things are kept from me, than the actual issue itself. If you bring it up, and talk about it in a calm manner, would it not ease some tension between you both?

[glitzy]

surely if the bloke cant win, by having the OP on his side, that will make his life easier. Whats the point of watching and waiting for him to hang himself, its not a game! He has no choice about what is happening, why not make it a little easier by being understanding?

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks glitzy. I feel like i want to say something because I feel something should be done about it. It's like my DH is burying his head in the sand and if he doesn't tell me it's not 'really' happening. I feel that DSS should be punished in a way that will start becoming effective for his own benefit. Being excluded from school 4 times since September you'd think he might have learnt by now. It means that he'll come here at the weekend and he'll have his usual playstation etc with no consequences for his behaviour and my DH won't be able to discuss it properly with him if i'm around hence DSS will never learn. This is why it doesn't stop as nothing gets done about it. I'm also worried that if he possibly have a row about something else that i'll spit it out and it will all end up ten times worse. However I know that if I confront him he'll only say it's my fault that i went through his post. I only did it as I knew he was lying!
DSS has a child minder that picks him up from school and has him for a couple of hours untill his mother picks him up so I presume the childminder will do this just from 12pm. I've worked it out that the extra cost will be around £300. I'm finishing work in 2 weeks time to go on mat leave so it's the last thing we need.
DSS will love it apparently he plays playstation with his childminders Bf money well spent there (my DH doesn't get a say in which one he goes to) so if he's doing a morning at school and then doing that all afternoon he'll be having the life of riley. Again though i'm just assuming as I don't actually know whats been arranged

[glitzy]

There is also the problem that if he does discuss it with DSS then he would have to tell him not to mention it around you - an even bigger can of worms.

Can you not sit down with your DH and just casually suggest a "regroup", tell him you feel like you are being excluded from things, and as his DW you dont want to feel like that, that you want to work as a team. Tell him you know something is going on, but that you want to help him with it instead of cause him more stress about it?

[RhiRhi123]

Exactly then that will cause loads of problems as it's not like we can rowdiscuss it in front of DSS.
I've already tried that as he has 'forgotton' to tell me before about these types of things and i've said quite calmly that It upsets me that he won't talk to me about it (yet i'm expected to cook clean and clear up after DSS when he's here) and he promised he'd tell me in future then it happened again. The CSA payments went up by £100 a month and he didn't tell me so I flew off the handle that time and he said he had already told me (he hadn't i think i'd remember something so significant) then he PROMISED again and now he's done it again. I might just go out for the whole weekend and he can deal with it all. Then he might realise can't pick and choose when he wants me involved.

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

Glitzy I think by "being understanding " the op will somehow get flack from her DH . So best say nothing and see what happens .

[glitzy]

but wakeup, surely that way they are both just stewing and waiting for things to happen, a very stressful way to live.

RhiRhi, maybe flying off the handle the last time was not the best way to go (though I understand why you did), im guessing he is not discussing things with you to avoid it again. Maybe saying either a) you will do nothing for your DSS, and all affairs etc regading him are nothing to do with you, and your DH tells you nothing (like he is currently doing) or b) you will continue to help your DH in rasing his DS, on the condition that you share everything. Then its up to him?

[Smum99]

Hi, I think your DH is putting his head in the sand, ignoring the issue, he knows that there will be a cost to your family (more money or just additional worry) so he's avoiding the confrontation. Not really a grown-up approach and I hope he gets better at dealing with parenting issues when your child comes along.

What is behind your DSS's behaviour? 10 is quite young to be acting like this so I would be very worried. Is anyone one helping him? Does he see a counsellor? Has your DH ever attended parenting classes, your DSS needs firm boundaries and being a disney dad isn't going to help DSS.

I would have to mention it as it's such a major issue. I guess you will have to be very calm and rather than vent about the issues (& impact on your family, which I guess your DH knows) try and suggest solutions. If your DH sees that you are on the side to get a resolution he's likely to open up to you.

I feel for the poor kid however, he may enjoy the playstation time but only because he doesn't understand the implications of being out of main stream school. What is happening now will impact his whole life unless it is turned around.

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

but Glitzy this is the third time he has withheld information to the OP . He promised before to be truthful and tell her . Yet again he didn't so whats the point if he is going to do what he wants anyway . Save the row and be calm when he eventually does tell you . Just a thought does DSS live nearby as in your area and are they expecting you to look after him . And smum I do agree that 10 is still so young to be so disruptive . Another thread on its own I would gather as in why the poor thing is heading down a very rocky road so young .

[RhiRhi123]

Thanks for your help. He's always been a bit like that. He's a worrier and he is probably not telling me so that he doesn't have to 'worry' about what i might say about it all. He is very much the Disney dad which I can't stand and I have told him that we won't be raising our DD in that way and i'm hoping that by seeing that my DH will start to realise that children can actually benfit from discipline.
It's hard to pin point what is causing this behaviour as there has been problems at school on and off for the last 2 years or so. my DH and I have been together 3 yrs and his mother has been with her partner for around 4 yrs. I Could understand if it started when he found out about the baby or when my DH and I got together etc but it didn't.
He just seems very angry all the time. My DH and his ex were only together for a short time and split before he was born. Obviously this isn't an ideal situation but DSS hasn't had to go through the break up or anything like that there has always been an access rota in place.
Sometimes he can be really sweet and I think he's a good kid really he's just 'troubled' but then he goes completely the other way and I don't understand how a ten year old can be so abusive.

[RhiRhi123]

Unless it comes out in the open I don't think he ever will tell me if he can avoid it. I'm not sure what DSS mother's relationship is like with her BF so maybe he sees them arguing I don't know. She is a very difficult woman and blames all DSS's bad behaviour on my DH when I'm not really sure why as being the main care giver she has more influence.
No they live about 40 miles away. My Dh and I travel up this way everyday to work so she may well expect my DH to be able to pick him up which isn't possible. However i'm sure the next few school holidays whilst i am off work the ex will use this to her advantage so she doesn't have to take the time off work. I don't mind the odd day but with a new DD I don't want to be put in that position as I find it too stressfull. He won't listen to anything I say i'll say no he'll do it anyway.