Still persona non-grata

[LittleMissStuffit]

I wonder what the f**k I'm doing here....

Married lovely man 2 yeas ago, after 4 years of long distance relationship. He was 3 years post divorce from a woman who's affair ended their marriage. The affair was 4 years before I met him. They have kids who are 17, 21 and 22.

The eldest is lovely and accepts me for what I am. their dad's new wife and can see that we are happy together. The two younger ones make it very obvious that I am absolutely nothing in their lives.

When they visit, they're made very welcome. I do this (now) for my DH. I just feel that our relationship (with his kids) now and for the future, is utterly futile. One of them only speaks to me when absolutely necessary and the other one often greets everyone else (on arrival) and walks past me, like I'm not there. My husband noticed and corrected them. In telephone conversations, I'll hear my DH saying "yes, so and so is Ok, work's OK, the cat's OK, uncle-tom-cobbly-the-world-and-his-wife's-OK" and there's never any mention of me. I don't exist.

I'm sad. Like I say, I think it's just about the fact that I'm here, at all. I think they'd be like that with another lady, if it wasn't me.

My DH and his ex do not speak. Not so long ago, the ex would (given the opportunity) have gotten back with my husband but he declined any invitation to meet up and discuss it as he explained, their relationship ended with her affair. We then started to plan our future together and I moved 100 miles to be with him. I love him and he tells me I am the love of his life. Shouldn't I just be content with that knowledge?

And yet....I don't think I'll ever be wanted in this.

My DH jokingly says "Nah.... they didn't ask after you!" because to say it seriously is horrible. But, I'm not laughing.

[ladydeedy]

Difficult but hold your head up high and enjoy your relationship with your DH. One out of 3 of the kids being positive towards you is a bonus... It must be very hard though. Dont try too hard and be kind to yourself.

[Abip]

Hi littlemiss. I am going to get flamed for this but here it goes.

Be thankful they arent a bit younger and living with you. Imagine all this animosity with you 24/7.

My dss who lived with us has just moved out for many reasons. Not working, not getting up, not doing chores, shit attitude towards me and dp.

I am now like you. The dsc's come maybe once a month and one is rude and discourteous. The others dsc's just waltz in like they own the place .

Yes, it drives me bonkers, even though I do love them. I hold on to the fact that its only when they visit and not an everyday occurance anymore.

You are more than entitled to feel extremley pissed. But my advice, let it be water off a ducks back and think of how it would be if they lived there 24/7

good luck

[ladydeedy]

and to be fair one could receive this kind of behaviour from your own children. A friend of mine has 3 children, one of whom will have nothing to do with her and treats her so badly for no reason that anyone can fathom. So that can help put things in perspective sometimes...

[eileenslightlytotheleft]

My exp's mum died when he was in his 20s. When he was about 40 his dad remarried - she was a rather lovely lady with kids of her own and her own property. They had this great time together travelling the world and generally enjoying life. My exp and his three siblings didn't warm to her at all, never bothered to get to know her and were always a bit suspicious of her (for no apparent reason). I was a lot younger than exp (mid 20s) and didn't have much interest in a lady in her 60s so I didn't make much effort either.

When I look back now (40s) I am really bemused by their lack of interest in her and general discourtesy. And a bit when I think of the little effort that I made There was just no reason for it - and no reason at all why they shouldn't have been happy for their dad.

I think there is sometimes an underlying stroppiness and jealousy in sons and daughters towards the new partner - they would rather have their parent to themselves. All you can do is rise above it. Your DH is quite right to correct outright rudeness, but can't do a lot to make them like you.

[lateatwork]

Its frustrating to be cut out and not acknowledged by a large part of DH life, but concentrate on the positives. The oldest child probably had to mature pretty fast when their parents split, so is maybe gald to see his father happy with a new partner. The younger two maybe didnt have to bear much of the burden of the split... so just dont get it and expect it to be all about them.

I say, keep doing what you are doing. Its a wonderful feeling being the love of someone's life...

[LittleMissStuffit]

Ladies....you speak wisely.

And yes, it's lovely being the love of someone's life.

EileenSlightly...they don't exactly dislike me they are just utterly indifferent, I think. I am of no interest to them.

Lateatwork...I reckon the eldest did bear the brunt of the break up but I also think some of it is just basic personality traits. The eldest is a naturally warm and engaging person and the others, well I can't really comment, I only ever see their indifference. In fairness, the youngest wanted (naturally) mum and dad back together again and I put paid to all that.

Abip....I don't love them. I just don't. I love their father. When I greet the eldest and say goodbye following a visit, I would spontaneously give her a hug. The other two would actually, physically recoil, I think!!

Magicjamas.... sound advice! Hmmm, can't imagine my DH and my relationship would have stood a chance had they been younger. Certainly, his youngest would not have allowed it.