how having a baby changed my feelings about step kids

[RLCMOM2]

I feel guilty even typing this but i could use some advice or maybe just a sign that im not on my own in feeling like this.My hubby has 2 kids and we all got on fine until i had a baby (my 1st)and since then i have distanced myself from the kids further and further, it annoys me when they are around because they demand constant attention from their dad, (they were like this before but worse now and its the same with any adult,whether family or not, they are very needy)i find it stiffling and i feel like i have to make plans to get outt he house when they're around, which is ok because they get time alone with their dad which i encourage totally but i just keep myself seperate and i know this isnt healthy for me and my relationship with my husband.
Im lucky that hubby understands and he can see my point of view but i know inside that its not a healthy thing to do, i dread them coming round..im not rude or horrible but i know they must pick up on a vibe from me even though i try not to be hostile, i have a 2nd baby due soon and im worried it'll get worse....i want this to change for all of us.I should probably add that one factor did change when i had baby..the kids mom got rud eand vile to my hubby and made things difficult for us and still does every time we have them round and i get th eblame for all sorts of things so i know thats made a difference but thats not the kids fault...help!

[Rindercella]

How old are your stepchildren?

Is there a way you could get them to engage with your baby? To bond with their half brother/sister?

When you say you get the blame for things, what sort of things do you mean? Is your DH supportive of you? This is probably at the crux of your problem actually and I'm not sure it's something you can easily change.

All children can be annoying at times, but this is going to be a long term thing - your DSC are not going to go away, just like your own DC aren't. Depending on the children's ages, they are probably trying to compete with their new sibling (and each other?) for their father's attention.

I think in your shoes I would try to spend some time with each child again, just on your own and try to re-establish the relationships you had with them before your own child was born. And certainly encourage your DH to do the same - some quality time (I know) on his own with each of them. I cannot stress how important that can be. I bet there are some good things about them - you got on fine once, try and rediscover those things.

Sorry this is all a little disjointed. Just writing things down as I think of them.

[WinterLover]

I can understand your fears, we are such a close family, and I'm scared the dynamics are gonna change when our baby comes along. DSD doesn't get much one2one time with her mum so when she comes to us both DP and I try to do one2one stuff with her. For me it's the bath, hair, getting dressed, she calls it our girly time :)

Why don't you all go to the park one day, that way your starting to do things as a family, but theres scope there to do one2one things and have a bit of a laugh.

[prettyfly1]

RLC this is really common so please dont think you are on your own. Sooo many of us here have felt like times and the person who tends to feel worst about it is yourself. You have recognised it and know you need to try and deal with it which is brilliant!

Would it help to write a list, purely for yourself, of EVERYTHING that really annoys you, no matter how bad it is (make sure it isnt found) then put next to each point whether you think it is reasonable or not and if it is something urgent or not, then pick three to talk to your dp about the two of you resolving.

I think rindercellas point about support may well also be spot on - is everything ok with you and your dp? Could he be doing a bit more to help you? You dont say how old your baby is but it is such a wierd time when they are first born and you can feel completely differently about things for up to a year so if your baby is tiny, tiny just give it a wee bit of time. What time to yourself are you getting? I found that when I had a wee bit of space for me, I dealt with dss much, much better.

[RLCMOM2]

The kids are age 13 and coming up to age 10.My son is 2 and yes i felt worse when he was first born, i guess i hoped the negativity would go away but it hasn't.
Its nice to know im not alone in thinking this and we have tried doing things all together as a family but its difficult because my hubbys two dont get on very well so they argue within mins of being out anywhere and we are just trying out different things.
I do tend to leave the kids alone alot with their dad so they get plenty of one to one and attention but i feel abit like im having to stay away at times and i wont be able to be out and about all the time when new baby is born! I try to see things from their prspective alot as my parents split when i was young and i had a step mom at their age who i get on really well with.

As for things i get blamed for..its by hubbys ex.she tells them i dont want them around now i have my own kids and alot of other horrible things..thats if my husband has to change his plans when he sees them or if a weekend needs swopping and its nevr to do with me,its usually work or soemthing else but i have never once asked him to change plans with his kids because i dont think its fair..She has poisoned them alot and they are very similar in personality to her and i guess when i see them lying and saying things their mom has put in their mouths to my husband it hurts me as i know my hubby does all he can to see them and do things with them that it makes me resent them and their mother which i know is wrong..

I do talk my husband alot about it and i try not to hide anything from him but it cant be nice when his wife doesnt enjoy having his kids around!!so i try to be respectful and reason with myself but i guess im just not ever going to love and care for them as a step mom

[pleasechange]

sympathies OP, it's not easy.

For whatever reason, I've found the opposite. When I had no children and wanted to be out and about at weekends, I found it quite stifling having the DSSs here. But now that we're much more restricted with DS, I find it easier. I think part of what helps me as well is that DS adores his older brothers and loves having them here. Also somehow seeing the fact they're so fond of him makes me like them more as well.

Despite this improvement, I admit that I do still not exactly look forward to access weekends, and heave a sigh of relief when they're over.

What helps me also is taking the opportunity to get out by myself, which is something you don't get much time to do with a 2yo. I don't feel guilty about leaving DH with the 3 of them, as I figure it gives them all time to bond without me getting bored/annoyed. Is this something you could do? Not the whole weekend obviously, but maybe couple of hours each of the days you have them?

It is hard when they're such different ages finding things to do together, I agree.

How does your DS feel about his siblings? It may help as he gets older and hopefully develops more of a bond with them? Do they make much of an effort with him?

[Greeninkmama]

Oh RLC, I do feel for you. I found it much much easier to be a SM before I had my DCs. A lot of that was because, like you, I had been a SC so my sympathies were very much with DSS. I think it is incredibly hard when you have a baby, not least because to DH and all the inlaws s/he is a second one whereas to you s/he is the first. Plus the DH obviously needs to ensure that DSCs feel okay and have as much attention as before etc etc. It's difficult.

I think it can really help to be absolutely consistent about access weekends. This is important because it gives you, the SM, control over your time again. If you are in the habit of changing weekends, it means having to negotiate with the exW and it also means accommodating her if she wants to change. It is a nightmare. After many years of constant changes, we now have a very clear EOW arrangement with flexibility over the hols. ExW was hugely resentful at first, but has now come to terms with a regular arrangement. It is better for all of us (especially my DCs and DSS).

Also, you may need some routines etc to change now that you are a mother. When you are a SM you tend to go with what the DH/DSCs are used to. When you are a mother, you want to put your own systems in place and sometimes those clash. My DSS, for example, never had a set bedtime here. But when I had two small children I couldn't stand him being up late at night - I needed that time with DH, so I instituted one. He and DH didn't like it, tbh, but now it is part of our routine. So much better for me to know that I have a bit of evening time - it makes me less resentful - and actually I think DSS needed the structure.

It's really difficult to just absent yourself from your own home, and as you say, you won't be able to do that when you have a baby. I think once you have two children you have to drop the obsession with special time - it is just to hard to carve up time like that in a big family.

DSS has supper with me and DH on the first night and enjoys telling us about his week. The rest of the time we behave as though he is here all the time and just get on with it. Our kids have also found a way to play together (with all credit to my DSS) so they can amuse themselves as a group. Your age difference is big, but involving your DSCs with the DCs in any way you can is a good idea.

[bubblewrapped]

As for things i get blamed for..its by hubbys ex.she tells them i dont want them around now i have my own kids


I have to say, your behaviour of getting out of the house when they are around is reinforcing that fact to them. Your child is their half sibling, and they need to bond with each other.

Its not easy, but in their eyes, you and your baby are taking their dad away from them, so you have to make sure they are included with you and their siblings when they visit.

[RLCMOM2]

Thank you for your responses, bubblewrapped you are right and i do allow time of course for the three of them to bond and play and greeninkmama i do have an hour or two to myself while they do this and soemtimes just sit and relax and watch them play!I feel selfish sometimes because its not an awful situation im in,,i know theres far worse ex's and step children but i just wanted to hear some views and find out if i was just being horrible and weird for feeling relief when they go home and i get my home back to normal!!

[NanaNina]

You know RLCM what you are doing - you are being human so stop feeling guilty. I am a SM but thank god they have grown and have their own lives and we rarely see them. I tried hard but it never worked. I was young, 3 kids of my own, money tight and DP thinking his kids could do no wrong etc when they came for holidays.

The 13 year old will probably want to come less as she/he gets into the teenage years as they do more stuff with friends etc. Try not to let this spoil the precious time with your own children.

SPing isn't natural - it doesn't happen in the animal world - male lions actually kill the young of the lioness he fancies if he has not fathered the young................so try not to be so hard on yourself, and yes I too felt enormous relief when they had gone and got my home back to normal.

[RLCMOM2]

Thank you NanaNina funnily enough my hubby told me that about the Lions too haha and it made me smile!!Thanks againx