SS Driving a wedge between us

[CountryDweller]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but here goes.
I am both a BM and a SS. I have already brought up 2 DD (from 1st marriage) to be responsible and independant adults who are making their own way in the world. I also have DS, 2 year old (from 2nd marriage).
DH's son moved in about a year ago.
He has taken me for granted from day one, expects me to do everything for him without a please or thankyou (unless prompted), even my DS uses manners in his limited volcabulary.
I know people parent in different styles but surely good manners, pulling your weight when you have a limited list of chores to do, and speaking to people in a civil way aren't to much to ask.
Is it too much to ask of him to tidy after himself, clean the bath/shower, change his bedding once a week, I could go on.
At the end of the day he's driving a wedge between DH and myself, which is exactly what he did to his BM and SF. I'm fed up with the arguements about him, DH says to sort it out myself, but he's not my child. I'm not here to be a slave to him and unless he changes his ways soon I'm sorely tempted to move out with DS.

[shongololo]

how old is he?

[CountryDweller]

I forgot to put he's almost 17, at 6th form, and works 4 hours a week at the weekend.

[harassedinherpants]

Manners and help at 17??? No hope...... lol !

My ds2 was a messy grub and this is what I did:
everything he left lying round the house was fair game for dd (she's now 4), and she pinched his driving license card once and we didn't find for weeks. It was in her till of course!
if it's not in the washing basket it doesn't get washed.
no plates/cups etc upstairs. End of!
put clean sheets etc outside the door and expect it to be put on. If it's not don't worry, sling mattress when he moves out.
shut the door on the mess.

Your dh needs to speak to him about rudeness. That's not on and your ds will start to pick up on it soon. If he won't, then it doesn't matter that he's not your son in my opinion, in your house it's your way.

[caramelwaffle]

You have my sympathies.

harassed has given some sound advice.

[glasscompletelybroken]

My DSC are 10 & 7 and I decided from the start not to be their personal housekeeper. I do 99% of the chores around here but I won't go in their bedroom except to change the sheets. If they leave a lot of stuff lying around the rest of the house I just take it upstairs and push it through their bedroom door - and then shut it firmly!

I know if I start to clean their room I will never be able to stop - they do nothing to help in the house and I am hoping that they will at some stage want their own room to be tidy and just get on with it!

Like you Countrydweller I have grown up DC's of my own and they all helped around the house from a very ealy age.

[CountryDweller]

Thanks for replying, the thing is he has to share a room with DS, so the bedding, dirty washing etc drives me up the wall. Like you say DS will probably start to think thats exceptable.
DH has talked to him about his rudeness, but nothing has changed. To be honest I can't wait for him to go to uni or the forces in a couple (of very long) years.

[shongololo]

Teenagers are, by their nature, selfish and inconsiderate.

Think about linking his pocket money/phone contract/internet usage to his chores.

BUt key to all this is getting your other half on side. No good dad slipping him a tenner if you have taken money away for not doing chores. Both have to be consistent.

I would also....

Show him how to us the washing machine, the hoover, the iron, the drier and the dishwasher. Once he knows, tell him you will no longer do his laundry if his room is not clean and bed not made freshly eveyweek. And then dont do it.

so in other words, consequences for not doing his chores.

No doubt he will be wanting driving lessons and a car in the next year, so why not link chores to driving - you will take him out on a sunday morning if his chores are done. You'll drive him and his friends to te movies if the bed is made and the shower clean.

consequences and rewards will go a long way to helping him grow into a responsible adult.

[harassedinherpants]

Oh in that case he needs to sort himself out! Although I must say if that it can't be easy having to share with such a small person. My ds's always spend a lot of time doing "stuff" in their rooms. What does he do with himself in the evenings?

[CountryDweller]

We have 2 rooms, we tend to stay in the playroom, and he uses the lounge (with the big tv)
It was his choice to live with us and knew that he'd have to share with his little brother.
We've got to the stage now where SS and I don't talk (yes I know its childlike) its easier to do that than listen to the rudeness.
From my view point I think he likes to see people in conflict, he tends to tell tales about his older brother (who is living his own life, in the forces, doing ok ) which then upsets DH.
I feel like the wicked step-mother and wish he was an 'easier' teenager.

[jonesy71]

I cannot bear by DSs going into DSS room and being anywhere near his manky socks etc, the kids just don't see it though do they?

[harassedinherpants]

I agree with Mj (as always), I'd lose the toy room and let dss have his own room. I think the age difference is too great for them to be sharing a room, and it'll also de-stress you as ds's room won't be full of mucky teenage junk!

If you put a tv and an X-box in there you'll soon have your house back!!! Would be worth it, honest.

[CountryDweller]

Well, I have spoken to DH about losing one of the rooms to be his bedroom, that looks promising at the moment.
He has told SS to appologise for his behaviour (still waiting) now to tackle the fact he blocked up the toilet, went out and never tried to unblock it
Thanks for all the suggestions, will keep you updated on progress as and when it happens

[CountryDweller]

Update.

Still awaiting apology, don't think I'll ever get one though.
DH says he's moving out after christmas as he can't stand it any more.
SS can feel (I think) all the tension about the house cause of his unreasonable behaviour, but it doen't faze him .
I feel like throwing in the towel now, nothing is going to change while SS is here as he gets told over and over about about his laziness and does nothing to remedy it.
I have stopped doing his washing etc but he has to be nagged (by his Dad)to do it. DH is a very tidy and clean person and when things get left because I won't run after SS any more he gets moody with me
So free to a good home 1 very lazy, self-centred lad, infact doesn't have to be a good home, any home will do.

[harassedinherpants]

I know he's annoying and doing your head in ...... but he's just acting like a normal teenager. My ds2 just drove me to distraction, so much so that I had to detach and just let him get on with it. Don't let dh nag him about it. He either does it or has to suffer the consequences. He'll soon shape up when he's got no clothes to wear.

I really think you need to explore getting ss his own bedroom sooner rather than later, even if it's only makeshift. Bear in mind, that even at this age and being so much of a "kevin", he will feel the tension but won't know how to deal with it. Boys of this age are still that, boys. Unfortunately!

Sending lots of sympathy and a vat of wine!!

[Suda]

Your DH is moving out do you mean ?? or his son.

If its the former - I would say 'Ere - havent you forgotten something !!'

This may sound strange but a lot of people who know my sorry step-parenting tale of woe on here might agree with me. The fact your DH is saying to you - 'you deal with it' - and therefore giving you a free hand - is a real bonus - trust me - you should really really use it. So many Dads on here - I have christened them lionesses with cubs btw - will just blindly defend their sons however bad their behaviour and you darent say a word against them.

Harrassed,Shongo,Glass and MJ - apologies if omitted any - have all given really good advice - just have zero tolerance and return ownership of any of his mess to him - much easier when he has his own room I grant you.

For example if my adult SS brings a 2 day old plate out of his room and dumps it on my clean kitchen top then goes out - I simply put it back in his room and shut the door. If he or his Dad - which wont happen in your case if he's leaving it to you ! challenge me - then I openly admit it was me and state my reason i.e. - I'm not prepared to wash a plate that you cant be bothered to wash for 2 days - and I'm not prepared to look at it all day on my clean kitchen worktop either - so I put it back - bring it out when you've got time to wash it up!!

If he continues to just keep getting clean pots out of the cupboards - then simply hide them - again if youre challenged state similiar to above but instead it will be - I am not prepared to get 3 days pots out of your room and wash them etc etc but if I dont we'll have no pots left so have hidden them.

You get the picture - just take no shit - it does work and there is always something physical you can do to block this behaviour as above which is just two examples.

But really it is a plus that your DH is not blindly defending him - it really is.

[Bonsoir]

OP - you have my sympathies! I am feeling co-habitation (part time only) with my DSSs, who are 13 and 15, getting increasingly difficult as they have got much larger/dirtier/hungrier without getting any better at looking after themselves (let alone giving their parents a helping hand).

I do clean their room/wash their sheets regularly (when they are not here) as we live in an old apartment block where mice/vermin quickly appear unless it is kept spotless. This isn't an issue. What is an issue is the constant feeding and grumpiness because they don't like the food (not a problem with my cooking, just that they would rather eat burgers all the time) or don't think there is enough of it (they are both big boys and will be overweight adults at this rate). And if I ask them to run an errand/do a chore they systematically try to get out of it - they are incredibly lazy.

I don't really have an answer but am currently thinking of arranging to go out (with DD) a lot more when the boys are here as being expected to service them is driving me nuts!

[glasscompletelybroken]

I try to expalin to my DH that his DC's won't suddenly start to help around the house once they become teenagers if they aren't in the habit of it. I think he thinks they're too young to have to do anything (10 & 7) but I don't agree at all and I think they have to start helping out now if they're ever going to. They literally do nothing for themselves, let alone for anyone else.

[Bonsoir]

Well I have taken action and have decided to go out and leave DP and the boys to get on with it on their own rather than hanging around to service them and be complained at because the entertainments don't meet their quality/quantity expectations.

I have made overtures to female friends who are either single or whose DHs travel a lot.

[Suda]

Will there be wine drinking involved Bonsoir - can I offer my services ??

[Bonsoir]

Champagne. Expensive restaurants (on DP's credit card). Girl-friendly deep-and-meaningful foreign films. First nights of exhibitions. That kind of thing! The more the merrier just no boys .