advice please

[ellie1234]

I moved in with my lovely partner 2 years ago with my 2 children and his 3 children. All of them live with us full time. I was not working at the time but I wuold have looked for work if I had stayed living on my own. Partner seemed to think I could have worked part time if I wanted. I tried to tell him that working at all was an impossibility while we were trying to get the two families to mix successfully. Foolishly I did not make too much of a fuss about it. I appreciated he too was making sacrifices for the family. (Paying rent on the house)
Now my money has run out I need a job and I cannot find one. I have very little money and none to spare for me and my children.
I have been a full time nanny to his children and somehow when we moved in I expected more appreciation than I am getting. I can live without the thanks but what has got to me is the fact that I might have to have my cat put down because I cannot afford the vet's fees. I think if I made a fuss and cried he would pay but I am upset I should be pushed into what would be a manipulative situation. Why cannot he understand the sacrifices I have made for him

[Petal02]

How on earth are you supposed to work when you've got five children at home? You're pulling your weight by running the home and looking after HIS children, so surely he shouldn't resent supporting you financially?

He is not 'making sacrifices' by paying rent on the house, that's just part of life, and surely he'd need to pay rent/mortgage wherever he lived, whether you were there or not?

Have you actually sat down and asked him to help you? You need to work as a team. I don't think he could accuse you of 'living off him' while you're essentially a mum-of-five. It's not like you're child-free and don't want to work.

[ellie1234]

The children are all teenagers, that is why he thinks I can work. Oldest 21 and youngest 15 (though emotionaly they are all a lot younger than their real ages) and strangely the oldest is the hardest work. The hard work comes from them all being needy children who need bucket loads of care attention and listening to. The rent is more because we are in a large house to accommodate us all-though I had a rent free house to live in before we lived together.
He is not a bad man. I just wonder if he is a bit dense. I don't want to leave him. Is there any website, book or even statistics that I can show him to make him reakise how hard I have worked.
Yes I have asked him to help me - he says he will - then nothing happens

[witchycatsmother]

Agree with the others ..... you need to sit down and work out, realistically, what needs to be done so the whole family - if that's what he considers you to be - can live. That means looking at all necessary expenditure, what needs to be earnt to cover that, how that can be achieved and, also, what time needs to be devoted to running the family/household, and how that can be achieved. As you know already, if childcare costs outweigh what you can earn - and he earns more than you and/or doesn't want to be a childcarer - then he may just have to accept that his job is to earn money and yours is to run the home - for now. You are supposed to be a team and I sincerely hope that you and your children aren't being discriminated against when it comes to what's spent on who.

As for your cat, please please don't have it put down. Check if you can get subsidised treatment via the PDSA, or worse case scenario take them to a shelter (appreciate a lot of them are very busy right now) .... or post a home wanted here, or on the CatChat Feline Forum.

However ...... I hope it doesn't come to that, because, presumably, he knows you have a cat, that this was part of the deal when you met, and therefore, vets bills should be considered a family responsibility and not just yours. If he refuses to consider this, and/or refuses to have an open discussion about what can be realistically achieved workwise when you have 5 children (obviously, there are so many factors - their ages, availability of jobs you're qualified for etc) then I too would be considering separation - particularly if he's operating on an "us and them" basis. A "lovely" partner would not see you upset and worried about your cat - or your children for that matter, because "your" money has run out.

[witchycatsmother]

Okay - have just seen your last post. I have to be honest and say that if your youngest is 15 then presumably childcare shouldn't be an issue. Whether or not you "should" be working is obviously something you need to discuss openly with him. If a couple are happy with their individual set up then who else is to say they "should" be doing this or that ? You need to discuss what it is - exactly - you feel is stopping you finding a part time job. If it's the magnitude of cooking & cleaning, maybe ferrying about to and from school/clubs etc for 7 people - all practically adults ... then you need to discuss solutions to that. For example, were you to work - getting a cleaner/ironer, all the kids pitching in and so on. Obviously, it also depends on your local employment situation and your own experience/skills ... appreciate that jobs are hard to find everywhere, more so in particular areas, and that the thought of, say, earning a pittance for a "rubbish" job and then coming home and still having to do ALL household related tasks isn't an attractive option. Guess he needs to reassure you that were you to work, all the things you've done up until now (which, by the sounds of it, may have been taken for granted) will become a shared responsibility. I'd also want reassurance that anything I did earn was combined with what he earnt in a joint pot so you and your children aren't disadvantaged by (possibly) your lower earning capacity.

Please don't think I'm having a go because that many adults must create a hell of a lot of work and I do see that the thought of additional work outside the house must be daunting. However, I can also imagine that - particularly in the current economic climate - he probably feels quite a lot of pressure earning the only income ... and you earning something would be an extra safety net, if, for example he lost his job or had his hours cut.

Regardless of all that however, if your cat is ill and needs treatment it is the humane thing to get that sorted if you possibly can. It shouldn't be about him "helping" you out - it should be about him doing the decent thing for the family pet !

I really do think a serious sit down and talk is needed to determine what exactly you want from each other and whether it's fair/achievable, all things considered.

[ellie1234]

Witchycatsmother. Thank you for your input. No I do not feel you are having a go at me but I do feel you have emphasied to me that the work I do at home is more than just the practical work. What takes up my time is being there for 5 emotionly needy people. The oldest has a personality disorder by the way. Actually felt a bit saddened by your post because I know it is hard to explain what I do and I feel I failed on mumsnet to get my feelings over. No wonder my partner does not get it.
I could list what I do in terms of support for the kids but then it is getting too personal and I would worry I might be recognised.
And yes after two years I do now feel I am in a position to get a job just cannot find one

[Petal02]

I was also going to mention the PDSA for your cat.

[witchycatsmother]

I didn't mean to undermine what you do - and obviously, also understand why you wouldn't want to explain exactly what your life's like in public so to speak in case you're identified. However, I stand by what I said about having an in depth talk, the pair of you, about what it is you expect/need from each other in order to keep your family fully functioning - and hopefully reasonably happily. If that includes a particular sort of support for the kids which you feel is vital to their wellbeing, and which would conflict with you working, then obviously that must be factored in too.

Believe me I know exactly what it's like to look for a job and try to fit in family commitments too ... in my case, when you look at what's actually available within a reasonable distance, what's actually available for someone with my particular skills and experience (unfortunately, in an area which is currently all but dead on its knees), what I can do instead (low paid jobs) and what I'd have to pay on childcare/travel, it's very bleak (i.e. full time hours = practically no take home pay and daughter in childcare which I'd prefer not to do if rewards don't outweigh that). I too have a partner who thinks that because I'm "intelligent", I "should" be able to walk into a high paid job and this has in the past been a huge source of conflict because he just doesn't "get" what it's like right now for 100s of 1000s of "intelligent" people .... let alone when you also have children to consider. I do actually work, in any case, and have done since DD was 2 ... but from home (in 2 jobs !) which often doesn't seem to count for a lot, though the pay is better than I can get right now in a "normal" job. However, I have no pension, no security (well, even less security as am on contract) and absolutely no other perks. It's pretty soul destroying all things considered though DP has shut up for the moment.

It seems here that the way your particular family operates - and what you believe it needs - is at odds with what your DP believes. I'd suggest that that is the issue that you need to thrash out with him - maybe with some counselling if you think he won't listen - so you can both agree a way forward (whether that's together or not). It's horrid to feel undervalued for what you do .... and reading between the lines, am thinking that maybe your DP thinks you're lazy .... or maybe he thinks what you do is "easy" and that you're using it as an excuse not to work (in paid employment - not saying you don't work !). Even if you did describe what you do for your family, it's not up to us to judge you - this is something you and he need to sort out. It's not unknown for men to generally think that women who "don't work" have it easy anyway ... usually because they have no idea what goes on, never do the same things themselves, never have the same responsibility and seem blind to the 1001 things it can take to run a home.

Not saying it's right at all .... but if you do keep finances separate (as it sounds), I wouldn't mind betting that he justifies that because you're "lazy" or "not trying hard enough" (to find a job). Again, all I can do is suggest you talk to him and get to the bottom of what you both think is reasonable, taking into account the extra support you give the kids.

[ellie1234]

Thanks witchycatsmother for a very insightful post.
Of course the answer is to talk and talk some more and for me to get a job !!!
Will post again when I have more time