Telling stepsons about new baby - any advice?

[lucielooo]

DP has 2 sons (12 and 14) who we have most weekends. I am 13 weeks pregnant and we are telling the news tonight.

I have no idea how they'll react, though obviously I hope that they will be pleased.

Had a long chat to DP about it and we currently think the best approach is that 'our family of 4 is now going to be a family of 5' to emphasise that it includes them - it'll be a new brother/sister for them and it's not their dad having a 'new family'.

I think it's important to be positive about it as they might take their lead on how to feel from how their dad explains it to them(or is that bollocks?!) but still want to leave room for them to express any doubts and worries that they have about it.

Any advice from anyone that's been there!?

[DemonChild]

Yeah, I have DSD (8) and DD (9m) and we did it very similar to how you're planning. We used lots of language that related it to DSD, ie 'You're going to be a big sister' and 'When your sister is born...' etc and only used positive terms.

Also, we tried to make sure that lots of things stayed the same (DSD's bedtime routine and stuff that DH and her do together) so that she didn't feel she was being replaced.

She has been great! No jealousy, adores her baby sister, she's been a dream! However, I do think that one of the reasons for this is that her mum and stepdad have also been very positive - we are very lucky in that and I appreciate not every blended family has this luxury. Obviously that one is out of your control...

[lucielooo]

That sounds great demonchild!
Am pleased to hear she has been great :)

It is a good and exciting thing just hope the boys will see it that way. They are very sweet with my niece who is 3 so I am hoping this is a good indicator. The most important thing is that they still get lots of time and attention especially from DP.

If you don't mind me asking, do you think your relationship with DSD had a bearing on how she reacted? I just wonder because I am sometimes a bit unsure about my relationship with the youngest and so I'm worried about his reaction. He adores his dad (they both do) but I sometimes get the impression that I am in the way for him. DP thinks not, so I may be imagining it anyway, but just wondered if anyone has any advice/experience on that?

It's a minefield this step-parenting!!

[DemonChild]

Ummm, she likes me but I come at the bottom of the list I think (DD, Daddy, Mummy, Stepdad, Me )

I am also a little unsure of my relationship with her, and I think she notices, even though I try to hide it, and it makes her more unsure, IYSWIM. I know what you mean about feeling in the way, it took me aaaages to stop running around doing housework and cooking meals (and therefore feeling resentful and angry) and just join in with whatever's going on... But I didn't want to intrude too much on their time together either - it's a fine line we tread!

DD has made things both better and worse in that respect. It's better because I am her sister's mother and so I have a purpose! And DD is another person that we both love, so that has brought us closer. But if it's horrible feeling in the way with your DH, it's a million times worse with your DC - and I can't even escape to the pub now! I just try to remember that she hasn't yet learnt diplomacy or tact and not to take it personally when she says something that's hurtful. The bad side doesn't happen very often though - think 95% lovely, 5% a bit rubbish.

But, biggest bright side is that we really feel like a family now - that bit is great!

[AnitaBlake]

I'm 33+3 pg atm and DSD is taking it very well, so far! She's 3.9 and we've definitely become closer. Again we've been incredibly positive about the whole thing, emphasising her 'big sisterhood' she even suggested giving the baby her comfort toy (but changed her mind lol). She happily snuggles into me now, where even a few months ago, she was quite reserved, I don't know how much is age, and how much is baby tbh, and I don't question it!

It probably helps that in emphasising her 'bigness', and to fit in with how we want the house to be when Jr arrives, we've moved her to the bigger, double bedroom from the smaller, single one. This is mostly practical, as we have a lot of guests and this way I can keep the double guest bed, but she loves her very big bed, and her new room which 'she' decorated and chose the furniture for! Just wish she'd be allowed to see us more oftem without having to do what we'll have to do (go back to court).