Desperately need some morale support!

[Tootingbec]

Hello all out there

Just had horrible evening with DSD. Cut long story short - she is 10, resents my presence, feels threatened in her relationship with her Dad because of me and our (me and DH's) baby daughter etc.

I have been with DH for over 5 years and it has never been easy - he over indulges her and treats her like a princess which gets on my wick but I have learned to get on with it. Generally we tick along ok but in the last few months DSD has become more and more hostile towards me and at times is so unbelievably rude to me I can hardly believe it! My DH tries his best but is rubbish at actually santioning her behaviour - lots of "darling don't be rude to Tooting Bec" etc etc when really she needs a good (metaphorical!) slap...........

Anyway, this evening it all blew up (over nothing) and DSD flew into one of her rages and it all got very emotional. Normally I just let it ride out but suddenly this evening I felt like shit - she kept saying over and over again how much she hated me and how nice her stepdad is.

I feel awful because to be honest I have tried to build a relationship with her but if I am totally honest I don't love her, and most of the time I don't even like her - what if she has picked up on this (despite the fact that I think I hide it!)?

My DH says that it is down to me to build the relationship (which I agree with and have done lots in the past to do this) but they have such an intense relationship that I feel like a third wheel and unfortunately it is a vicious circle - the ruder she is to me, the less I like her and want to spend time with her. I know rationally that she would react like this whoever was with her precious Dad but can't help feeling I have been completely crap as a step parent.

And then I think she is only a child and I should be an adult but I find it so fricken difficult!!

Sorry this is just a rant but I honestly worry that the difficult relationship we have could be the start of the end of my relationship with DH. I can't see a way through this at the moment - I can't be honest with DH about how I feel because who wants to hear "you know what, if I never saw your daughter again I wouldn't be sad?"

Has anyone tried family counselling and was it helpful?

BTW, Ex partner no problem (minor niggles but nothing that affects me) and DSD has happy home life, wants for nothing emotionally or materially.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Lizamar]

No advice here but me and DF have had it out so many times over SS.

[Petal02]

'My DH says that it is down to me to build the relationship, but they have such an intense relationship that I feel like a third wheel'

I don't know how to advise you, but I wanted you to know that I understand totally how you feel about their intense relationship - I often feel like I'm playing gooseberry in our house, so I sympathise with you.

[Oneof4]

Poor you. There's plenty your DH could be doing to let DSD know her behaviour is out of line, and it doesn't have to be overt. When it comes down to it this is as much his problem as yours. A subtle way of getting him on side is to ask whether he can think of practical things you could do to "build the relationship' as he knows her so much better. Puts the ball in his court a bit!

My only other thought is how old is she? Might hormones be kicking in?

[glasscompletelybroken]

I feel like a third wheel too when my DSC are here and also feel like I'm failing as a step-mum and also as a human being. it's horrible and I can't say I've found the answer. I do think though that we try too hard and really we just need to relax and be ourselves. If you know you have done your best - in impossible circumstances - then I think you just have to say "you know what - I've really tried with this but it's not working out as any of us would want it to so I'm just going to step back, stop trying so hard and spend some time doing some nice things for myself" I think the common term is "disengaging" and it's not what any of us start out wanting but you have to give yourself a break. You don't have to be a perfect step-mum - you just have to be good enough. Tell your DH and DSD that you're ready to build a relationship with your DSD when she's ready and until then you'll just back off and do your own thing.

[macadoodledoo]

DP and I have been to couples counselling and a fair bit of what we talked through was in relation to DSC's. I think that the point of counselling is to be honest and from that platform of honesty can come a new shared understanding and a way forward - we did get that way forward, but if I'm 'honest' with myself I wasn't completely 'honest' during the sessions when I talked about my feelings for the DSC's.

It isn't that I hate or dislike them - I just don't know whether I'll grow to love them. I sometimes still find myself 'getting through' every other weekend and then the weekend without them is my treat. Daft really because the weekends with them are fine really and often good/great now.

The point of my post is to empathise with your 'who wants to hear' statement - I agree - and as hard as I tried to be honest, I didn't feel safe or supported enough to say it. I agree that no bio parent would want to hear that...and you know what, I wouldn't want to hear it about my DSC either! I'm protective despite it all! The emotions wrapped up in this step-stuff sure are confusing huh?!

[onionlove]

Hi tooting,
You may remember me as our situations are very similar (10 yo DSD and a baby of our own). I have a lot of similar feelings to you but my DSD is very different, she is quiet, hides her feelings a lot of the time, doesn't talk much to either of us and seems a bit of moody teenage creeping in. I assume her mother (who DH has no relationship with at all) has told her not to tell us anything about what goes on at home so I think she feels a bit stuck as she can't really talk about anything. I think someone posted that it is like a triangle and DH is the point you and your DSD are thrown together because of. Never say never but I'm unsure whether I'll ever have a relationship with my DSD, some of that is to do with her mother and my in-laws and some is her personality, I find it very difficult when children are sulky, even my nephews and nieces.

You are doing your best and as long as you are civil and there is mutual respect I wouldn't worry, she has a lot of changes ahead of her and she will probably love you one minute and hate you the next anyway (isn't that what teenagers are like with all parents). My friend who has a step-mum said when I asked her what the relationship was like "I can't remember much about it, she was polite and that's all I wanted" I mentioned to a friend the other day how irritating I found DH treats DSD like a baby and she said "that's fathers and daughters, he wants her to be his baby forever" and I think she's right as my Dad was a little like that. The dynamic is different when I am with my DSD on our own but when the 3 of us are together it is a bit intense so I tend to do my own thing with my DS.
I echo the words of the other wise ladies on here, GCB hit the nail on the head for me and macadoodledoo is right, it is difficult to be honest, I am fiercy protective over my DS and its only natural. You are in a difficult situation. I also get through every other weekend and cherish the weekends when its just us three.
Anyway tooting I don't really feel in a position to advise as I think I'm probably doing a bit of a crap job, counselling may be helpful for you yourself so you can be totally honest about your feelings. I don't think my DH would benefit from it, I keep thinking that things will change when DSD starts being more independent, maybe getting a boyfriend or some good mates and stops being Daddy's girl, then he will stop babying her so much and the weekends would feel more comfortable.
Hope this isn't too much of a ramble, sending you lots of support and hugs
Onion x

[Tootingbec]

Thanks everyone who replied - ended up having a really good chat with my DH about the situation. He has had a long talk with his DD about being rude to me - framed it along the lines of "don't have to like Tooting Bec but I do expect you to be polite to her"

He has also made it clear to her that rudeness etc will be greeted with consequences i.e. taking things off her, stopping her doing things she likes etc. I will be monitoring his adherence to this - he is notoriously bad at following through with punishments

Anyway, had a MUCH better weekend and my feelings towards my DSD has warmed up - she really can be a sweet girl when she isn't being a complete drama queen.....

So, thanks again for the morale support and I guess this is just the world of stepparenting (combined with impending teenager-dom!)

[Petal02]

Hi Tootingbec, I was very relieved to read your latest post!

[Suda]

Hi Tooting - I am also relieved though only just read this thread - we have also 'met' before on other threads so you know I empathise with you.
One thing I might add - though I appreciate you have deflected current crisis - is this - I think we all wish sometimes we could turn the clock back and nip some of these attitudes etc in the bud. How many times do I and am sure other s/mums think - just when did your attitude to me / behaviour in my home get this awful ? ! It surely must develop over time - its like that saying I have quoted on here before - 'people can only treat you as badly as you allow them to' - and I know for one if I'd had a crystal ball when me and DH met - then as soon as DSS went from respectful - as they very often are at first till they've sussed you out - to being the rude disrespectful little shit he is today I would have pushed him straight back behind that respectful line to never dare cross it again ! Oh for a time machine !!

Just make sure DH sticks to it - pretend you are starting from scratch maybe and have zero tolerance of rudeness etc - like we all should have had from start methinks.

So glad you are ok for the moment but just in case theres a relapse try this for a plan B - I tried it and it really worked.

I call it my Joan of Arc method .

Instead of sticking up for yourself or complaining to DH when DSC is rude in any situation - just remove yourself from it and go off and do your own thing. Now you might think hmmm.. but thats giving all power to the DSC isnt it ? Well yes it is - but if you are really nice and obliging while doing so ( hence 'Joan of Arc } e.g. ' well DH it seems DSC would rather be with just you ' or ' I obviously annoy/have annoyed DSC in some way - and I dont want a bad atmosphere / I want everyone to be happy so I'll just go upstairs {or even out completely - to my mothers / friends /shops etc } - then go.

At first yes DSC does think 'result' etc. but after a few times DH will suddenly think - 'hang on a minute - DW has gone out again because of my DC's behaviour - this isnt fair ' - and if all goes to plan DH starts to reprimand DC and defend DSMs for a change !!

[caramelwaffle]

Good post Suda.

[foolio]

Hello ALL

great thread. Could have written it all myself.

Suda - I am implementing the Joan of Arc technique right now. Decided to do it after coming home last week, said hello to DP's DD and she COMPLETELY BLANKED ME.

He had words with her (he had no choice, he witnessed the whole thing and not even he could defend her this time) but she's still doing it, just a bit more subtly now.

If any of you have read any of my other posts, you'll know I'm a huge fan of the "detach, detach, detach" approach to this.

I've spent time with her, I've done her hair, dressed her up, baked cakes, played games, and I still get treated the same.

The only thing I would add to the Joan of Arc is that I will never say why I'm heading out the door - I think my DP would go nuts if I gave the real reason. I'll just make sure I've got friends to meet/family to see/errands to run on a Saturday.

Oh and I'll keep checking in here for moral support and the knowledge that I'm not the only one who sees weekends at just a couple of days to get through.