What do you do when ex lies/makes things up?

[safetynet]

I'm feeling pretty low today - namechanged as I don't want to be recognised .

I have just had enough of DH's ex.

She is so unreasonable it's unreal - they'd have a field day with her on AIBU .

DSD lives with her but visits us every second weekend. She gave us some dates a while back when she wanted to make sure she had DSD, so we put on calendar. One of them was this weekend, so DH has arranged to go up to his best friends for the weekend as they haven't seen each other for a while. He lives about an hour and a half away so not like he can just pop over any time.

Anyway, he gets a text from ex yesterday to say - see you tomorrow night at 7. He explained that he had plans and that he had been told he wasn't having her - she went ballistic and just bombarded him with texts saying that they were supposed to be sharing that weekend (DSDs birthday is the following week), accusing him of not caring about her, that all he cares about is me and our ds, he should cancel plans, he just wants to please me etc etc - you get the picture.

She claims that she sent another text at a later date to say they were sharing that weekend, and that she has a copy of it, but DH never received one. He keeps all messages, and there is not one.

I suppose you could argue that she may have sent it and it didn't get delivered to DH's phone (though I am 99% sure this is not the case), but even so, he obviously didn't respond to the phantom text, so why would anyone assume this was ok, if you had previously suggested different?

Also, what is really upsetting DH, is that he would have loved to see his DD this weekend to celebrate her birthday, but as he was "told" otherwise he decided to make plans.

He is planning on cancelling with his mate now anyway that the opportunity has come up - but you can bet your bottom dollar that she will say he can't have her now. It is just so frustrating for him.

She has told him not to bother about her birthday as she remembers that he went away twice on her birthday in the past. Again, this is a lie. He has never been away on her birthday - always made himself available, but it is her who has often stopped him from having her.

Another thing that has pissed DH off is that she gave him a list of potential gifts that he could get his DD for her birthday, so he got her one of them last week (as he thought he wouldn't see her on birthday), and when she took it home, her mother texted him to say that it was a waste of money - what was he doing buying her that. OMG she suggested it!

She is coming out with such a load of bull and saying that if we "badmouth" her to DSD that she will call social services ? (We wouldn't badmouth her anyway, and never have).

How on earth do you deal with someone like this?

DH has always tried to keep things as civil as possible, and has often texted or called to ask if he can speak to his DD, but most of the time she says they are too busy, or she "forgot".

Due to all of this he has been ignoring most of the texts, but now she is accusing him of not showing an interest in his DD!

Anyone else encountered this? It is so difficult to deal with.

[WkdSM]

safetynet (wish I had one!)
Gone through this so many times. Unfortunately, in our experience, exW will probably not change. Deleting messages off ansaphone and telling SS's that DH never called (they used to hear her listen to messages) changing weekend / holiday arrangements at the last moment, the whole presents thing. I used to feel that our whole life was controlled by what she chose to do or say.

All you can do is take a deep breath and remember that DSD is also suffering here.

Also - if exW tells herself something often enough she may start to believe it is true.

Give your DP and huge hug and work with him to make sure that her vitriol does not effcet what is really important - your relationship with each other and with your children - step and birth.

[safetynet]

Oh I know WkdSM - I really really worry about DSD .

Her mum is always saying "I've told her this", "I've told her that", and it upsets DH because most of it is either made up or over-exaggerated, and his DD will believe her mother .

TBH I am just feeling a bit sad at the way my life seems to have turned out.

I knew DH had a DD when I met him, but I never imagined the amount of shit I would have to put up with. It is pretty much constant. It's a horrible thing to admit, but the thought of leaving DH has crossed my mind a few times, just so I could get away from all this nonsense.

I love my DH to the moon and back, but I'm just not sure if I can carry on with the stress of it all - I already have high blood pressure. Add to that the fact that it's starting to affect our DS, which is really upsetting.

I just wish there was an easy answer.

[WkdSM]

No easy answer I'm afraid. Tell yourself she wins if you 2 split up?

We've had it for 13 years now (ss 19 and 16). Every time she goes through a reasonable patch DH says - maybe she has changed.
I say we'll see. He calls me a cynic.
She does something unreasonable / nutty.
He agrees that I am always right!

The only way I got through it was to remind myself every time she upset us, she was really loosing as karma will come back and bite her on the backside.

Plesae please try not to let it upset you too much - and find someone in RL you can vent to withour fear of judgement. My mum was absoloutely ace. As was my Dad. When exW phoned me to tell me she was committing suicide because of me and she was making the kids watch, my Dad took the phone and told her she was an adult it was her decision and if she was determined to do it nothing we said or did would make any difference. Goodbye. He then called the police and they turned up mob handed at her house (as kids involved) - marched her off in police car - VERY embarrassed as whole village saw. Turned out kids were asleep and they still have no idea what was going on.

Used to call me at work and call me vile names. I used to laugh and she could never work out why. It was because we ran a pool at work on what she would call me each week. Paid for drinks on Fridays!

Sorry - turning into a hijack pot!

Point being - try and look at things a bit differently (hard at the time I know). My DH is a great one for 'OK it has happened. Lets park the motions and deal with the situation and make the most of it.' All this while I froth at the mouth and fetch the vodka. I have lost count of the number of times he has apologised to me for her behaviour saying it is unfair that I have to deal with it.

fav name for her Psycho Bitch from Hell. Never used in front of the kids - or even when they in house. But gets my point across.

Good luck. You can make it work.

[safetynet]

Thanks .

Well I do try to deal with things in a similar way - DH and I often have a giggle at how ludicrous she is .

I think I am just having a bad day today.

However it is more the changing of arrangements that get to me. We never seem to be able to plan anything in case she changes it at the last minute.

Gosh it sounds like you have had a really rough time - glad to hear that you have such an upbeat attitude.

Is it any easier now that the ss's are of a more adult age? In that I mean that you can communicate with them directly, rather than having to go through her?

[WkdSM]

It does get easier.

SS1 has moved out and has a flat share with a friend so that is easier although she did 'ask' us to buy him a flat so he could move out quicker as she wanted her DD with new husband to have double bedroom and this meant SS1 and SS2 sharing a single bedroom with bunkbeds (can you imagine the smell!!)
I know - v. unreasonable of us not to.
We have had major issues with SS2 but at the mo communication is open.

Don't get me wrong - I have had my fair share of howling in the corner moments but you get through it.

Latest doozie was a letter from CSA timed to arrive on our doorstep on our wedding anniversary - although we pay maintenance under a court order pre 2003 so CSA can't get involved without the court order being overturned. Just wants to cause stress and upset.

I would say she is like a dog with a bone but I love my dog so would never compare him to her - too insulting.

Just keep thinking Karma - we will both be glad when SS2 finishes school and we basically never have to have anything to do with her. We've advised both lads to elope so there will not be any problems at weddings.

Keep your chin up and all that malarkky - it does get better, you will get a life that is not defined by her, and you will have a good relationchip with DSC. That will be your greatest revenge.

[Libby10]

I agree - keep your chin up. We agree all arrangements via email now. Even when ex texts DP just replies he will email to confirm or not. This was because she used to get the kids to tell DP about changes of dates/plans and get narky if she didn't get her way.

It depends how old the kids are but DP also used to ask the kids to get the ex to contact him if they did this - if you keep in low key the message gets through. As they get older they do start thinking for themselves and so be true to yourselves and try not to let the ex get to you.

[ElenorRigby]

WkSM is right, you need to step way back and not ruminate on what the ex does. Her DH has the better approach ie
'OK it has happened. Lets park the motions and deal with the situation and make the most of it.'
Dealing poorly with what my partners ex's shenanigans has left me very very ill for a few months, I am only starting to recover now.
For your sanity you need to detach, let go and live in the present, here and now.
Constantly on ruminating on the antics of a nutter, will make you crazy!
Google mindfulness, Jon Kabatt Zinn and thich nhat hanh.
You need to develop skills to help you cope with whats happening because the ex more or less has carte blanche to act with impunity and she will not change, therefore it is you who has to change.
Erm Good Luck with that!
You have my sympathies :)

[ladydeedy]

I would also add, from my own experience, don't go along with changed plans if you have something else organised. We used to get that a lot from DH's exw all the time. On "her" weekend she'd text and say I'm going out you have to have them tonight. And DH would say oh let's cancel our plans. No! She would do the same with weekends "I am going away next weekend and as you are their father you must look after them and collect them from school at 3pm. If you do not then I shall tell the school and social services etc". So DH would worry and say, oh maybe we should cancel our weekend plans, but we agreed to send her by email and letter a note to say it was not our regular weekend and that she had to make other arrangements herself. Eventually she got the message (although once did a classic by waiting till kids were with us one weekend, and then just before we were due to retuen them on the sunday evening, texted us to say she was at an airport (wouldn't say where she was flying off to) and was not coming back for 3 weeks!!!).
Good luck with it all...

[ladydeedy]

I would also add, from my own experience, don't go along with changed plans if you have something else organised. We used to get that a lot from DH's exw all the time. On "her" weekend she'd text and say I'm going out you have to have them tonight. And DH would say oh let's cancel our plans. No! She would do the same with weekends "I am going away next weekend and as you are their father you must look after them and collect them from school at 3pm. If you do not then I shall tell the school and social services etc". So DH would worry and say, oh maybe we should cancel our weekend plans, but we agreed to send her by email and letter a note to say it was not our regular weekend and that she had to make other arrangements herself. Eventually she got the message (although once did a classic by waiting till kids were with us one weekend, and then just before we were due to retuen them on the sunday evening, texted us to say she was at an airport (wouldn't say where she was flying off to) and was not coming back for 3 weeks!!!).
Good luck with it all...

[ladydeedy]

God, sorry for some reason my posts keep being duplicated!

[ladydeedy]

God, sorry for some reason my posts keep being duplicated!

[safetynet]

Hi Elenor

Thanks for those ideas - I will definitely google and have a read up on it.

ladydeedy - I agree we shouldn't change plans, we wouldn't normally, but I think DH was really keen to see DSD. He has asked if he can see her tomorrow but he has had no reply so who knows. at your duplicate posts!

[safetynet]

Good God !

Now she is saying that she and DSD know that I have issues with her and my DH getting on! I mean, I was the one who managed to get us all on very good terms for a time! Also, DSD is only 9 - I am finding it quite upsetting that she would be discussing this with a 9 yr old?

I know that she is trying to drive a wedge in between DH and me as she has done this before by emotionally blackmailing him.

Sorry, I know this is irrelevant, but I just find it useful to have somewhere to vent.

[houseproject]

You have my sympathies - a complete nightmare for you.

The awful thing is what this does to the children..we have something similar so know how stressful it is.