Pulling my hair out with step daughter

[EmilyD]

This morning I went to put my make up on (which is kept in bathroom) and my expensive eye liner was missing (this is the fourth thing of mine to go walking). It was there yesterday and my step daughter was staying over last night and now it has gone. I went to ask her if she had borrowed it and she said no (looking at her she is wearing the exact colour instead of her normal black - this didn't register with me at the time) Anyway I got my son and my step daughter in the bathroom and asked them again and said if they did have it could they put it back and no more would be said. However, I said this is the fourth time something has gone missing from my make up bag and it wouldn't be happening again. She also lost her keys and said she had left them at a friends when in fact she had lost them, eventually after 2 weeks she had no choice but to admit they were lost as the lies kept changing. We also caught her helping herself to some money from a moneybox that wasn't hers. What can we do? I ask her if there is anything she ever needs when I go shopping and buy her little make up gifts etc but there seems to be a wider issue at hand. Anyone had any experience of this? What did you do? It's driving me mad, it feels like I have to hide my own stuff in my own room and our home is not mine, it feels like a hotel as i can't leave my things in the bathroom :-(.

[notremotelyintofootie]

how old is your step daughter, how often does she stay and how long have you known her?

I have similar problems with things like my hair brush etc so i just waltz in and retrieve it when i need it but it is frustrating!

[EmilyD]

She is 13, known her since she was 10, lived with her father for 2 years and married a month ago. She lives half the time with us.

[EmilyD]

To date, I have "lost" a hairbrush which I have retrieved lots from her room but now is on permanent missing list, expensive lipstick, spot cover, eye liner, money and various things of mine nosied through like private paperwork in the study etc. It seems like there is no respect for others property and its a free for all.

[edam]

Biological children also nick make up and money and lose keys. The difficulty with step-families is your relationship with dd is more complex than that of a biological parent.

It's a pain in the bum but keeping your make up in a bag in your bedroom is a practical solution. And keeping any money somewhere safe. If you catch her stealing money, she has to repay it.

Sorry but I don't have any good advice about dealing with the psychological stuff underlying this, hope someone comes along who does.

[edam]

Maybe she's feeling worried about her place in the family? Doesn't excuse even if so, but could be a reason.

[EmilyD]

I am aware that biological children do this sort of stuff also and I deal with that as well when it happens. Whereas my son will admit that he has done "certain things" still (he is 7) she just blatently lies for whatever reason (maybe she is fearful of what will happen if she admits).

I challenged them both this morning at the same time, however it was obvious that the step daughter had taken it as she was wearing it. I did ask my son if he had taken it thinking it was a pencil.

I think the boundaries in both sets of parents houses is different, her mother and her share all their make up so it isn't an issue. I don't like sharing make up for hygiene reasons. I will keep all my stuff in my bedroom that is important to me in future seems the only option.

[AllThreeWays]

My own daughter did this to me all the time, it drove me to tears and never, never changed. In the end I put a lock on the bedroom door.

I know this doesn't solve your problem, but I understand your frustration.

[EmilyD]

Thank you AllThreeWays. I don't want to be the wicked step mum as I realise this is probably just a teenage girl thing and I don't want to make it personal, more I want to know ways to deal with this. I'm sure i did it myself as a teenager. If it's keeping everything away from temptation then so be it this seems the only way forward.

I'm sure my son will do equally annoying things when he is a teenager too although probably taking my make up won't be on his list!

[edam]

You never know, Emily...

[Ladydutchalot]

My mum kept all her make up in her room, and eventually put a lock on my door to stop me coming out . I never thought that I had stolen anything, I saw it as "sharing". I also used to nosey through things (paperwork) to check that she was ok and not in any financial difficulty etc (she was always worried about money, but what I would have done to solve it I don't know!), and to know what was going on in her life. None of it was ever malicious, I just wanted to look and dress more like my mum, and know more about her, as I looked up to her so much.

[EmilyD]

We found the eye liner in her school bag over the weekend, i was collecting her washing and it was there on full view. It's the lying that really gets to me rather than the taking.. Her dad took her out to talk with her, he felt it was a self confidence thing. Anyway she said she felt she was alienated from us and it was a way to get attention. This is weird considering we always ask if she wants to do something with us, when we offered to take her to Twilight she laughed out aloud at us and said she would go with her friends. We arranged ice scating for the weekend and then she cancelled it at the last minute. So its not like we don't try. I spend a lot of time asking her about how her day has been at school and what's going on with her at moment.

I'm not sure that this is the full story but suppose its a start. She was told if she ever wanted anything to just ask but she doesn't seem to feel she can, she feels unworthy. I know a few years ago she was biting herself but we didn't find this out until 6 months after from her mum so there is obviously underlying issues. I was just wondering if it was still anger she had after her parents split that was now being directed towards me. It all seems very complex. Anyway two steps forward, hoping don't go 2 steps back again.

I really want to be a good step mum to her, I can't replace her mum and don't want to but there needs to be respect and input both ways.

[Suda]

You say its the lying that bothers you more than the taking - well I know exactly what you mean - my Dad used to say always 'trust a thief over a liar' - and having had a 'Billy liar DSS' for years I know exactly what you (and my Dad) meant !

But I once read somewhere - am sure it will be on Google somewhere - about why teenagers lie so much - and apparently there is a scientific reason for it - something to do with their brains being overloaded with certain stuff to the exclusion of everything else so they just dismiss the other stuff theyve got no room for IYSWIM. Obviously the 'other stuff' includes household rules / discipline / respect for other peoples belongings etc etc - so easiest way to dismiss it is to just flatly deny anything which might lead to further debate about this 'unimportant' stuff. Didnt tell my DH about my finding though as would just be trawled out as another excuse for DS !

[EmilyD]

I have been doing some reading up and realise it is a common thing. However, tonight my son's DS was missing and i feel really bad, my first thought was that she had taken it! I had a rant to my husband on phone as he wasn't home and he'd rang me but said I would not ask her if she had seen it until I'd checked everywhere. It turned out it was in my bag from going to a meeting with my son the other night but now I feel rubbish that I automatically assumed she'd taken it (fortunately didn't say anything to her). I really want to regain my trust in her rather than always jump to conclusions but I think i've mixed my feelings of lack of trust with my ex husband and my divorce (he lied and was having an affair) and having problems untangling these thoughts and feelings. Don't know how to untangle all this rubbish so that I can try and rebuild my relationship with SD.

[Suda]

Maybe you will never be able to trust her completely - whether its down to teenage angst or whatever - but you can still have a reasonable relationship with her - I know its not ideal but sometimes we've got to accept we are not in an ideal world. Sounds like you beat yourself up and feel the responsibility lies with you completely to fix this. Well it doesnt - you have a dishonest (even if its for a goood reason) DSD and her father in the equation also. I used to always try and put it right even though it was my DSS being a little s**t and DH encouraging him - or not doing enough to discourage him more like. So one day I decided - right Im not doing anything wrong here - Im the only one trying in fact so I am gonna stop beating myself up and always being the nice guy.

Maybe instead of being nice about it - and understanding (asking her if she needs anything then she just has to say etc) maybe you should try putting penalties in place (and sticking to them). Otherwise she might see it as 'win win' - she gets to help herself to your expensive make up and then gets rewarded indirectly by treats etc. because you think it stems from unhappiness of some form. It could well do but as she has already admitted is also a form of attention seeking.

I now am very frosty/cold shoulder with my DSS (never nasty and always civil) when he has done something very selfish or unacceptable etc. I just let him know I am not happy with him. Seems to work much better than when I used to go into 'try even harder' mode !

[EmilyD]

Thanks Suda, perhaps you are right. I am always trying to "fix" things even when it isn't necesarily my faultand for whatever reason i feel guilty. I do need to be less soft. THanks :-)