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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

Oh please help, I have no idea how to deal with her

25 replies

bratnav · 25/08/2010 18:33

Blimey, where to start. Many of you might have seen me around a bit but I've really hit a brick wall thus time.

DSD has been seeing a counsellor once a week at her Mums insistence, after 3 sessions we have been told she is very well adjusted and happy, the dr has no concerns. During yesterdays session DSD mentioned (again) that her Mums DP who looks after her in the holidays whilst she works FT has been staying in bed until lunchtime and is really grumpy with her and it up sets her. Knowing her Mum as we do, I checked out Twitter and she has posted that her DP has been returning home at 6am from the casino :(

Naturally DH and I are incredibly concerned about this so DH sent a v polite text asking her to call him to discuss it. DH got an incredibly angry and abusive email from her telling him to mind his own bsiness, suggesting that we do loads worse (WTF?) and ended it with "fuck off".

What do we do? This is the DP that DH has never been allowed to meet,'despite the fact that they have been together 3 years and he over with DSD fr half her LCD :(

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bratnav · 25/08/2010 18:34

Should be 'despite the fact that he lives with DSD for half her life'

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bratnav · 25/08/2010 19:01

Anyone?

In case anyone was concerned I have issues with DSDs Mum working FT, it was just to give an idea as to how much time DSD spends with him.

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AlmostSM · 25/08/2010 19:19

How old is DSD?

Does BM have custody and you have access or is it joint custody?

bratnav · 25/08/2010 19:25

DSD is 6, we have joint residency, a week with her Mum then one with us.

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bratnav · 25/08/2010 19:30

DSD is 6, we have joint residency, a week with her Mum then one with us.

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bratnav · 25/08/2010 20:43

Anyone?

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AlmostSM · 25/08/2010 21:09

Well if you are genuinely concerned and Mum will not discuss it with you as I see it you have no choice other than contacting social services?

Im at a loss as to what else to suggest, you are obviously and understandably very worried and if she will not have a conversation about it what else can you do?

upsydaisy85 · 25/08/2010 21:11

Hi there, im not sure how to help on this one, what is the outcome you want?

Tootingbec · 25/08/2010 21:13

Ummmmm, not sure what advice to offer and don't wish to cause alarm but I would not be happy as a parent that my 6 year old was being left alone on a regular basis with an adult that I was told I couldn't meet!

I would suggest your DH has a proper conversation with his ex and sorts out getting to meet the DP - hardly an unreasonable request, surely?

bratnav · 25/08/2010 21:14

Thanks almost. I know it's an option but the fallout for dsd could be dreadful, also it would kill off any vague chance of a working relationship between us. How bad do you objectively think the situation sounds?

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upsydaisy85 · 25/08/2010 21:16

I get the feeling that she knows shes in the wrong for the simple fact you got an abusive reply to a polite question. Has she met you?? It should be a two way thing, if she insisted on meeting you then you should get to meet him.

I agree with AlmostSM if you are truely conserned then speak to social services as she is at an age where they will talk to her.

bratnav · 25/08/2010 21:17

All we want is for dsd to be happy and properly cared for. Also DH meeting the man who lives in the same house as his dd would be nice. Oh and for a decent working relationship for dsds sake.

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NonnoMum · 25/08/2010 21:20

Very tricky. Feel sad that a 6 year old is "alone" until midday. I think you need to act on it.
And the fact that he sends an abusive text to answer a respectable question makes me worry even more.
Good luck with everything...

upsydaisy85 · 25/08/2010 21:22

If your DSD(4yo) is 6 and he is her carer during the day he should not be in bed till that time. When my DSD wakes up (at 6am most times) I usually get up with her as I would feel soooo bad if she hurt herself. Who does her breakfast? If hes in bed till lunchtime who gets her dinner etc...I think you have grounds to contact social services. If she has talked to her counciller about it maybe speak to them about contacting social services, it is always better if it comes from somebody professional outside the 'family'

bratnav · 25/08/2010 21:23

See this is the thing, DSDs mum insisted on meeting me and asked DH for loads of details before i met her, rightly so IMO. But she keeps on saying that DH wanting to meet her DP is 'controlling' that her DP is 'none of his business' and he should 'butt out'. I have no idea what goes on in her head or who she thinks DH has become, but anything whatsoever will get a reply of DH being controlling and manipulative :(

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AlmostSM · 25/08/2010 21:23

Maybe the threat of a call to social services put in writing will be enough to make her listen?

Lay out what you want professionally and clearly. Expressing your concerns remembering social services may read it in the future. Give her 24hours to respond to you and make arrangements for a meeting

If that fails then you at least know you tried every other option first.

AlmostSM · 25/08/2010 21:29

I also like upsydaisy85 idea of asking another party to contact SS but that may be a slow process

Depends how fast you want to resolve this and judging by your posts you want this dealing with very quickly

bratnav · 25/08/2010 22:03

DH and I have been talking about the threat of SS, it just might work. I know before I say this that it doesn't mean he isn't capable of caring for DSD, but we are aware that he has had quite serious MH issues in the recent past. I am guessing that neither of them would want that trawled through.

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NonnoMum · 25/08/2010 22:17

Ok, ok.. Calm down. Don't think that SS are a THREAT, but that they might be a HELP.
If your DP has joint residency for his DD, (as it seems with a week at each place) then maybe he has access to your daughter's GP and HV.
Try approaching them first.

bratnav · 25/08/2010 23:39

Ooh better, thanks nonno, GP is a great idea.

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NonnoMum · 26/08/2010 06:55

Good luck. And, unless you are thinking DSD is under immediate threat, go carefully.

AlmostSM · 26/08/2010 10:38

NonnoMum I didnt say SS were a threat I suggested that the threat of SS to BioMum may be enough to force her to communicate

I agree that they are there to help

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bratnav · 26/08/2010 22:28

Great. She won't answer her phone to DH and his emails are bouncing back. Any ideas?

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NonnoMum · 26/08/2010 23:57

Almost didn't mean anyone in particular, but was just trying to warn the OP about diving in deep in this situation, as whatever goodwill exists between her DP and his Ex might be undone. THought a HV might have their own methods of chasing up these types of situations, and would also know whether or not to refer it to SS.

The other thing is to chase things up with the school if she is 6 and it is term time... A week or so to go if in England...

bratnav · 27/08/2010 01:24

Nonno, I totally got what you meant and you are absolutely right. Sadly I don't think there is any goodwill left, certainly not from dsds Mum anyway. I genuinely don't understand her position at all. Surely if your child mentions anything that is upsetting them you discuss it with their other parent? I do with my exh.

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