Should access become more flexible once step son is 16?

[Petal02]

A lot of the 'issues' in our house are caused by the rigid access arrangements that my husbands ex insists on. The amount of access isn't a problem (alternate weekends, plus one night in the week) but we can't request a 'variation' unless we're literally out the country. Of course, the ex can change things any time she likes, but that's 'different'. (Don't get me started on that one!)

So even though step-son is 16 next month, our lives are dictated by the access pattern, if we want to arrange a weekend away, it's got to fit in with the schedule. Many of our friends who live with their bio children have more freedom than we do, simply because they don't have to fit their lives round a rota.

This all came to the boil a few days ago, when we were invited to a wedding of a close friend, at the other end of the country. We both want to attend, but it falls on an 'access' weekend, and my husband reluctant to rock the boat and 'mess up the schedule.' My argument, is that surely we shouldn't have to put 50% of our lives on hold on account of a 16 yr old???

The child himself isn't causing any problems, but does any one else think it's odd that we still have to stick to rigid arrangments when he's 16? If he was 8, then it might not be so good to disrupt his routine, but all this seems a bit insane to me.

[glasscompletelybroken]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to change the routine once in a while. He's old enough to understand and it's not like you're doing it all the time to avoid having him. We have a similar situation but with younger kids - DH's ex changes the routine all the time but we can't or she says we're traumatising them!

[Snorbs]

Once a child reaches 16 then he or she should be the one driving the contact schedule and not the parents. And, no, there's nothing unreasonable about wanting a bit of flexibility in a contact schedule for a young adult of that age. After all, your DH's son may well have things he wants to do on contact weekends so may well appreciate the chance to change things around to suit him.

What is your husband afraid might happen if you rock the boat?

[Petal02]

My husband is worried that his son will get moaned at by his mother if arrangements are changed. He is also quite clingy towards his son, because he's not seen his other child (daughter, now age 19) for over 3 years, due to an argument. The daughter chose to end contact, not us.

So whilst I can understand that he doesn't want to upset his remaining child in any way, I don't think sticking like glue to a schedule helps any one. I should also add that stepson is extremely quiet and shy, doesn't mix outside of school with his peers, and therefore hasn't got any reason (ie a social life) to want to change things himself.

In addition to this, my husband really over-indulges his son, making our home Teenage Paradise (quite removed from Real Life) on access weekends.

So the combination of a difficult ex, a husband who tip-toes round his son, and a child who'd rather be with us because it's like DisneyLand - means there are three people who oppose me when I suggest that surely it's time for a bit of flexibility.

[CheeseandGherkins]

Speak to your step son, at 16 he's old enough to decide for himself. Must have been some arguement to stop his daughter from speaking to him at all in 3 years.. I'd stop blaming the ex too tbh.

[Petal02]

Cheese - if I gave stepson the choice about access, he'd be here 24/7. And my husband is so touchy about it, that he'd have a fit if I approached stepson about such an important subject. The argument with the daughter was about staying up late on school nights. It's a long story, but it got out of hand, the ex really fanned the flames, and father/daughter haven't spoken since.

It's difficult knowing how much (if any) blame to atttribute to the ex, I've never met her, but she does seem to be very keen to send her son to his father's at every opportunity.

So as I said earlier, I've got three people who all want stepson here as often as possible, for very different reasons, but I thought that access would become less intense as stepson got older, but nothing seems to be changing. We still seem to have to treat him like a small child, just in case anyone gets upset.

[Bonsoir]

OP - why aren't you taking the 16 year old to the wedding with you? What would you do if he lived with you all the time?

This isn't an access issue.

[CheeseandGherkins]

Then ask your dh to speak to his son instead of you, it really isn't for ex to be deciding at his age.

If you haven't even met his mother then all you've heard is from dh? How can you blame her for things if you haven't even spoken to her?

I thought that too Bonsoir, if he was living with you what would happen then? Assume he'd go with you.

[Petal02]

Stepson wasn't invited to the wedding. You can't always invite everyone's children to weddings. If he lived with us all the time, he'd probably stay with a relative while we went to the wedding. But husband won't hear of that under present circumstances - as it's an access weekend, we should be home with the child. Hence my comment that we seem to get less freedom than a lot of bio parents as they don't have to stick to a rota.

I haven't met the ex, but the son often rings up and says that she's suggested he comes to us for 'extra' acccess - and husband will rarely say no. But as I said, we're not allowed to change the arrangements, that's her prerogative.

[Petal02]

I meant to say that I'm certainly not laying all the blame on the ex - it's a combination of her wanting the child out of her hair as often as possible, a child who'd rather be with us cos it's Pink Fluffy La La Land, and a husband who's too scared of upsetting his son to encourage any independence.

[CheeseandGherkins]

Maybe the son only says that his mum suggested it? Maybe he wants to spend more time there himself but didn't want to say it? Just a thought. I'm sure, as he's 16, he can make his own arrangements. Usually court orders for contact stop at 16 unless there are exceptional circumstances, not sure if you have a court order or not though but it gives a basis to go on.

[Petal02]

Cheese - maybe it is the son who wants to spend more time here, maybe I shouldn't blame his mother. But the point of this thread, is that surely access should be less rigid and possibly reduce slightly once a child is 16? I've been with my husband for five years, and we still operate in exactly the same way as we did when the child was 11.

[CheeseandGherkins]

Yes and that's kind of the point I'm making, you should be speaking to his son about it. Now he's 16 it really is up to him and not his mum. I don't see what else there is to do about it?

[Petal02]

Cheese - in that case, I'm rather stuck! The son doesn't want to be independent, and my husband won't encourage him to do so!

[CheeseandGherkins]

Hmm well in that case I guess you are stuck! Unless dh wants to speak to ex but that sounds unlikely? Have a sit down with dh and maybe step son too and discuss things, maybe even with his mother there as well if that wouldn't be too awkward and see if you can all discuss things sensibly.

[prettyfly1]

Petal can you go on your own - I know its nicer to take your family but if it is a big deal then just say "fine - have some father/son bonding time - I am going".

[Petal02]

Well yes, that's an option - but it's a strange thing to have to do, given the child is 16. I'd expected things would be a bit easier by now.

[Petal02]

Mjinhiding, it's so refreshing to 'speak' to people who understand. I've often asked my husband how he used to spend weekends when he was 16, ie did he used to hang round the house clinging to his Dad. Of course the answer is no. He joined the Navy at 16 - and whilst we're not trying to push step-son in that direction, I was trying to illustrate to him that most kids of 16 are more like young adults than young children. But to no avail. As I said in an earlier post - I've been with my husband since stepson was 11, and I really thought the access situation would have eased up by now.

[Bonsoir]

Petal02 - you really have to put your foot down, you know . You have to point out to your DH that his exW, rather than the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, is the person with whom he is determining his agenda. How does he feel about this? How does he think this looks and feels to you? What kind of male role model does he think he is providing for his son by letting his exW rule all your lives?

[Petal02]

Bonsoir - you're right, except that the ex is only one-third of the problem. The stepson prefers to be with us, because it's Teenage Paradise, and my husband wants to see him as much as possible, particularly since he lost contact with his daughter.

I've been putting my foot down for years, but (like lots of ladies who post here) it gets me nowhere!

[catsmother]

It IS absolutely ridiculous ..... the teenage paradise can surely be postponed until the following weekend, so SS and your DH don't 'lose out' .... no one's asking him never to see his child again. If the ex doesn't like it, tough .... this is one of those rare occasions where she'd have to lump it, short of dumping the boy on your doorstep before you left. Obviously though this depends on getting DH on side and if he wants to be pathetic about it, I'd go on my own, though I appreciate it's not ideal.

[Petal02]

Well there have been some developments overnight .... husband has agreed that on the weekend in question, we can still go to to the wedding, and that the child will go to husband's sister for the weekend. Which seems fairly sensible (sort of), but I still don't see the point in collecting the child from his mother on Friday night, only to hand him over to someone else for the weekend. Would it not be easier if he stayed with his mother? This is the sort of insanity I wish I could change. But husband sees it as his responsibilty to stick to the schedule like glue, no matter what else is happening. If we were talking about a small child I could understand it, but he's 16 for gods sake!!!

I don't really think there are any answers to this, other to take comfort that he should be off to uni in 2 years time.

[Bonsoir]

Petal02 - FWIW, I think your DH's solution is absolutely the right solution. It is only fair and proper for access arrangements to be honoured by all parties; your DH is entirely right not to expect his exW to keep her son for the weekend just because it would suit him (or you).

[Petal02]

Bonsoir ? so you?re suggesting that we stick to this rigid schedule, week in, week out, with no flex, even though the child is 16? So in your opinion, at what point does my husband cease to have a responsibility for alternate weekend visits? Obviously I want him to have a normal relationship with his son, but I don?t know any other families who have such a stringent schedule for a child of that age. In fact I understand that, legally, a contact order would expire once a child gets to 16. OK, so we don?t have a legal agreement about access, but even so, do you really expect a young adult of 16 needs to live his life by a rota?

Can I ask ? are you a step parent?