Never again??

[Libby10]

Advice wanted please. Just back from holiday with DP and the step kids who are all in their teens. I can honestly say that I never want to go away with them again. We have an uphill battle at home to get them to help out but they either didn't or half helped out or moaned. They complained if we wanted to eat out somewhere they didn't like and weren't interested in doing anything very much. Their mother never takes them away and so they only go away with us and I know it means a lot to my DP but I'm just fed up with how spoilt and lazy they are and this year I really begrudged both the money we spent on them and the fact that I feel I wasted a week on my annual holiday not having the greatest of time and can't help thinking we would have had a much better time without them. Has anyone come up with a way of dealing with this?

[MALIMOO78]

Let him take them on his own. He needs to do this for them. You don't. Then plan a break together

[Libby10]

Thanks we do have breaks on our own but usually take the kids away a couple of times each year. It's the first time I felt so strongly about it - in the past it hasn't seemed so bad but this year it really got to me. I want to support my DP as it would be even harder for him on his own and he would be very hurt if I said I didn't want to go.

[drinkyourmilk]

Teenage kids are pretty feckless! Especially if they are not used to helping out/ considering others wishes.

[nomedoit]

But I think you will be even more fed-up next year because I can pretty much guarantee that the teens will get worse before they get better... What would you say is best for you and for your overall relationship with your partner - going or not going? If you do go, I would suggest it is with v. realistic expectations.

[starzzz]

we had the same problem for a few years - the solution, stop taking them. Sounds harsh, but they survive, and our holidays are exactly that...holidays!

[madmn52]

Seems you are right in thinking its a waste of money and time and effort - it sounds like your SC didnt enjoy it as they moaned their way through it - your DP probably didnt because he will have been aware of the friction between you and his kids probably more than you think - and you certainly didnt enjoy it. Cant you ask the kids what kind of holiday they want next time - if perhaps they would prefer to go on days out from home - to do whatever activity they're into - maybe you could pose the question on a 'well I got the impression you didnt really enjoy your last holiday - and it cost a lot of money and I really dont want that this year - I want us all to enjoy it - so what do you want? If they insist they want to go abroad again then I dont think they'll be in a good position to complain as much when they get there.

[nomedoit]

"If they insist they want to go abroad again then I dont think they'll be in a good position to complain as much when they get there."

Yeah madmn52, but it won't bloody stop them

[madmn52]

nomedoit - But at least if they feel they have had some say or helped choose their holiday - they might - just MIGHT not be sat there thinking - oh here we go again - we've been dragged on this stupid holiday again - we dont want to be here - nobody asked us etc etc and all the other sullen sulky teenager nonsense - thats all I meant - and you're right it might not make a jot of difference - but then again it might - just thought might break the vicious circle.

[Libby10]

They did help choose the holiday. We always ask them where they would like to go and we plan things that they want to do. The problem is not that they don't want to go away with us its that I don't want to go away with them.

[madmn52]

Oh I see - sorry I take it all back then - I'll shut up now !!

(skulks off)

[madmn52]

Yes - Stewie - its amazing how perceptive the little darlings are and reading some threads on here ( and from seeing it first hand ) it seems DSC do get their kicks by pissing off their SM.

Sorry I know I said I'd shut up now !

[edam]

Yup, stepkids do sometimes do things to piss off the step-parent. Plus teenagers can be pretty horrible anyway. (Am speaking as a former step-daughter - I was the 'good' one who was polite to my step-mother, my sister was the 'bad' one who was horrid. Justifiably in her eyes, she was pretty pissed off about our parents splitting up and resented step-mother's existence.)

Next time, tell them you and dp are going away on your own because they obviously didn't appreciate the last holiday. See if their attitude changes then!

[Libby10]

Well I might be missing something but I don't see how taking children on a nice holiday is treating them badly. DH and I put a lot of effort into making the holiday work and I don't sit around complaining or criticising them. However, I do believe that on a family holiday when kids get to the age of 15+ they should all help out a bit by clearing up after breakfast etc without going off into a massive sulk.

[mamatomany]

I think that's just teenagers you know, they are hard to love even when they are your own apparently.

[TheLifeOfRiley]

Have you and your DP sat them down and asked them if they enjoyed the holiday? Could you do this calmly and pleasantly and from an angle of 'it seemed like you didn't enjoy coming on holiday with us and if that's the case do let us know'.

I agree teenagers are a nightmare even if they are your own! How old are the teens? Are they old enough to do some things alone or are they early teens?

[madmn52]

stewie I agree ! Even though you want to throttle them sometimes the charm offensive works better. But I know its easy to get sensitised to their behaviour and get resentful about it - Ive been there.

I know its a very strange analagy but I train dogs and the praise of good behaviour v's the punishment of bad wins every time.

[Suda]

I think what stewie and madmn are referring to is that teens or older for that matter - will pick that up - that you would rather they werent there. I dont think anyones suggesting you are mistreating them on a paractical level. It doesnt bring out the best in anyone to feel unwanted and it doesnt bring out the best in anyone when people around you are behaving like little shits. The cycle needs breaking really or its just head banging time!
Maybe if you get them to improve their home behaviour - the holiday behaviour will improve and there are loads of threads on here about s/c treating house like hotel - not helping out etc etc. I dont think they are going to behave well for one week on holiday if they dont at home really.

[Suda]

practical - even

[Libby10]

Perhaps you are right. The kids have said that they enjoyed the holiday and are looking forward to going away again. They are better at helping out at home than they were on holiday are so we probably need to sit down and work out how to encourage this when we go away. The oldest lives away from home now as he is at uni and did say to DP that he found the other two wound him up when we were away which made me feel a bit better too. Thanks for all your thoughts on this - its been really helpful.

[follyfoot]

Sorry, have come to this late.

Sorry it was a bit grim for you this time. We've had similar issues over the years too. This year we suggested going back to somewhere we know they love. Then said they didnt have to come if they didnt want to, we really wouldnt mind...

Well that seemed to do the trick! They all decided to come and because it was a choice, they came along in a really good frame of mind. Would it be worth offering them some input into the holiday choice? Also because ours know the place, they went off lots without us, which gives everyone a break. We also tried to do things in different groups so maybe one parent and one/two/three of the kids.

Perhaps you could send them to the shops to buy some food, and cook (and clear up) for themselves, ours enjoyed food shopping abroad. You and DH could go out on your own for a night or two...

Best of luck

[redandgreen]

We did two weeks with the dscs this year, the second was exactly as described, with me getting stressed that the kids weren't enjoying it because they didn't do ANYTHING, and dp pretty much compounding the whole thing by doing the same. Ditto with the fights every meal time getting either getting them to do some token helping out or trying to get them to try the delicious local food. RUBBISH.

The first week, however, was great. We went with friends and took a friend of dsd's as well. The friend was GREAT, really kept dsd and dss occupied (he developed a crush on her which was really cute) and we had a great time. I think having a 'third party' there makes everyone more likely to behave better, and if you have a friend there that feelng of being a bit of an outsider just doesn't happen. It does take a bit of planning but well worth it.