For those of you that supply clothes at your home...

[thegingercat]

This question is for step parents who keep a complete wardrobe of clothes at their house

How many pairs of shoes do you keep for step children who visit you every other weekend?

[upsydaisy85]

My DSD comes 3 out of 4 weekends and we have 3 pairs in total, sandles, filled in shoes and 'garden shoes' as she calls them (the plastic ones you can get wet)

[thegingercat]

Thanks.

DSS has a pair of wellies and a pair of trainers here. school shoes go in between the two houses.

DP is keen to take DSS out to get him another pair of trainers as he only has one pair.

My DS only has one pair of trainers and a pair of wellies - and he lives with us full time.

Maybe I'm mean? lol

[foureleven]

I dont know... maybe one new pair every couple of weeks when the others have disappeared back to mothers never to be seen again...

[MrsFC]

When I send DS to his Dad's I have to send all shoes as he won't even spend £7 on a pair of wellies. It's very annoying! I wish he was married to you gingercat!

[thegingercat]

MrsFC,

For what it's worth my ex has never bought DS even a toothbrush to stay at his house. Didn't get maintenance for 7 years either. Needless to say I was not pleased when he came back from Dad's with trashed shoes.

However, DP's ex gets lots of maintenance and half of everything else paid for and we still have to buy everyone half a dozen pair of shoes - DP won't even let his son have my son's "cast offs" for "old" clothes. We even have to buy new clothes for that!

[madmn52]

I think the issue here is that SC have two homes - through no fault of their own - thats down to us adults! - so they do on a practical level need more clothes/shoes etc. Your own children when mum and dad are still together only have one home so dont have a need for two sets of everything. I completely understand the resentment this can cause the step-parent as it seems you are sometimes spending more on your SC than your own. But why should the SC have to be like a bag lady carrying their one set of clothes between two homes - if they have their own stuff in both homes I think they probably feel more like they belong - at both their parents houses - and less 'temporary' - if you know what I mean. Expensive though and can understand why it sometimes feels unfair to us long suffering step- parents

[thegingercat]

Madmn52,

I think you are missing my original point. DS lives with me full time, DSS lives with me 2/3 days a week.

DSS has more shoes in this house than DS does even though he only wears them less than half the time DS does.

I suspect he only has one pair of trainers at his Mum's house, but I don't really know. The point I was making was that DSC have more stuff here than my DS who lives here full time. Not that he has 2 lots of stuff at 2 different homes.

[madmn52]

Sorry having read your posts again - carefully this time !! - I see what you mean - and in that case I dont think you are being mean - and your DSS shouldnt have a lot more of anything really in your home - especially as you say he's only there a few days a week - which you're quite right is very different from him having more collectively at both homes. Otherwise your DS could end up resenting his 'VIP' SB visiting.

[abbierhodes]

If your DH thinks that one pair of trainers is not enough, then both boys should get new trainers. If yu can afford that, great. If not, then they both wait until you can.

I wouldn't want one of my children to have more than the other unless there was a specific need. I'd like to think I'd still treat both children the same if one of them was my stepchild.

[Suda]

Absolutely abbierholes fully agree - but excluding the stepchilds need for more because they have two homes - as madam52 says and as you say specific need.
We had a family bust up over SC's clothes politics once where DH bought his granddaughter a new coat. His DS - her dad (separated from her mother)was furious as he didnt buy her half brother anything (DH's DS is not separated from his mother). But my DH was sick of seeing his DGD in rags - as he put it (particularly a coat from Primarni which was now very obviously too small !) and his DGS in new designer clothes.
In short he simply bought his DGD a coat - a) Because she needed it and he was sick of seeing poor child in outgrown coat and b) He could afford to do so.
My DH is a very fair man and treats all his GC exactly same at Xmas, Birthdays etc and mine for that matter - his SGC. In fact we always count the pressies and count how much we spent on each to make sure its fair.
But his DS on picking up his DD(age 5) from exes said very angrily in front of her mother ' Oh Grandads bought you a new coat has he ? - he's not bought your brother one - that not fair - wait till I see him '
Now this is the bit that really angered my DH ( him and DS didnt speak for months ) - his DGD was so upset (crying her eyes out) and when she got home to her dads she announced she was giving her new coat (which she loved) to her little brother 'cos it wasnt fair and so daddy wouldnt be cross at grandad' (who she adores).
It turned out that DS and his new partner were deliberately buying the little girl as little - and when they did - as cheaply as possible - as she spends slightly more time at her mums so felt she should fork out.
I absolutely agree with madam52 that a stepchild shouldnt have inferior or less clothes at either parents house as its not the childs fault they have 2 homes.

[pinkbraces]

I think its very sad that divorced parents cant find better ways of dealing with this.

My DSC have clothes at our house and at their mum's which is where they spend 60% of their time.

I think they would be heartbroken if they had to keep one wardrobe at each house without being able to move things between their homes. We have clothes and shoes at our house, and they have the same at their mums. They take clothes with them, leave them behind, whatever they want to do. When we go on holiday their mum sends over all their holiday clothes and we do the same for her. I cant imagine what my teenage DSD would say if we said she couldnt take her latest top shop purchase back to her mums and visa versa, she would be heartbroken.

My DH and his ex do not have the greates relationship at all but they do their utmost to ensure its very smooth and easy for the kids. We just endure the snide comments quietly!

Surely divorce and two homes should be much much easier for all kids involved.

[Suda]

Absolutely agree Pinkbraces. If any proof were needed its to see a sweet six year old go from dancing happily round a shop in her new coat to: sobbing / trying to give coat to her little brother / feeling she's in trouble with her dad and worse still she's got her grandad in trouble ! As my DH said at the time 'they (all the adults involved) want their heads banging together'.
I think when they're older though they are obviously more decision making in what they wear whereas young kids have less control over what they wear. I think it would be an uphill battle that even the most petty of natural and/or step-parents of older kids would tend to relent on.
Just had a funny vision of trying to pull a Poundstretcher t-shirt onto a stroppy teenager because they were going to their Dads/Mums house - 'and you're not wearing your favourite jeans cos we bought you those '. Yeah right !

[elastamum]

I never understand why this should be an issue. I buy all my kids clothes and send them every other weekend to their fathers with a bag neatly packed with everything they need. Same for holidays.

All I ask is that it all comes back, I dont even care if it is dirty. My ex has got a lot better at this although we did have a couple of run ins in the early days when he took all their clothes and didnt return anything, so I had to rush out and buy more.

I would rather pack for my kids and know they always have everything they need and it all fits them